Following my own advice....

Yes, it has been a couple of months since my last blog here. Life has been busy, with its ups and downs but overall it’s been not too bad.  

Last week, on Thursday Jan 28^th, it was Bell Canada “Let’s Talk” day.  http://letstalk.bell.ca/en/  there were messages and tweets flying through the air and lots of great dialogue and support around mental health and how we need to get rid of the stigma that surrounds mental health. Needless to say, I was tweeting away like crazy, hoping to help and support others and get some discussions going.

So, now it’s time for me to give myself some attention and much needed self-care.

I didn't plan on this, but after all these years I have learned to go with the flow.

 I know what is coming and what I need to do. It does not mean I have to like it, but it’s a much needed process.

In some aspects, winter is hard for me. I do love playing ringette with my amazing and supportive team, going for walks, having coffee with friends, and Christmas. But is also a time of year where I get flooded with flashbacks of past trauma, and it still amazes me how much energy it takes to deal with this stuff.

The last couple of weeks, things have really been ramping up, and I could feel some stuff coming to the surface. I have written about this process in some of my past blogs, it’s a rough ride, but it is also a much needed process for me.  

This time last year I was in the St Joseph “Spa and Treatment center”- what I call the psychiatric unit at the local hospital. As I wrote it was a tough time, but also a time of deep work, that has allowed me to become a happier, healthier, more whole person.

I guess I was a little naive when I thought my work was done!

 But a couple of weeks ago, the old familiar pattern started. The brain fog, irritability, body memories, nightmares, flashbacks etc.I was pissed off to say the least. I thought, “Shit, here we go again. I thought this crap was done with.”

I was getting angry and for a brief moment started to get into the “If I keep busy I will be fine mode” I’m glad to say that only lasted about 20 minutes. That in itself is progress.

These emotions are going to come up, weather I want to or not, and as I wrote in my journal this morning..”yes grasshopper, we have been through this before and we know we do ourselves more harm if we fight it. “

What I mean by this, is that if I fight my emotions, ignore the memories that are coming up, the only thing I'm  doing is harming myself. I can stay as busy as I want, run from them as fast as I can, but in the end, they will catch up to me, and I will still need to process them, feel them, acknowledge them to lay them to rest and allow me to move on.

I do realize this is easier than done.

When I first started working on my stuff, I was so numb, I wouldn't know an emotion if it bit me on the nose. I had spent years protecting myself by not feeling anything. The very thought of feeling any emotion scared the crap out of me. I remember the countless sessions with my psychiatrist, the hours and hours we worked together, to help me feel an emotion.

Little by little I allowed myself to feel. It was hard work, it was gut wrenching work, but it was much needed work I needed to do if I was to move forward.

And, all those years later, here I am once again. But it’s different now.

I no longer need to numb myself from the emotions and memories. This has made my life so much easier.

Think of it as a dam. It does its job holding back the water and letting it out at a certain rate. Now add a huge rain and wind storm that goes for days and days. Because of the increased water levels and pressure, the dam needs to open up more to allow the extra water through. If this is not done, the dam will overflow, and it may break, either way, no one has any control of the water.

By no longer numbing out, I am able to notice the emotions sooner. I am able to feel when something is amiss and all is not well in the Land of Suzy. With this knowledge, I can put steps in so that the pressure does not become too great, and the dam does not overflow.

When these moments arise, I work at being very mindful and intentionally staying with my emotions. I let them come, and I let them go- which they will, be it anger, fear, sadness etc. Think of yourself on a surfboard and your emotions the waves.  They – (emotions) - waves come at you, then they crest, then they leave, you are still floating on the top. Some waves may be bigger than others, you may fall off the board, but you will always rise to the top.

A couple of weeks ago when I noticed I was a little off kilter and disconnected I had a choice. I could use a ton of energy and run from this, and in the end I know it will catch up to me and I will still have to acknowledge and process this. Or, I could choose to be loving and kind to myself, stop what I was doing, and make space for the work that needs to be done. I have chosen the latter.

