Life, Grief and Gardening of a Different Kind….

As you can see, it has been awhile since my last blog post. All I can say is that life has been happening, the good, the bad and everything in between.

I will not kid you, it has been a struggle, and one of the biggest struggles has been dealing with the grief. Grieving, of any kind, takes a lot of work and unfortunately there are no support groups here for my type of grief. It’s hard to explain the enormity of the grieving I am going through, when there is no “tangible loss.” People can’t see what I have lost, because what I am grieving is what happened to me as a kid and caused me to dissociate, and what I grew up with. This realization can be at times overwhelming.  Along with that comes the realization of what ‘could have” and “should have” and the understanding of how it still affects me to this day.

I looked for books to help me through this grief process, but could find very little. I did however find something in the book “The Haunted Self: Structural Dissociation and the Treatment of Chronic Traumatization” ( Onno van der Hart,Ellert R.S. Nijenhuis, Kathy Steele (2006, p. 342-343 ) A section titled “Adaptive Grieving” does speak about this. …..” Immersion in normal life often brings heightened joy and excitement with each new gain and positive experience. But simultaneously there occurs profound grief about missing out on normal life for so long. Both the joy and sadness are related to the realization of the new gains as well as having missed them so long”…..”Grief is hard; it is a task for the emotionally hardy and takes tremendous and sustained mental energy and efficiency. It can be overwhelming at times, and has a strong physical component that mimics sensations of traumatization: anxiety, anger, restlessness, dread, suspense, despair, loneliness, guilt, shame. As C.S Lewis noted in his essay on grief following the death of his wife, “ No one ever told me grief felt like fear” (1961, p.7)

Of course, when it “mimics” those sensations, it takes me time and energy to help the body to understand this is grief and we do not need to go into the fight or flight or re-enactment of past traumatization. As you can see, it’s very complex, - (like everything D.I.D.)-but I do have a great therapist and Dr., friends and family, and I have pulled them all in to help me through this process. Some understand it, some do not, but they have all been wonderful in supporting me the best they can. I have come to realize that as hard as it is, grieving fully, allows me to live and feel life more fully. Instead of running from this grief, I have chosen to honor it, spend time with it, fully embrace and let it unfold as it is meant to. Yes, it is hard and painful work, but it is also liberating.

Because this has taken so much energy, I have once again backed away from my normal activities, dragon boating, golf, socializing etc. I am now happy to say, that I am slowly getting back into the swing of things, but I am still cautious and self-care is my priority.

Last week I went and spent some time out in my much neglected garden. The winter has been great for the weeds and grass to grow throughout, and I must admit that it has been somewhat neglected these last 8 months while I have been working through my stuff and processing. And, as before, once I start working in the garden my mood lifts and I think how therapy is like gardening. The weeds and grass get in the way or block and smother the plants/flowers I want to grow. The weeds can be tiny and easy to pull out, some are bigger and stuck in there, and  last year there was some kind of prickle that  I had to take a shovel to and try to get down deep to pull it out- I have a sneaking suspicion it’s going to return this year.

And like therapy, some things are easy and quick to deal with, and some like that one prickle, take a lot of digging and hard work to get to the root of it. And every once in a while, I am pleasantly surprised when I pull up some big weed, to find that a seed has geminated and against all odds was growing underneath. 

As I was working in my garden I realized I have a lot of work to do before I can plant some more seeds, and once again I will be amazed when the seeds sprout and grow into plants. It then occurred to me that I am also planting another kind of seed, in another kind of garden.

This last week I have had 3 talks/discussions with small groups of high school students. As always these students are amazing, smart, resourceful and dealing with stuff that most people have no idea about. I love talking to youth, hearing what they have to say and answering their amazing questions. I always come away inspired and in awe, hoping I have helped in some way. Later this month I am presenting to two, grade 12 psychology classes, and I know once again I will be amazed by these students. A friend told me “I do think you are doing such good work for the younger members of society who will benefit from your experience.  That is quite a legacy.”

I guess I never really thought of it like that, but I like that idea. So, while I was gardening the other day, I looked at what I do with the youth as planting seeds. Seeds of hope, resiliency, strength, understanding and compassion, to name just a few. And I know, that seeds can last for years and years and when the conditions are right, these seeds will take hold and grow into some amazing, beautiful flowers.

I can live with that!

Those are my thoughts for today.

With much gratitude

Suzy

Singing is Good For The Soul….

As I have mentioned in some past posts- I have always enjoyed music, either playing or singing. No matter how bad life got, music always made me feel better. Sure, my life circumstances would not change, but for those moments I was taken away from the craziness, danger and chaos that was my life.

I have not sung in a group since high school. Fast forward 33 years. I know, it shocks me that much time has passed!

In my community there is a choir called the Letz Sing (http://www.letzsing.com/). This choir is part of the Ubuntu Choirs network (http://www.ubuntuchoirs.net/index.php)-  whose philosophy is “that the joy of singing is a universal birthright.” I had heard about the Letz Sing choir many years ago and had thought about joining. There are no auditions, everyone is welcome, and just over a year ago I took the plunge and joined, there has been no looking back!

I have always loved singing, but had been told by various people throughout my life that I could not sing. So when I did sing, it was very quietly. Even when I was in the school choirs, I just stood in the back, not wanting to be noticed and sung quietly. But I always felt better for doing it.

 I was very nervous the first day I walked into the hall to sing with the Letz Sing choir. All the flashbacks of past insults of being lousy, not being able to sing, sounding like a “cat dying etc. came flooding back to me in full Technicolor, but I was determined I was going to stay at least for this one session. I am so glad I did.

