R & R……
Usually R&R stands for rest and relaxation. But for me it is recovery and reflection…
A few days after my last post I did go into the “St Joseph Spa and Treatment center”- known as the local hospital pshy unit, I needed a very contained space in which would allow me to process past events. It was very hard work and when my work was done I posted the following on my face book...
“I am in the R&R stage..Recovery and Reflection on this epic journey of mine, it’s been a huge journey physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. One cannot go through what I have just gone through and not be changed...it will change me for the better or the worse- I choose the better.....I am a more whole and better person, thank you to everyone who has helped me with this journey.....”
The staff were wonderful and very supportive and I came home a week ago today.
Last week I cancelled all my appointments and am taking it easy and am very slowly moving back into life. Each day gets a bit better. I still have moments throughout the day where I get what I call the “prickly fuzzies”, which I describe as a shiver traveling through my body, and it’s more just under the skin as opposed to traveling along the top of the skin. I still get some blurred vision, tremble and shake some but it is much better then when I was in the hospital, and it’s only bits of the day and not painful like it was when I was in the hospital. I do have some moments of “being in a funk” which I will keep an eye on, as I have suffered from depression in the past. As I did some journaling this afternoon it occurred to me this funk, like the above symptoms have been temporary.
As in every time I visit “The Spa” I come out with a little bit of myself that was lost so long ago, thus a more whole person. And, as always I have a new perspective of the effects of the conditions that caused me to dissociate, and the dissociating itself.
It is during this time of Recovery and Reflection that I look at that new perspective. What is my new perspective you may ask.
Well, for many years now I have understood- on the surface- the affects dissociating has had on my life. I knew it had interfered with my schooling, relationships, jobs, the way I saw myself, the world and the way I interacted with it.
With my new perspective I see all the above but at a much deeper level. What I mean is that until now I had understood how my condition, and that circumstances that caused me to dissociate, have affected me, personally, but now I understand and see a much bigger picture how it has affected my life. I “knew” it had affected my life, but until I was ready I could not “fully understand and take in how it affected my life.”
You may ask..”What the hell is she talking about?” I will try to explain.
We can “know” something, and we can “understand” something. Here is an example. Someone can tell us – "know"-the ingredients that make up a cake, but until we see what the ingredients are and see them put together and bake, we do not “understand”- what makes up a cake and how it is made.
I now understand more fully how this condition has affected my life. I wanted to be a doctor, a nurse, a teacher. But I believed it when I was told- for many years- that I was dumb and stupid. I had very hard time learning because I would switch and not remember the previous days school lessons.
I now “understand “how this condition affected my life because I now remember and can see how my switching affected my relationships, jobs, interactions with the world etc. Along with these understandings comes the realization of loss! Loss of what could have been, loss of potential, loss of myself to survive. And along with these realizations come grief.
I am able to look at all of this because of all the work I have down in my healing journey. As many of you know, therapy is like peeling an onion, we start on the outside and work in, because if we cut right through the onion to the core of it- it stings too much and we have to close our eyes because it gets to painful. If we cut right through to the core of why we are in therapy- it to will become too painful and we could not deal with it.
I am getting to the very core of my onion, the time in the hospital was a very gut wrenching time and it still amazes me that one can hurt so much and survive. It was an extremely painful time but it was also a much needed journey if I am to move forward in my healing journey.
I have spent many, many years finding my parts and aspects of myself. I look at it like collecting the ingredients to a cake. Aspects of myself are the dried ingredients, some are the wet ingredients, when I have them all I will gently mix them together and bake them so that they become a whole.
I wish you all well on your journey. It may be hard and painful at times, but it is worth it.
Cheers and be well