I did not go to my last ringette practice, I have not done a lot of other activities. I have pretty much cleared my calendar, pulled in my supports, and giving myself permission to rest. I figured I had better take my own advice and give myself a ton of self-care.

How long will this last? I don’t know. But what I do know is that I will lovingly  hold and support whatever emotions come up. I will not rush them or belittle them. I will honor them, make space for them and hold them close to my heart. These emotions and flashbacks are my story, I need to honor them, whatever they may be.

I don't know how long this process will last. I will light candles and do smudges for the duration, and feel what I need to feel. I know I am safe, I am loved and I am supported.

I do know one thing, it’s always an interesting journey.

Those are my thoughts for today

I wish you all well on your journeys 

Cheers and be well

Suzy

Growth and Change.....

Well, I knew it was some time since my last blog post, but I did not realize it has almost been two months. It has been an interesting time, it has been a challenging time, it has once again been a time of growth. And, as I have learned, growth does not come easily.

In my last blog post I spoke about going to the congress in Kelowna. I was sent by F.O.R.C.E. http://www.forcesociety.com/  and it, like the organization was amazing! Do look at their website for some amazing mental health resources.

It was unreal to be sitting in a room with 300 other people who felt like I do, that we need to start talking about mental illness, to bring it out of the shadows and into the spot light. As I had not been to a congress/conference in 18 years it was  a great workout for my brain, and there was a couple of times that I wondered what I was doing there, -( which means self-doubt)- but they went away quickly. I met some amazing people, learned lots, and am inspired to carry on what I am doing.

The rest of October was busy, and things seemed to take more energy. Nothing spectacular happened, just life, family issues, commitments etc. As I said before, I am learning to deal with the day to day things. Sometimes its fine, sometimes it’s really hard, and sometimes I feel like I am walking through mud. Sometimes I can feel all the above on the same day!!!

As I look at my calendar, I see I had also seen the dentist. The last time I had been to the dentist was 20 years ago. So, as you can imagine, going to the dentist it a huge issue for me, and not a good issue.  But I was very proactive, and things worked out, and after one glitch, it all went well.

Then my shoulder started acting up. I have Bicep tendentious, and rotator cuff issues. I have had issues with this before, in both shoulders, but this time round it was unbearable, I could not believe how much pain I was in. I did go to see my Dr. and he ordered an x-ray and an ultra sound. Two days later I was back in his office to get something for the pain as it was so bad I could hardly breathe, and nothing I was taking or doing was helping. So, with some prescription pain killers, rest and Physiotherapy, it has settled down some. I still have to be careful and not overdo it. I can play Ringette now, but I still cannot paddle in the dragon boat. The dragon boat team is now done for the season, and we start up again in the spring, so we will see how the shoulders are doing then.

The month of November rolls around, and I am glad to say this month has not been as busy. Being my birthday month, I have been spoiled by family and friends. It’s been great, I am now 55, and some days I am amazed I have made it this far. I am grateful to the people, past and present who have helped me get where I am. I even entered two writing contests. Now I don’t imagine I will win, but it’s not about the winning, it’s about taking my writing more seriously, and taking back a piece of myself. I was surprised at how much fun I had writing the stories.

My son and I went down to Victoria for a few days to see the Viking exhibit at the museum, and spend a couple of days together. It was fun, and when I got back I got sent to bed with a flu bug. I was disappointed I had to cancel some plans, It took its time, but I am better now.  I have attended two workshops that were presented by The F.O.R.C.E.  http://www.forcesociety.com/  and look forward to working with them in the future.  I have had lunch with friends, and enjoyed some quiet down time.

Yesterday I was out with my best friend and mentioned how quickly Christmas seems to be coming up, and how because October was so busy I feel like I lost that month somewhere. Her reply was “Last October you were starting your crash and burn – (I ended up in the hospital in February) - you made it through without crashing and burning this time.” And that was just what I needed to hear!!!