There is no reading music, this is all call and response, meaning the leader will sing a line to us, then we sing it back to her. My, oh my, did my brain get a work out. We sing a lot of world music, meaning songs from around the world in other languages, there are no Broadway musical hits here. Trying to get my tongue and brain around some of these words was a challenge, but with the encouragement from the leader and the people around me, I hung in there, and now these are some of my favorite songs.

When I started, as per my norm, I sung just above a whisper, and ever so slowly and cautiously I started to sing a bit louder each time and I was amazed one day when I heard this voice singing, and realized it was actually mine!! I had never heard myself sing above a whisper before, it was an amazing feeling. At first I looked around to see if I was getting any glares from anyone, but all I received was smiles and encouragement.

This really is an amazing group of people. The choir has a banner that says “Letz Sing a Choir Community” and it really is a community. From the moment I walked in there, perfect strangers welcomed me with open arms, and I now look forward to seeing them all. When I am not there, they notice it, and when I am back they ask me how I am doing. This is an amazing varied collection of people that get together each week to sing. Some are very seasoned singers, and some are singing for the first time in their life. There are singers of varying ability, ages and personalities. And for that 1 and ½ hours we come together as a group and enjoy singing as it should be, without criticism, put downs or comparisons. We sing for the sheer joy of singing and it is not just amazing, it is magical!

The choir meets 3 times a week. Monday night in Courtenay, Tuesday morning in Comox, and Wednesday night in Merville. You can come to one session a week or all three. This year I have been going Monday night and Tuesday morning. At the end of each term, all 3 choirs get together and have a “Big Sing” which is an afternoon of singing and laughter.  Last December was the first time my schedule would allow me to go to the Big Sing. It was amazing to hear all 3 groups singing together and there was lots of magic happening.

With the support and encouragement from this group, I have found “my voice”, this is something that was taken away from me long ago. I still have moments of amazement when I hear myself signing. I no longer hide quietly in the back, but belt it out with my heart and soul, this is an amazing feeling. And I always feel better for it.

This has been another amazing leg of my healing journey. When I was in the hospital in February, I had a pass and I went to the Tuesday morning singing. I was in really rough shape, and I did cry when we sang one of the songs, but that’s OK because it means it touched my soul. I am not the only one in this group who has cried while singing. Songs touch our souls, and for me, singing them allows access to those parts of me that have been in the shadows for many years.

Singing with this group has given me confidence, and this confidence carries on into other areas of my life. I have made some good friends and met amazing people of all ages.

This evening, we got together and were being recorded for a CD. We sang in an old church and the acoustics were amazing, the sound was amazing, and yes, the experience was amazing. Are we a group that hits the perfect note and perfect pitch every time? No, I don’t imagine we are, but like the very diverse group that we are, our sound is rich, multilayered, and full of resonance. It is full of life, and love, and soul. This is what happens when you get a group singing together for the sheer joy of singing.I wouldn't want it any other way.

 This safe, accepting and supportive group has helped me more than any of them will ever know and I feel as if I am part of this choir community. With hard work and finding my voice I notice that my life is rich, multilayered and full of resonance. Singing has once again helped with my life and touched my soul.

I am fortunate to be part of this community. If you are not as fortunate, sing along with the radio, in the shower or as you drive down the road. You will be amazed at how much better you feel.Give it a try.

These are my thoughts for today.

Cheers and be well

Suzy

PS- A very interesting study on heart beat synchronization and singing

http://www.bbc.com/news/science-environment-23230411 

I Will Never Look At Books The Same Way Again!

Well, 12 days later, I am still slogging through the mud, and my past, but I have also discovered something else amazing.

I have always loved books. I have always thought it would be a great to live in a library. I love library’s, I love the wonderful smell that greats me when I walk into a book store. I always thought that if you could bottle the smell , it would sell well. Books were my friends when I had none, and when I didn’t know if I could deal with my world, books took me away. 

In my last post I told you about the book “SHE: Understanding Feminine Psychology by Robert A Johnson. It is about the Goddess Psyche going down into the underworld.

A few days after reading the book, I met my son for coffee.  I was telling him about the Goddess, and the Myth. Ten minutes later, I realized that I actually remembered 98% of the story. I have never been able to do this. In the past, I would have had to read the book 5 times, write notes and bring the notes with me so that I could explain the myth to my son.  I have never been able to remember this much before.

 

School would have been so much easier!

Needless to say this has come as a pleasant surprise to me. I did not know it could be like this.

Since then I have read Sylvia Taylor “The Fisher Queen A deckhand’s tale of the BC coast.” It’s a great read and it is amazing that I can remember most of the book, and sometimes my mind wanders back to that book and its great stories. This is new to me.

In the past, I would read a book, then later know I may have read that book, remember a couple of the main characters, maybe a bit of the story line, but that would be it.

Now it is so different. As I told my Dr. this morning “I never knew reading could be this wonderful, this rich, this easy. It amazes me.”

Yes, school would have been so much easier. I look back now and think of the energy it took to make it through school, and then later in life, college, at the age of 30, as a single parent. School and college is tough enough, but put in being D.I.D. and it is amazing I made it.

Actually, it’s amazing I survived at all. But that’s another blog for another day.

In the last couple of days I have noticed a calm about me. There is no anxiety/fear, of any level waiting in the wings, waiting to jump out at me when I least expect. There is no anxiety beneath everything I do. The panic and anxiety used to be there even when I was “staying in the moment.”

Last weekend I went to my stained glass class. I am making a stained glass piece for friends of mine. This is the first design I have ever made, and its free hand design.  It is also only the 4^th piece I have ever made. This last weekend while I was working on it, I realized adjustments are going to have to be made to the design, and that’s ok. I also realized as I was cutting and grinding some of the glass that I was much more relaxed about the whole process. There was no underlying panic/anxiety underlying my work.  My creativity was flowing freely, it was a wonderful feeling. And yes, this is also new.

