There is No Perfect Offering

There is No Perfect Offering

Thursday, 29 March 2012

I Have Sent My Baby Off Into Cyber Space…



 I have now put my baby together and sent her out into cyber space with the faith that it will end up where it is supposed to be…it’s an interesting feeling, this feeling of accomplishment, and completion and sending it off. Now all I can do is wait and see if it is accepted for their publication…

 I am now sitting at my local coffee shop and slowly recovering from the writing experience and enjoying a much deserved coffee.  It has been a very interesting experience writing the piece to send to the magazine.  I have come to the conclusion that it is much easier to write a research piece then it is to write about one’s life, especially when you only have 1500-1800—words. When I first started working on the piece I found out that it’s much easier for me to stand up in front of a group and talk about this condition and how it has affected my life, then to write it. I found out that I have a lot to say and many words of wisdom around this subject, so the pieces that did not go into the article I have put aside and they will go in another article or my memoirs.

It has been a week of wonderful discoveries for me.  I mentioned in the last blog the challenge of trying to find one voice for this article, as there are so many aspects of me that want to speak and they all have their reasons, and they are  all very good reasons.  While this has a challenge we also discovered some wondrous things….

I  discovered that when I  write I do not need to dissociate!!

I have two friends who are artists. One works with paints and sculptors, another works with stained glass. I have watched them as they do their work, and what has fascinated me is how they can leave their work for the day, or go for a coffee and then come back later and continue. They seem to do it seamlessly and I always marveled at this skill, and I must admit I was somewhat envious. It was amazing to me..

I have discovered this last week I am able to do this. It was amazing to me to be able to write a few paragraphs, go do something else, come back a few hours later and  be able to continue on. What I mean by this is that when I came back to my writing I did not have to start at the very beginning of the article, read it through to try to get the thread or theme and then continue on. 

To say I am elated is an understatement.  On the outside I am walking around with a big grin on my face, on the inside we are doing the ‘hot dam we can do it’ dance!

This time last year I was taking a writing course up at the local college and I did not need to dissociate as much, by this time I had been working on having a co-existence within myself. So the writer would be beside me, working with me as opposing to taking over. However whenever we went back to work on a piece I had to reacquaint myself with what I had written as I would often forget a good portion of what I had written, so I need to get reacquainted with my writing…this was better than before and I was ok with that- what choice did I have…

There were many times I e-mailed my instructor to ask him what the assignment was or to get clarification (this was set up ahead of time as an academic accommodation to help me succeed)-I needed to do this because even though “I” was at class, I had dissociated sometime during that class and could not retrieve what was talked about. I look back now and realize how much energy it took to take and succeed in that class. 

Another thing that was different was that I did not have the feeling of “panic” that I needed to get it all done now. In the past I would have to dissociate to get the writer to come out, and I never had any idea how long the writer would be out so I had to get as much done as I could, because I never knew when she would retreat back into my subconscious where  I would have no conscious access to her. Once she retreated I had no idea when she would be out again. So, in the past I would continue to write, usually all in one sitting then  get ready for bed with every intention to continue in the morning, only to wake up and totally forget I had written anything. 

As you can see this would cause havoc with my classes, and my life.

This last week it was amazing to me that I could wake up in the morning and often have thoughts or ideas for the article, or what direction to take it. This is truly amazing to me, this connection, this thread of thoughts that I have access to anytime during the day and night. I cannot describe the feeling of wonder and awe and elation with being able to do this. All I can say is WOW!!

Needless to say it was so much easier for me and less stressful to write this article. I did have a few moments or blips where some of my “inside folks” panicked a bit and thought we had to do it all now, but I reassured them we no longer need to do that and that we will have access to the ideas and thoughts if we take a break or go to bed. It was a learning experience for them also.

This past week I have learned how far I have come, it makes me wonder what possibilities for my writing lie ahead, let alone what potential and possibilities lie with in me. This truly is a magical place I never thought I would be.

Those are my thoughts for today-keep your pencil sharp.

Cheers and be well

Suzy





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