We all go through developmental stages throughout our life. Some are small, some are huge, their difficulty varies, but each one is growth of some kind. Some we notice as it happens, sometimes, it is not until well after the fact that we realize it.

For those of us with D.I.D. or other mental health challenges, it can be even harder and take more time and energy. But, it is just as important and it is always a positive move forward, even if we do not feel like it at the time.

I was talking to my Dr’s medical student last week. I told her that I had stopped dissociating and became “integrated” last spring, and of the challenges of trying to live in the here and now without dissociating. It’s positive, but at times its hard work. I told her, I feel like a snake that is shedding its skin. I have been shedding this one since last March. It’s hard work, and at times I just feel like giving up, but I know that if I stop before I am finished, the old skin will get smaller and smaller and eventually choke me off. As the old skin is shed, the new skin is tender and I have to do lots of self-care until it has toughened up some. Yes it’s a lot of work, and yes, I have and will continue to pull in my supports while I go through this stage.  But, it is a move forward, and I am looking forward to what is underneath.

Those are my thoughts for today, I wish you all well in your journeys and discovering what you find as you move forward.

Cheers and be well

Suzy

We Hope You Have Enjoyed Your Flight

Well, it’s been a couple of weeks since my last blog. I am back from my “unscheduled flight.” It was an interesting flight, a little bumpy here and there, a bunch of turbulence, but we have made it, and are back.

And, I am glad to be back.  Like always, it will take time for me to get back into the swing of things, but, I am use to that, have been here before and know that self-care and self-compassion are just as important now, as when I was waiting for the flight out of “The Land of Discombobulating.”

It was a bit of a rough landing. Putting it mildly, learning to live in my new skin without dissociating is a challenge.  It’s a skill, that will take time, and I know I will have up’s and downs along this journey.

In the past if I got irritated, the room was too loud, or I was angry etc., all I would have to do is look to the left and I would be gone. I would zone out, dissociate and another persona would come forward and deal with that situation.  While this was a great coping mechanism to help deal with overwhelming circumstances, it was interfering with my quality of life. In time I learned to notice the switching, and now I am at a point where I am no longer dissociating. This is a new chapter in my life, and with each new chapter, comes a huge learning curve and new challenges.

I am now learning to deal with irritability, grumpiness, anxiety, noise etc. As I told my family Dr. “I assume when you were 4 years old and having emotions you started to learn to deal with them, and the ups and downs and challenges of daily life. Well, you’re 52 years ahead of me on this, as I am just starting to learn to do that now”.

As I have said before, the only analogy I can think of is someone who has been using drugs/alcohol to numb themselves for 50 years. And, now for the 1^st time in their life, they are no longer using these substances and the world is so much louder, harsher etc. It’s not that the world has changed, it’s that I am no longer numbing the world out. For the first time in 52 years there are no barriers between me and the rest of the world. And while I find it challenging I find it fascinating. 

A few weeks ago, we had one of the very few days of rain here. I went for my morning walk in the rain and I loved it. It was not cold out, and I could feel the rain hitting my skin. I have felt this before, but not to this extent. I could feel the rain on my skin like never before, because I was fully present, without numbing and there were no barriers between me and the world. It was amazing. I could feel when the rain hit my skin, feel it run down my skin and change temperature as it did so. This was being truly and fully in the present. It was lovely. I now notice that each bird has a different song, that there are many shades of grey, in the grey sky, the many shades of green in the garden, etc. It is like a whole new world that I am discovering.

I also notice more noise, and those pesky emotions. This is a challenge for me. To feel and stay with the complexities of not just feeling these emotions but feeling more than one at the same time. At times, I very much feel like a toddler trying to deal with the complexities of the world, and yes, at times I feel like having my very own, personal temper tantrum!

So, as you can see, living without dissociating is a challenge, but it has its many rewards. This journey, like life, has its up’s and downs, good and not so good. And, I need to remember that yes, believe it or not, I am human, and I have made, and will make mistakes. But, it can be a good life.