Some of my friends have mentioned that I seem calmer, am more relaxed and my eyes are brighter.

Do I still have moments where it’s hard to put one foot in front of the other- you bet, that’s most of my day. But I am noticing these glittering moments within that darkness. These last few months have been amazingly painful.  The work I had to do has been god awful and I don’t wish it on my worst enemy. But, I also know it was a much needed process and step in my work.

I knew it had to be done and I pulled in my supports to help me. My life as I know it has been “put on hold.” Like the Goddess Psyche I needed to go down into the underworld and retrieve what I needed, and in my case I retrieved lost parts of me. But, not only did I retrieve the lost parts of me, I retrieved all their richness and gifts that make up who they are. As one friend put it “Maybe they were never lost, maybe they were just waiting for when you were ready to find them.” I guess I was ready.

In a previous post I wrote an excerpt from my journal “It’s interesting how- it’s not usually some huge monumental thing that that is an indication I am getting better-it’s the small everyday things that people take for granted- but when your down in the deep dark bowels of your soul, doing your work- doing the everyday things are just too much….”

I did not realize that doing the everyday things also included being able to remember a piece of music, what I read, and not having anxiety/fear underline everything I do.

Yes, this recovery is a very slow process, and I need to be very careful and make sure I don’t surface from the underworld to soon. What this  means is that I need to be gentle with myself and slowly get back into the swing of life. For the time being I need to focus on my recovery, and that means, for now, part of my life is on hold. But I also know that when I am ready, life will be waiting for me.

Until then, I am going to sit back, relax and enjoy my books, like never before.

Those are my thoughts for today

Cheers and be well

Suzy

The Sound Of Music...Revised

It only been 19 days since my last post, but it feels more like three months. It has been a tough and hard slog through this stage of my journey, and there have been many surprises along the way. Some good, some not so good, but it is all growth, and it all adds up to having a better life. But like it or not, I am still in recovery mode!

I am surprised how much this trip into the underworld has taken out of me. I shouldn't be, but I am all the same. Then it came to me last night, I am still on my journey. Just because I am out of the hospital does not mean my journey or work is finished. Needless to say this came as a bit of a surprise to me.

I have recovered what I needed to from the underworld, I am now surfacing and as I said in my last post..."I have to do it slowly so I don't get the bends or burst my eardrums." But it is very slow, and this morning I came to the realization that I need to be just as careful coming up as I was going down.

This is hard to do when you realize something amazing has happened!!!

I have always liked music, and it has always spoken to me. This past year I have joined a community choir and am enjoying it.  After high school graduation I earned a living playing on weekends in a 4 piece band.

When I was involved in music, I could hear it at the time, the nuances, instrumentation etc. But what I could not do was recall any of this at will. Even just before I started playing it, I could not hear the whole arrangement in my head. I could sort of hear the main tune, but not the whole piece. I remember being up on stage getting ready to play a song, I would know how it was going to be played- meaning the timing, the tune etc., but I could not hear in my head the whole arrangement with the whole band. I could not pull it up from my memory-even though I played the song a hundred times. Once we started playing I could hear all the parts, but again, once the song was over, I could not pull any of that up in my memory. 

I could only pull up the memory of the music in fragmented parts, because it was a fragmented part of self who played the music.

Well, last week, I was thinking of a musical CD that I have been listening to lately, and something amazing happened. Not only did I think about it, but I could hear the songs in my head. Now, in the past, I had been able to hear the songs, sort of. Meaning I could hum or remember part of the tune, and then if I sung it, the rest of the tune came to me, but this recall is different!!! This time round, not only could I hear the tune- as opposed to it coming to me- but I could hear the entire song, without singing it, and I could hear the full musical score. I could hear the artist singing the song, and every note, and every nuance that makes him the singer that he is. I could hear the horn section, and the instrumentals for the entire song...it was amazing...I could hear all of this in my head...I had never experience that before.

Last night I woke up with one of my warm flushes, and as I'm going back to sleep one of the songs we sing in the choir came to me. But it was not just one line, I could hear all the sections, soprano, alto, tenor and base, all together at the same time...I have never ever been able to do this, and until last week  did not know it was even possible!

It’s like listening to a small 45 rpm record on an old, cheap portable record player with a worn out needle, and thinking that's what it really sounds like. Then going to Carnegie Hall and listening to a world renowned orchestra live. This is amazing...It’s like having bland food all your life and you thought this was the norm, and then someone cooks it right, adds spices and salt and pepper and the flavors just pop in your mouth!  

I'm assuming this is what explicit memory looks like. To be able to recall all of the event/music, to be able to pull it up when I want to, not just a thread of it, but the whole thing.

Because of the hard work I did at the hospital this time round, -which builds on all the hard work I have done there in the past- as well as all my therapy work-I am able to be more present- meaning the “whole me” is listening to the music, so the “whole me” will be able to recall it, and also I am able to build and access explicit memory. It’s like a switch has been turned on and that part of the brain is now working. 

Is this what it is like to not be fractured?

Needless to say I am very excited about this, I have never experienced this before and I can’t wait to get out there and see what else I can do. But I am not finished my journey and to skip the next critical stage would not be a good thing.

I am experiencing life at a level I never knew existed! What I mean by this I am experience it as a cohesive, non-fractured person. I will try to explain.

Before, I would experience life in fragments, like one slice, then another, and another, but they were never joined, they were never one whole piece. Imagine a slide show where only a small piece of the slide would show, then the next slide, another small piece, but of a completely, non-related subject matter. Then not being able to recall the slide show, let alone remember you were even there.

