Those of you who read my blog – (which I am very grateful for) - will know that while my town has been covered in a fog bank, I have been visited by my own personal fog bank. I have been working on sitting with it and being open to discoveries, I have been surprised by what I learned.
As I said in my last blog, feeling proud brought me anxiety and shame. I have been listening to where that comes from and working on that. Once I acknowledged these emotions and came to understand where they came from I was able to put those “cognitive errors” to rest. And once I did that I was amazed at what I created space for.
Getting rid of the old opens space for anew.
Since my Outward Bound course I have noticed a change coming. I came back a different person, a much more whole, wiser, confident and inspired person. As with any change there is an adjustment period. I could feel this happening and then I started to wonder about my writing, my life, and all those types of life questions. I wondered why they were coming up, but now I know.
Until I was able to “sit in the fog and listen” and allow the issues to come up, I would be going around in circles with the anxiety and shame and that is not a fun place to be. As uncomfortable as it was to look at the issues, I’m glad I did.
Dissociative Identity Disorder is a very complex, multilevel (no pun intended) condition. What a person thinks or appears to be is often not what the reality is. Here is an example, early in my diagnoses, what my body language was saying and what I was feeling was often the complete opposite. Just like last week, my anxiety about “where is my life and writing going” really was in reality, feelings of anxiety and shame I experienced when I feel proud of myself.
Now that the shame and anxiety no longer needed to protect me, I can feel proud of my accomplishments, and feel good about what I have done. With that came the clarity of moments and things I can be proud of.
It was amazing, I was sitting in my therapist office talking and then I had a vision of a rain drop- which represented one thing I should be proud of,- dropping into a crystal container, then another, then another and all these memories of things came flooding back to me. I am still in awe of that moment.
Over the last week this has continued, things will come out of the blue, it’s pretty amazing. Once I realized I no longer need to “protect” myself and I was safe, doors have just opened up.
Dissociation saved my life. I paid a lot for it, meaning I have missed out on a lot because of the dissociation. It impeded my memory, took my career, ability to work, stole my dreams of being a doctor and elementary school teacher etc.
But I have to look on the good side; it allowed my essence, writing, sense of humor, humanity etc. to be protected. It protected the real me, bundled me up in a very protective shell so that no one could break through and take away these aspects of me. It protected the very essence of who I was!
Now that I am safe, it is safe to be me, I no longer need to “protect” what I have done. I can feel proud!!
I have come a long way. I have stopped the generational cycle of abuse, I have been an amazing early childhood educator, I have overcome insurmountable odds, I am a published writer, I’m a good Mom, a good friend, and the list keeps growing!
And I hiked the Rookie Mountains during my Outward Bound course! During that course one of the many gifts I brought back from the mountains is my essence. The thing that makes me who I am, that thing that I had been looking for all my life, I always felt something was missing, and now I have it firmly in my fold and I hold it very lovingly close to me.
This Outward Bound course has changed me , I can not go back to who I was, and I don't want to.
I have created space for the anew to come up front and center and I like what I am seeing.
While I am learning to be comfortable in my new skin, I will continue to write. I may never have a best seller, or go on tour but I will write not because I want to, but because I have to, I truly believe I have a story to tell.
I will continue to advocate and educate about mental illness and give presentations, and I will continue to be the best that I can be.
Now it’s safe to see all the good I have done, now that I have recovered my essence I can allow all the positive aspects that are me to join together and I think that is a pretty powerful combination!
I know I have made a difference in the lives of children, youth and adults, and I hope to continue to do so. I hope to inspire others and let them know it can get better.
I think that’s a pretty good calling.
As the fog starts to lift, I will thank it for its gift of wisdom and understanding. The sun will break through and I will watch it shine onto the crystal container that is getting filled each day.
Those are my thoughts for the day
I wish you well on making room for anew.
cheers and be well