When I returned from my “unscheduled flight” from “The Land of Discombobulating” there was a surprise waiting for me. An e-mail from an organization called F.O.R.C.E. http://www.forcesociety.com/  looking for parents who might be interested in attending the “Child and Youth Mental Health and Substance Use Congress.” I didn’t know if I was the type of person they were looking for, but thought, “all they can do is say no thanks.” So I applied and am thrilled that I will be attending.  The congress is in Kelowna, which means another unscheduled flight, but I am thrilled about this one. I leave here on Sunday morning and get back Wednesday night. I am looking forward to connecting with others who believe we need to talk and educate about mental illness, to learn more and be inspired.

And, as always, I am amazed at what the universe has placed at my door step.

As I sit here writing at my favorite coffee shop, The Rocky Mountain Cafe, I think back on this journey of mine, the hard work, dark times, journeys to the depths of my soul and all the loving and supportive people in my life. And once again, am amazed at how you never know what is around the corner. I am glad I never gave up, and look forward to this next chapter of my life.

It’s going to be a challenge, it’s going to be interesting, and I have a feeling, it is going to be anything but boring.

Those are my thoughts for today. I wish you all well in your journeys, and encourage you to keep on going, because, like me, you never know what is around the corner.

Cheers and be well

Suzy

Welcome to The Land of Discombobulating…

It has been on the horizon for about a week now, the flight plan was diverted, without my approval, and I have landed right smack dab in the middle of The Land of Discombobulating.

There are no flashy tourist brochures with pictures of happy, smiling people enjoying the sunshine and having a grand time here. There is no website where one can book their all-inclusive vacation in a luxurious suite with an ocean view and 5 star dining!

Nope, The Land of Discombobulating is a very cold, grey, barren, windswept, lonely place, where, much like altitude sickness, ones senses go askew and the simple process of thinking is harder to do.

 As I said, I have felt this coming for about a week, and no matter what adjustments I made, I could not change the flight plan and this came upon me like a mountain top poking out of the fog at 6000 feet.

The good news is that I have landed safely, I have my survival gear with me and I know what to expect.

I hate being here, and get frustrated every time I visit. Life will be running along smoothly and then for no reason that I can gather, I am back here again. I am frustrated, angry, sad, irritated, tired and generally pissed off! However, I have to accept it, take care of myself and wait for this to pass.

The advantage I now have, is that I know what to expect, how best to get through this and how to set up my camp for the duration.

I know that I will need quiet, tons of self-care, and that I will not be able to function at the level I normally do. I know plans may need to be cancelled, and I will need more sleep.

And I need to remind myself this is not a character flaw!

This is one of the biggest issues I have had to work through. Because I do not fit the mold of a “working” person, or because I take time to care for myself, society sees me somewhat of lesser value and dare we say it..even “selfish”

But, I know this is what is best for me. And, what is best for me, is best for my family, friends and society.

In the past, I would fight these moments, keep pushing myself and run around like crazy, and push myself to exhaustion. I would do whatever I could to stay ahead of the emotions, memories, sensations or whatever my brain wanted to work on. I would keep going until I “crash landed” and I would pay dearly for not taking time for myself and it would take so much longer to get back into the swing of things.

I have no idea why my flight plans have been diverted. It may be the time of year, a trigger, the change of seasons or that my brain is just not working well at the moment. This may last a day, a week or more. Time will tell, but I do know what I can do to help it along.

I do know that being loving, kind and gentle with myself will help speed the process. I know I have resources that I can pull in to help me through this time, and that by staying in the moment, being authentic and not trying to “busy myself up” this too shall pass.

Soon, I will once again be laughing, feel joy and be fully and happily participating in life.

Until then, I am going to set up camp, hunker down in The Land of Discombobulating, do what I need to do and look forward to my flight out of here.

I wish you all well in your travels and remember to be kind and gentle with yourselves.