Now, Imagine being in an IMAX theater. Sitting front and center, and as the movie plays-(experiencing life)-you are getting the 360 degree, surround sound, surround picture experience in all its glory. This is how it is for me now.

I am able to not only remember what I have done, but the event itself. I can remember talking to my family Doctor a couple of days ago. I can also remember the conversation we had, and I can hear his voice, his accent, and the nuances in his speech. The other day I received an e-mail from a friend, and as I’m reading it, I could hear his voice, as if he was there talking to me. This just amazes me!  

Is it no wonder I want to go out and get back into life as fast as I can. But I have more work to do.

As wonderful as it is to experience life in 360 degree IMAX form, I am still in a healing stage, and I need to honor that. If I do not do the healing work, then this has all been for not.

In the past, I have worked on my healing, but it, like my life, was done in fractured states. Now, I need to heal in this new modality. This means that I am healing in 360 degree IMAX form as well. I am experiencing it as “one,” all aspects of me together.

This takes, time and energy and support. I am healing and dealing with my past as I have never done before. I was not able to. But as painful as this is, I know I need to do it.

Some people call this “integration”. I am integrating my past with my present, and it is very painful, exhausting work.

I had once written in a magazine article “I had spent most of my life being numb. For the first time in my life I began working at staying in the moment; not only noticing the switching but feeling the physical and emotional pain from the past. It scared the crap out of me. I think of it as how an addict might feel during recovery. Could I indeed live in the moment and feel life, past and present without dissociating?”- (http://bc-counsellors.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/IICC-Dec2012-winter.pdf)

So, my present challenge and “task” is to watch my past in full 360 IMAX form, and also grieve it in full IMAX form, meaning not numb it, run or dissociate from it. This is hard and exhausting work. And yes, the thoughts of numbing or running from it come to mind, some days more than others. But I know this work is a much needed step. Grieving is very hard work!!
Because I am not dissociating distracting or running from it, I feel very raw, having nightmares. I am using my energy and focusing on this and I have little energy for anything else. But, for now, that is how it needs to be.
I have looked for literature on the process for “integration” but have found very little, and none of it speaks of the exhausting, painful, gut wrenching, crying, blubbering, snot nosed, I can barely do self-care let alone go grocery shopping, process that it really is. Of the “wishing I never knew this” stage, “why couldn’t I leave well enough alone” and “I wish I didn’t feel anything” stages. And I can clearly understand and respect why some people choose not to take this step.

The closest literature I came to was the process addicts go through when they stop using and deal with their addictions and issues. But, there are no support groups for people with DID, no daily meetings, sponsors, educational classes etc. I personally know of no one who has gone through this process of integration.

So, I am making my own support groups. I see my therapist, I am seeing my family doctor twice a week, and next week will move it up to three times a week. He did tell me I can phone the office anytime and come in at the end of the day. I did tell him it’s like I am back in the beginning, when I first started working on my stuff. If I got up, dressed and out of the house for 30 minutes, it was a successful day.

 I have to focus on self-care, grounding, and bring “intention” into my day like I have not in a long time. I have to be careful of what I watch on tv, and what I read. I have to be super aware of what I am feeling and do body scans- to see where I am holding tension etc- throughout the day. And I need quiet and space.

I am calling on my friends and family to help, cups of tea and quiet walks. I have to remember to focus and be “in the moment” and not worry about what I will or will not be able to do a day, week, or month from now. It will take as long as it takes.

While I was in the hospital I e-mailed a dear friend and asked him who it was – Goddess-that went down into the underworld to retrieve what she needed. He told me it was Psyche, and that he has a booklet about it that I can borrow.

The small, easy to read book is called SHE: Understanding Feminine Psychology by Robert A Johnson. This book came at the right time.

One of the passages that spoke to me was…” The Best way to solve a dilemma is to stand absolutely still, and that is what Psyche does”….".If you have ever been dazzled out of your wits, if you have been knocked totally out of orbit, it Is best to keep still"…."A woman has a profound capacity to be still, perhaps, the most powerful act any human being can make. She is required to go back to a very inner center every time something profound happens to her. This is a highly creative act but must be done correctly. She is to be receptive, not passive”. 

Being able to recall the music in its whole form has “dazzled me out of my wits”. Having all the memories-(they are memories as opposed to flashbacks) - come at me as a 360 degree IMAX surround sound has “knocked me totally out of my orbit”. So, I am standing still, getting the supports I need and doing the work need to do, and grieve.

This will take time, it will take energy, but it is so worth it. I know there will be a time where the memories, are that, memories, and that life will be lived in more vivid colours, sound, and like the music I will experience a richness I never even knew existed.

I will keep you posted

I wish you all well in your journeys
Cheers and be well

Suzy  

WELL THAT JOURNEY WAS A LOT OF FUN....NOT

As I said in my last blog " a monumental amount of work needs to be done, some hard core, deep inward journeys await me,.." and I was right.

The Monday after posting my last blog I went to see my family Dr and told him its time for me to go into the hospital and work on what I need to work on. I gave him an updated copy of my care plan that I give the hospital staff and let him know what was going on, as if he couldn't see it. I was emotional, crying, just in really bad shape. He, had no issues with me going in and he let the hospital know, and  then it was just a matter of  waiting for the phone call. 

Someone I know mentioned to me.." so your going back in to deal with your demons." My reply was, " They are not demons, they are lost very fractured parts of my self and I need to go in to honor their and my story, retrieve those parts and bring them home to me. It's like shadows, when you think you see something in the night, or see a shadow and you think its something really scary, but in the morning light you realize it was the bed post or something like that. This is the same, it may seem big and scary, but like a shadow, if I shine a light on it, I see it for what it is. For me, its very lost and scared parts of self, that are stuck back in time and need to come home-( to the present).

As I have mentioned before, I feel these moments coming and am aware of the signs, and know when I need to go in and  process what I need to process. And because I know the signs I can go to my Dr and let him know its time, and then he can advocate for me. At one time I was so disconnected from myself that I would not realize I was in trouble until I hit a full blown crisis mode and would end up in emergency seeking admittance.  

Now I know when I need to go in, and can get my Dr to advocate for me, and knowing, that at some point in time in the next couple of weeks I will get in, helps take some of the pressure off of me. Knowing that help is coming helps stop the "all or nothing" thinking.

Until I got that phone call, I called on family and friends- and they also volunteered -to help me through this time. This consisted of going for walks, having coffee or tea with me, and checking up on me. I have an amazing support system and I love them all. 

This past Christmas my husband had got me tickets to go see Matt Anderson perform  up in Campbell River- a town 45 minutes north of here. This guy is an amazing blues singer,songwriter  and player and has won many awards, as he should. He is from Perth-Andover, New Brunswick and is amazing. I debated on going to see him, but my best friend Laurel came with me. I knew I was safe with her. We have been friends for 18 years and she can read me like a book, often noticing when I switch or am triggered before I even know it. I debated on going but thought that the break would be good for me. It was, it was an amazing performance, and Laurel did a great job checking in with me to see how I was doing and yes, there was a moment I got triggered and she spotted it as was there to check in with me, to see how I was doing, support me  and this stopped me from dissociating. It was a lovely evening.

The next afternoon I got a call from my Dr's office telling me I had a bed on the pshy unit at the hospital.

Now, I NEVER make my decision to go in lightly. This is a very serious decision and as I state on my care plan, I have done everything in my power, used all my supports and done everything on my safety plan to stay out of the hospital, but there does come a time when I have to realize that everything I am doing is not working and I need to go in. I also put the following on my care plan

"...Some people have  asked me why I cant put this on the back burner and move on. This has been on the back burner for years and years and it keeps coming back to burn me.  I explain it like this…

If someone had an accident and their leg got hurt, they healed and were only able to walk 1 mile a day, they would be limited by that. Sure, the good news is that they can walk, the bad news is that its only a mile a day.

If they were told that they could have an operation to improve that,. The surgery would be painful, it would take some time to recover, but they would be better then before the surgery, chances are they would have it done. And, after the pain of recovery they could walk further then they had before. 


Coming here and processing what needs to be processed is my surgery.

The good news is I survived overwhelming life events that no one should ever have to endure, the bad news is that it limits me and interferes with my life.

By coming here, into this contained, supportive space, I am able to let my guards down, not worry about what I should be doing, ..... I know I am safe  while on the unit. This allows me to focus on what needs to be processed. By being here, I know that if I dissociate during the day or night, I am safe. .... By knowing  this, I can put my energy into getting better.

 This work takes an amazing amount of energy and it is very painful, physically and emotionally, but it is a break through, and not a break down. Like the surgery, I know it is necessary and will allow me to have a better quality of life, and allow me to do more.

Your help and support during this time is received with much heartfelt gratitude."

This is part of my care plan, the rest goes on to explain what is happening and what the staff can do to support me. 

So with care plan in hand I go, with trepidation, to the hospital. The trepidation is not because of the hospital, its was because of the work I knew awaited me. I was right.

It was a very intense two weeks of hard work! It was gut wrenching, soul searching, going to the very core of who I was. Going to the very core of what happened to me and why I split, and having to look at that terrible truth, not run from it but, stay present, accept and acknowledge it  has been one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.

I told my friends and staff-( and 2nd year nursing students that were doing their practicum)- That I felt like the Goddess Psyche, who had to swim down into the underworld to retrieve part of herself, that's what I was doing. I knew I needed to make this inward journey, to find those lost parts of self, recover them and bring them back up to the surface. And, like swimming in the ocean, or any body of water, the further down you get the harder it is to swim. The buoyancy, pressure and currents are against you. The deeper I swam- meaning the closer I got to the truth and recovering of my fractured parts- the harder the swim. 

It is so hard to put into words the energy and gut wrenching work this takes. At one point I told my friends and staff that I am at the point where I don't want to do this anymore. Like when I -( and I think pretty much every women gets)- when I was giving birth to my son. There was a  stage where I was exhausted and didn't think I could go on. I didn't want to do this anymore and just wanted  go home. But, I also knew that, if I hung in there, kept up with the work, give it a final few pushes,( swimming strokes to the bottom)- I would recover this amazing part of myself. So I called on my nurses and Dr, friends and family for support,like never before and I wrote and wrote and wrote. 

I would perform a smudge every day, sometimes more then once and their never was an issue with it.

The staff all commented how they love that I brought in a care plan so they can understand why I am there, whats going on and how best they can support me. They reminded me, and I asked them to keep telling me, that there was no pressure on me to leave, to honor this process and let it take its natural course. Many of the nurses there have seen me in before and seen how the process works. They kept touching base with me and checking in and when I needed to talk I did, and boy did I talk. And they were there with me, through all the long nights, the tears and sobs, body wrenching pain and memories. They sat beside me, held my hand, reminded me- and the kid I was that this happened to- that we did nothing wrong- and some even made us cups of tea, all while doing their nursing duties. They all told me they knew I was working hard, and that I had made the right decision to come into the hospital. I even had one nursing student who said.." I have never met anyone before who had complete control of their care plan while they are on the unit, this is very unique."