Cheers and be well

Suzy

Youth and Mental Health

Doing it a bit different this time round..this is a letter I have sent to some newspapers on Monday, hoping the editors will print it. Please help spread the word about the need for open and respectful dialogue around mental health.

Mental Health and Youth

As the summer months fly by, we start to notice that the nights are becoming shorter, mornings are cooler and shadows are getting longer. Things start to shift and all too soon the summer that will be, becomes the summer that was. Many of us start to set our eyes on new goals and directions.

For some, this means sending our children off to High school and Post-secondary education. As parents we do our best to prepare our children for this stage of their life.

This can be an exciting time in their lives with dreams and goals.  A time of exploring and belief that all things are possible. It may also be a time of trepidation's. 

And for some, it will be a time of encountering mental health issues for the first time in their life.

When they were younger, we taught them about road safety, strangers, and to wear a helmet while riding their bikes. Never to get in a car with a drunk driver and to always wear a seat belt.

As we buy them supplies, clothes and assorted various other items to put in their care packages, we need to add one more thing along with our love.

We need to send them off with the correct information on mental health.

According to the Mental Health Commission of Canada “1 in 4 youth will experience a mental health issue. The great majority of mental health issues occurs during adolescence and 70 % of young adults living with a mental illness report having symptoms before age 18. Youth 18-24 are most likely to suffer from mood disorders, substance abuse and more likely to commit suicide”

But there is good news. There is help and the earlier the intervention, the better the outcome.

For the last 2 years I have been educating and advocating to various youth groups about mental health. They are bright, intelligent and articulate. They are our future, and some of them are struggling! After each presentation there are always some students that come up and talk to me of their struggles and fears around the mental health of themselves, a friend or family member. For some, this is the first time they have ever spoken about it.

  

Sure it may be scary to talk to our children about mental health issues.  But by creating an open and respectful dialogue we give them another very important tool to help and support them for the rest of their lives. With the right information and understanding we can help them reach their dreams and work towards making all things possible. Like wearing the bicycle helmet, it does not mean they will fall off their bike and bang their head, but it is there to protect them if they do.

Having a mental illness is not a character flaw, and with the correct diagnoses and treatment one can have a very fulfilling life. I am proof of that.  Undiagnosed mental issues cost the individual and society at large. We all pay the price.  Let’s educate this up and coming generation so that they don’t have to pay the price. If we don’t, some will pay with their life.

For more information visit

http://strategy.mentalhealthcommission.ca/the-facts/

http://www.mentalhealthcommission.ca/

http://www.mentalhealthcommission.ca/English/issues/child-and-youth

One Giant Step For Suzy Kind…..

This last week I met a very interesting young women. Her name is Siobhan Brannign. She is a multimedia student from Ryerson University. She is working on her thesis for her Masters in Multimedia, and is interviewing people for her “From a Negative to a Positive “project.

https://www.facebook.com/apositivefromanegative

https://www.facebook.com/SiobhanBranniganPhotography

She is driving across the country meeting and interviewing people she has connected with for her project. I must tell you, it does my heart good to see the younger generation talking about mental illness.

I met with her on Wednesday afternoon, she is a very bright, articulate, brave and beautiful young women. 

She asked me questions about my condition, how I got into public speaking about mental health issues, what I did to help me through it and other questions. When that portion was done we went down to the dock where my teams’ dragon boat is moored and she took some pictures of the boat and myself with my paddle.

For those of you who have been reading my blog, you know I have been working hard around the “camera issue”

As I was standing on the dock next to the 48 foot, red dragon boat, I was calm, somewhat relaxed and leaning on my paddle, staying in the present moment.

It was interesting for me to stay in the present and not dissociate when my picture was taken, I am glad I did all that hard work.

Of course, once she left I thought of a million things I could have said, or showed her more things  that helped me through those rough times…and will in the future.

The next day I received a message for Siobhan- she was staying in Victoria. She asked if she had left her tripod at my house, she did, so we arranged to meet at a half-way point in Nanaimo- at the Chapters book store. Because I just hate book stores wink wink…

My son and I drove down and had time to look around the book store, and believe it or not, I actually looked at photography books, and low and behold bought a photography magazine.

Now this may not be a big deal to folks, but for me it’s a huge issue. It’s a giant step for me…in the past as much as I wanted to learn and discover, I would be pulled away from the photography world…

Later that evening I made a tea and skimmed through the magazine/journal. It is all about macro photography- of course there are terms and things I have no idea what the hell they are talking about, and I was a little overwhelmed with information, so I put it down for a bit.

But I did lean things. I also remember what I read in the magazine, and look forward to learning more.

If I had not faced and worked on my camera issue, I would not have been able to remember the look or to pick up the magazine. To learn and move forward…to discover and look forward to being creative with the camera.

As I am packing to go back up to Sointula for a few more days, I will pack my camera gear and once again take some more pictures and see where my journey goes.

It is amazing where one can go when you deal with your fears and issues. As I continue I will keep you posted on where my journey takes me.

This may be a tiny step for mankind, but a GIANT step for me.

Those are my thoughts for the day

I wish you all safety and wellbeing on your journeys.

Cheers and be well

Suzy

PS- here is some more info on Siobhan from her Facebook page

About

This is an ongoing documentary photo based project by Siobhan Brannigan. It focuses on coping with mental illness and creating an open place for discussion

Mission

To create a safe space to present people's journeys with mental illness through the use of photography and interviews. To create an opportunity for open discussion, to give and receive advice on coping strategies, and to discuss potential solutions to any problems.

Description

This project A Positive From A Negative started off as a thesis for my undergrad in photography. It has now evolved to become my thesis project for my masters degree in Documentary Media at Ryerson University.

In this project I am dealing with the issue mental health. With the subject finally becoming a big topic of discussion in various forms of media it is time to try and bring a new approach on the subject. My ultimate goal is to create a website. One that individuals can go to and view different approaches and journeys people have had. I also want a space that people can discuss their own issues or offer supportive advice. To do this I need to create a large body of work and that is what this next step is to do.

Mental health and illness awareness is a topic that is just beginning to gain a profile in our society. The statistics that show the number of people who struggle and the number of people who do not understand how to approach the situation is staggering. Mental health is often considered pejoratively, as a stigma, yet many do not realize that many people are able to live a successful, and positive life while facing these ‘negative’ struggles. Due to personal experience with mental health issues and having openly discussed this with the people around me, I have realized that mental health is a topic that rarely has any positive aspects attributed to it and in turn people are not always comfortable discussing their situation. This is an unfortunate circumstance, as through interaction and discussion with others many people can learn better coping strategies and approaches in their daily life.

With my series, A Positive from a Negative, I wish to contribute to a vital discussion about mental health. I wish to create a space for people to observe, to listen, and to talk about their experience with mental health, particularly those leading a positive life. I want to create a safe space for people to learn and for people to teach. There is a lot of information available about mental health but many people do not take the time and make the initiative to seek it out. People should take that time because every person who lives without mental illness has, in fact, several interactions daily between themselves and someone with a mental illness even if they are not aware of it. As well, it is important to be aware that every individual has a different experience, whether or not they share similar mental illnesses.

In this project I record an interview with the participants (audio only), followed by photographing a few things. I want to photograph a place of comfort; one that has been an influence on your mindset or just a place where you have dealt with your struggles, or a place that is a safe haven. I also want to photograph the person; just a detail of oneself that does not give away your identity, unless you so choose. Lastly, I want to photograph a detail of an object that directly relates to how you cope/are learning to cope. (You can view the photographs from the interviews I have already conducted on my tumblr apositivefromanegative.tumblr.com under the photography heading or visit my website atwww.siobhanbrannigan.com)

Living In Two Worlds At The Same Time….