I had amazing support from family and friends. I e-mailed one of the instructors form my outward bound course-she was also one of my instructors on the 2005 course and we have kept in contact throughout the years. She wrote.." What grace you demonstrate within the courage to step into your work. So beautiful to know that you held space for your self and your soul to smudge-to clear and protect you for these next several days! I am honored to be with you through these times...and know that the mountains that held you through your women of courage week, the blue bird skies, the grizzly bears, grasses and trees are with you too, supporting you to release what you need in order to create the space you speak of.-( I had mentioned that I needed to process the old stuff and let it go to create space for anew)- All the medicine you gained in that journey resides within. I know you know this-but sometimes gentle reminders with loving kindness are good :) 

I had taken some of my pictures from my Outward Bound course in the Rookies, and taped them to my wall, to remind me of what I can and have done. I also took my postcard of Ireland, that my Dr brought back  for me, from his last trip to Ireland, to remind me where I am going to go!!!!!

When I was in an especially tough spot my best friend wrote....It's -( this work)- is so tough but you are invested in the life of today, and amaze me because many of us would have pulled out of this exploration. But, you keep going, knowing intuitively that the answers will make you more of what you want to be as a whole being."Yes, she got it and I showed that to all the of my nurses and my Dr, because I could not have put it better.

It was a grueling two weeks, but I also know it is what I needed to do. And, as I said I asked for and received amazing help, from the staff, my Dr and my family and friends, I had visits and e-mails every day and my friends were and are amazing, and it touched and still touches my heart to see and know how many people love me and how many people held me loving in their hearts more then ever at this difficult time. And whats even more amazing is that I could and continue to feel all the love they have for me.

One night my nurse and I were talking. She remembers 10 years ago when I first came into the hospital, they didn't know what to do with me, and I could not yet articulate what I needed for support or what was going on with me. It did not "just happen" that I have what I have now. It took a lot of hard work and it took a lot of "pushing the comfort zone" and taking chances, especially when asking for help.In the beginning asking for help was terrifying for me, as my upbringing had made me believe the world was not safe and that I could trust no one. Man, where they wrong! And am I ever glad that I pushed the comfort zone and took a chance.

And as I said I did a ton of writing. I have a 8x12 inch hard cover blank journal, its a sketch book that I use for a journal and I filled half of it, and had to get another one to write in. 

Once I got down to the bottom of the underworld and recovered those lost fractured parts of self I started to come back up to the surface.The forces that were a hinder on my descent, where now supporting me to surface, the buoyancy, pressure currents  are helping me to come to the top, but like any deep sea  diving surfacing  to fast  can cause the bends, broken ear drums etc. And just like real diving I need to surface slowly and in control. I need to take my time coming back to the surface and getting back into my life. 

I was on the unit for two weeks and once the work was done I started to feel, and look better.I realized I had not brushed my teeth in a week, and I could feel that now.  That  morning I wrote in my journal...." It's interesting how- its not usually some huge monumental things that is an indication I am getting better-its the small, everyday things that people take for granted-but when you are down in the deep dark bowels of your soul, doing your work-doing the everyday things are just to much- and take to much energy-energy you don't have. And, when you are that deep into your work it doesn't even occur to you!!!!!

So, I have surfaced, and I am being gentle with myself. I have seen my therapist and I saw my Dr yesterday. I told him I am struggling, its hard work I am exhausted. Like he and my therapist both mentioned, I have done an amazing amount of work and worked for two weeks straight, no wonder I am tired. I told him that I am emotional and teary and I believe this is grieving and that I do need to grieve what happened to me. He totally understood that and supports me. I told him that I need to lovingly hold what happened to me, and those parts of self that it happened to, hold them close to my heart and support them, grieve what happened. I also know that, like I tell the groups that I present to, I am not my experience. Meaning I am not what happened to me, its part of my history, it happened to me, I need to acknowledge and grieve that, but it is not who I am.

This may have happened to me, but it is not who I am, it did not touch my essence....as in one e-mail my therapist sent me during this time she wrote.....the untouchable core of each child/person-essential self no human can touch or harm.In each of us is a transcendent core- Wise Mind, essential Self, Soul,..what ever each spiritual tradition wants to call it, it is the same...pure, incorruptible, connected to the universe....you survived because of this core.... 

Yes, this  happened to me, BUT it is not who I am, it did not touch my essence.

It was a very tough and painful journey, probably one of the toughest and most painful ever. It took a lot out of me, but I can see where all my training -(therapy and hard work)- had prepared me for it. I am now in recovery mode, and like any surgery, it will take time before I am back into the swing of life with full speed. 

I told the hospital staff, my Dr and the nursing students that if I had not gone into the hospital last year, and done the work I did then, I would not have been able to go on the Outward Bound course I took in September.

As I was sitting in my doctors office yesterday I told him.."I am looking forward to seeing what my life will be like now that I have recovered these lost parts of self and see where my life leads me."

I know it will take time. I know I need to honor and grieve what happened to me, I know I need to be gentle and kind to myself and most important I know that what happened to me is not who I am, and that I have amazing love, kindness and supports in my life. And, that it is safe to ask for help.

I will keep you all posted on this next leg of my journey.

May all your journeys be safe.

Cheers and be well

Suzy

In Between Fog Banks....

It has been a busy month, lots of good stuff, and in between that good stuff , there has been struggle,lots of struggle. But I have been coping.

I am working through some heavy duty stuff, and have been able to have moments where I function pretty well. That is good news. In the past, processing what I have been working on "would have taken me out at the knees" my functioning would have been at a much lower level.

In between the struggles I have have participated  in 2 ringette tournaments, given 2 school presentations, written a couple of press releases, had therapy, checked in with my family doctor, gone for walks, had tea and visits with my friends, and enjoyed the company of my family.

And battling with my computer!

To make a long story short, I received a new lap top for my birthday in November, as my old one was on its last legs and screaming at me.

The new computer had a frozen pixel, so I  took it back and got an exchange, came home and within 3 days the computers  video card went, took it back and exchanged it for another computer, brought that one home and within 2 days its started to randomly shut down on me. It would start up right away again, so it was not over heating. I went back to the store, told them what was happening and they told me to go home, re set it to the factory settings and see what happens. The next day the same things happened. I later took it into the store, they could not figure out what was wrong, I took it back home and the next day, yep, it happened again.

There was a bit of  "difference of opinion" between the store and I on what we should do, I was pro-active, sent the store headquarters a letter and in the end  the store offered to exchange it with the same kind of computer, give me my money back of get a different brand of computer.

Now, I don't know why this shipment of computers kept breaking , I don't know if it was unhappy workers at the factory or if it was a Monday morning or Friday afternoon line that made these computers. But something was not right, and it was time to change tactic, and with this, I went to another brand, and so far so good.

When something is not right, and what you are doing is no longer working, its time to change things up.This pertains to both computers and life!

As I said I have been working on some heavy duty stuff, been functioning OK, but I feel a change coming.I have noticed that it is taking more and more energy to function and do the things I was doing and enjoy.

I have seen this pattern many times and recognize it for what it is. It means a monumental amount of work needs to be done, some hard core, deep inward journeys await me, and I need to prepare for them.

These past couple of weeks I have increase my therapy sessions and  touching base with my family doctor twice a week. They both know that when I am having difficulty, I increase my visits with them. This keeps them in the loop, and up to speed on how I am really doing. It gives us both a chance to talk about how best they and others can support me through this process.We work on what the issues are, and  take note of how I am handling all of this. Am I dissociating at all, how are my P.T.S.D. symptoms and sleep patterns. Am I remembering to eat, forgetting to do day to day things, cutting  back on my socializing etc.

I am being pro active for myself and have learned that I don't need to deal with all of this on my own.

This past week has been a struggle, and I have cut back on some activities that I enjoy, and socializing with people I care about. I hope these people realize its not about them.

I have a limited amount of energy, need to take care of myself and I am preparing for a deep inward journey.I have had many of these journeys, they are hard, painful, and I have to look at the past and process it, to have it no longer affect my present and future.

Yesterday, was an amazing sunny day. We do not get many of them in the winter, and especially this year with all the fog we have been having. I took advantage of the sunshine and went for a lovely walk down to a local beach, then up the flight of 170 or so stairs, and continued on the path that went further and steeper till I reached the end of the trail. On the way back down I stopped and enjoyed the amazing view, and took a couple of pictures of it. I noticed out over the strait a fog bank was approaching.

I continued down the trail and stairs, walked along the beach for awhile till I found a place that felt right, sat down and did a smudge. As I was doing this I could feel the fog coming in, and the temperature drop. I sat still, felt the fog as it touched my face and hands, and became one with the smudge.

When the time was right, I quietly packed up, walked along the beach, listening to the gravel speak to me as it crunched under my feet till I got to the road, then walked home in quiet contemplation.

I know there is a personal fog bank coming, I know the journey will be hard and painful and I also know that I will come out of this a much stronger and better person.

I also know, I am not alone. This inner journey may be solitary work, but I have many supports and loving people that will hold my hand, make me a cup of tea, or sit and listen as I do what I need to do. I do not yet know if this journey will happen at home, or if I will need to go into the hospital. I will make what ever is the best choice for me, and I know I have support for wherever this work happens.

I also know that the smudge will be a big part of it!

Yes, I feel a fog bank coming, but I am getting my ducks lined up, being pro active and prepared to do what I need to do to come out the other side a much stronger, happier and healthier person.I know, that right now, something is not working so its time to switch things up and do what I need to do to get back into the swing of life once again.

I will keep you posted
May all your journeys be safe.

Cheers and be well

Suzy

My Christmas wish for you...

It is the Winter Solstice!

The shortest day of the year, a time when the darkness in longest, a time to gather inside, and snuggle down. It is a few days away from Christmas, and there is much excitement in the air.

Since it has been awhile since my last post, this will be a longer post than normal. After all, it is the day of darkness, and the season of abundance, so tonight is a perfect night to read a long post.

So are your ready? Make a cup of tea, snuggle down in your favourite chair, and relax. Turn off your phones, and put whatever you are doing on hold. Take a deep breath, relax and enjoy.

During the past month I  have been in a ringette tournament, been sick with a flu  bug, had a cold from Hell, dealing with day to day challenges, a lap top computer that had died on me,getting a new one and  then having to exchange it three times. Put the excitement for the Christmas season on top of that and as you can see I have been a wee bit busy. It has not been bad, just busy.

And with this busyness comes my daily challenges and remembering I have to take care of myself, and then knowing I needed to do a blog post. I have been a little off balance, but it has not been too bad. I have been checking in with my therapist and family doctor, and considering everything, I am doing pretty good.

I love this time of year. It is also full of triggers and history of not great stuff. I have worked hard to make sure I  have moments of joy in the season, and one of those moments is going to cut down a Christmas tree with my son.

I love having a real Christmas tree, I love the smell, the look and the feeling of a tree in my house. Its something that speaks to me, and something that is good for my soul. I love to turn the house lights off, sit back, turn the Christmas tree lights in and just look. I does not matter how many Christmas' I have had, I still love this and it is one of my favourite, if not the most favourite thing about the holidays.

Monday afternoon was the day my son and I went on the great adventure, of finding the right, or perfect Christmas tree.

We went to a couple of places, the first place, the trees were way to small. The second  place the trees were to expensive. The third tree farm we went to, the price and in the end, the tree was just right. The elderly gentleman who owns and operates the tree farm came out with a chainsaw and cut the tree down for us. I think he is a retired logger and really enjoys doing this. My son and I put the tree on the roof of the car and drive home.