On my last trip up to Malcolm Island, I was once again pushing myself to use my camera.  There were a few challenging moments like when I went to change the lens. My hand was trembling, my mind went blank, and I could not remember how to do it. But my friend was with me, and was patient and supportive of me, as she has always been, these past 19 years. I took a deep breath and she took me through the steps of how to do it. Soon after I was changing lenses with no problem.

I spent parts of the next few days taking pictures of, old boats, old houses, old boat houses etc. As  I took  a picture of an old decrepit boat, I would notice the newer ones behind it. As I was taking these pictures I was thinking if these items could only talk, what stories would be told.

I came across 4 small boats. A 12 foot aluminum one, 2 wooden canoes, one red, one green and a small blue wood row boat, all together, turned upside down, leaning on each other just above the tide line. The colours had faded, the gunnels had rotted off the canoes, and they were buckled in the middle. Grass had grown up through and around them all. How long had they been here? When the people put them like that, did they know it would be for the last time? Did they have any idea they would sit here for so long?  Why had they not been used in such a long time?

 If these old boats and buildings could talk. The storms they had seen, both by Mother Nature and economics, and what lives had been lost because of these?  What dreams were started and ended, and what secrets were whispered within their presence.

As I was taking pictures of these, and noticing the newer boats and buildings I felt like I was seeing two worlds at the same time, then in time I realized, I was living in two worlds at the same time. 

This is progress. It may not sound like it, but it really is.

An example is what happened to me with my camera. Sure, I was triggered and trembling, and I forgot how to change the lens when my mind went blank. But, and this is very important, I did not dissociate, disconnect from myself, my friend, or my surroundings.

In the past I would have done all of the above, and put my camera gear away and forget that I even had it, and have no memory of the event, or the trip.

Now, I am triggered, but I am able to stay in the moment, and not only that. I pushed on ahead with the camera and got some amazing shots. It was wonderful, as I was able to stay in the present, and take pictures. This, may not seem like a big deal, but it is for me.

Then I pushed myself even one more step and asked my friend to take some pictures of me throughout this trip, so that I would have pictures of me, safe and in the present, to start replacing the ones from my past.

In the past, when I did take pictures I dissociated and therefore was numb. But this time round, I was in the present and it was an amazing feeling. I got lost in the art of photography for the first time. I started seeing the world differently and it was pretty amazing.

The only way I can explain this, is if all your life you could not taste any of the food you were eating. Then one morning, you wake up and find that you can taste everything. Everything would be new, and amazing. You would find tastes you like, some you don’t, strong flavours or a very subtle something that lingers for just a moment before it is gone. It would open a whole new world to you.

This is what it is like for me with my photography. I look at the pictures I have taken, and am amazed at some of the shots, disappointed with others, but the muse is finally allowed to be here and now in the present, and I can’t wait to get out there and take some more pictures, make some new discoveries.

And all the time I am taking pictures, my past will be right there with me, and that’s ok. Because, while my past is there beside me, I am not in my past. That is the difference!

Sure, I may have moments of anxiety and forgetfulness, but I will be able to stay in the present. After everything I have been through, I think that’s a pretty good place to be.

It has been an unbelievable amount of work to get where I am now. And, somewhere along the way, I learned that I needed to honor my past and everything I have been through. I know this is easier said than done, but it is worth it. And unlike those old boats and buildings, I will be able to tell my story.

I also know, that the next time I take my camera out I will most likely have some anxiety around it, and that my past will be visiting me. But, I also know, that in time, because I honor the memories and my past, there will come a time where they are only memories.

Yes, it’s been hard and very painful work, but so worth it.

I have a couple of the pictures my friend took of me, and it’s amazing. Unlike the ones from my childhood, these pictures are full of life and laughter. I was in awe as I looked at them, my eyes are full of light, laughter, hope and all things possible.

Yep, I sure have come a long way, and yep, it sure is worth it!

These are my thoughts for today.

I wish you all light, love and laughter on your journey.

Cheers and be well

Suzy