This is a magical time of the year. What happened next, happens to me each year. I know I should not be surprised, but I am each and every time.

As I was driving home, the friction of the car passing through the  air makes the tree grow!!! It really does! When we got home, the tree was longer and wider then when we put it on the car.I just start laughing.

My son takes the tree off the roof rack and later on I prepare to bring it into the house. This was not as easy task, as the tree is way wider then the door. I put the tree stand on it, and then with some strength, I pull the tree through the door. I had already trimmed the tree, but the top of it reached our eight foot ceiling. I placed it in the corner, in front of two bookcases, and all you can see of them is the top left corner of one! It is a huge tree, big and bushy, you can't see through it and it and makes the house smell wonderful. I love it.

After I got it up, and secured it,  I pull out a couple of dead needles and notice some straw on one of the branches. I reach in, up to my arm pits, I told you it was a big tree, pulled out the straw and low and behold, in my hand was a birds nest, no shit, a real birds nest made out of straw, about four inches across!

I could not believe this, this has never happened  before and I thought, " I wonder if this means its going to be a very special Christmas." I am now in the process of preserving that nest.

Later that night, I decorated the tree. This year I have made some glass icicles and given them as gifts and made some for my tree and I really like how they look on this gigantic tree.After the decorations and ornaments were put on, I turned off the house lights, breathed in the lovely pine scent, sat back in quiet solitude and looked at the tree, and thought of this past year, of all the blessings I have in my life, and of all the people who have helped me get to where I am today.

I thought back to when I first started my journey, of all the dark days, confusion, and unbelievable pain I experienced. Back then, every time I would make progress,something else would come up. It was like having a big wound, a scab would grow over it, and then I would have to pull it off again, exposing the raw emotions to the air, and my God, it hurt, it stung, and there were days I wondered if it was all worth it. It took so much energy to put one foot in front of the other,let alone get dressed and go outside, and there were many days I could not do the former.

I thought about the days and nights of darkness, real darkness deep in my soul, I could not see the light,I wasn't even sure it existed.  I was exhausted, I did not know how I was going to make it through the next 15 minutes, let alone the next day.To top it off I was terrified of the world, terrified of my illness, terrified of not knowing where my life was heading.

As I sat and gazed upon my beautiful, full tree, I then started thinking about some people I know who are beginning their journey. I wondered how they were doing, where they were in their journey and hoping that the can hang on and feel and deal with what they need to, and eventually come out the other end a healthier and happier person.

I remember when I started looking at the circumstances that caused me to dissociate. The very thought of doing this scared the shit out of me and I spent much energy distracting myself from those pesky emotions. But in time, I realized I needed to deal with it all if I was going to move forward. As the process continued, I realized that the fear was holding me back, and what was hiding in the deep dark recesses of my mind,would loose their power once the light was shone upon them.

 I thought about how I needed to feel the old pain and hurts,to have space for the new,so that I could be at a place where I am now. A place where I can feel the love people have for me, a place where I am not ashamed of who I am or what I have been through, a place where I am connected to humanity, my friends and my family.

I was not always connected to people. In fact, because of what happened to me, I had put up walls around me, and dissociated from the human race. Some use drugs and alcohol to numb, my drug of choice was dissociation. This did help me to survive as a child, kept away the pain, but it isolated me and shut me off from all positive interactions. It also stoped me from trusting others.

I realize now, why I did not trust, and I guess I knew back then why I did not trust, but I knew of no alternative, as I  had had very little experience of that.Not only did I not trust others, but because I could not trust the world, I did not trust myself. What I mean by this, is that I did not try anything new, because I was afraid I would get into trouble if I did it wrong.

But.little by little, with the help of some wonderful knowledgeable and caring people, I slowly learned to trust them, the world and eventually myself.

So, why am I telling you this. I am telling you this because I want you to know, that no matter where you are in your journey- and lets face it, everyone is on a journey- it can get better. I'm telling you this because I want you to know that the pain, as bad and as deep as it feels, will not go on forever. I am telling you this because you can learn to trust the world, and yourself and it really can get better.I am telling you this because there is light at the end of the fog, you may not see or feel it, but it is there. I am telling you this because I want you to know that no matter what happened to you, what you had to do to survive,or what they told you, you are precious. That preciousness was shining and present the day you were born, everyone has it. Others may have  tried to put it out, dumping all the crap on it, but it is still there, and when the time is right, when you are ready, it will emerge and shine through, and you and it will be brilliant and amazing.

 My Christmas wish for you, is to know, that you are precious, that you do matter, that  you are not alone and that your life can get better.

My Christmas wish for you, is to know that you do have the strength to get through this, the strength to work through and have an amazing life.

My Christmas wish for you is that , you feel loved and special.

As I sit back at gaze at my tree, the room lights are off and the tree and its lights look amazing. I notice the icicles I have made are shining and sparkling. They look nice when the room lights are on, but in the dark they are stunning and brilliant, and are showing their true beauty.

Very much like when one looks at and works through their dark and painful issues. It may be dark, but this is a place in which you discover how strong you really are and your shining and brilliant light will get you through.

As I was walking out of the house yesterday, I look down, and on the ground is a stone that looks just like a birds egg. I pick it up and low and behold it is a birds egg. It has a little hole in it from where another bird had been at it, but besides that its whole and perfect. And its just the right size for the nest that was in my Christmas tree.

Yes, It is going to be a special Christmas

May you find Joy in unexpected places
May you feel at Peace in your corner of the world
May you find Comfort in the little things
May you feel Loved

This is my Christmas wish for you

Until next time
Suzy