Dedicated to G.
Its been a very interesting week, a week full of gifts and blessings.
Last Wednesday was my birthday, but the celebrations started before then. There was one time in my life when I didn't think anyone cared, I now know different. My friends and immediate family have been amazing, and I have received much love from them all. I am blessed.
This does show me how far I have come, because, not only am I much loved, I can receive this love and caring, and this ability has enriched my life beyond measure!
Man, I have come a long way!!
It's been a long journey, its been a difficult journey, but it has been so worth it.
This year, I have been able to stay present each time I got together with friends or family for my birthday, be it for lunch, dinner, having a coffee, going for a walk etc. It is pretty amazing. I can remember each moment with these people that care for me. Not only can I remember, I didn't "shrug it off."
I look back now and realize that this "shrugging it off" was a way of protecting myself. I could care and love someone else, but I could not really receive love at the deep level I can now.
So, "what is different" I ask myself?
Well, I think its many things.
I needed to protect myself, emotionally, and I realize by doing this I protected my essence, the core of who I am. By putting up the "shrugging shield" I kept the real me safe. Another one of my many survival skills!
It took a long time to find Me. It took many tears,and hard work to slowly peel away the layers of this onion. Each time I pulled a layer off, another raw and painful aspect of my self and my life was exposed. I would work on that layer till it no longer hurt, then pulled it off to expose the next layer. This process was repeated many, many times. With each peeled layer I grew stronger.
Its been a tough journey, but as one friend told me " you have already survived it", its now a matter of processing. And it was a tough slog. I didn't know one could cry so much and not get dehydrated. I did not know that the body and every cell could hurt so much, and I couldn't even blame it on the flu.I thought the nightmares and flashbacks would never end! But they do.
I learned that I was not stupid, worthless, a useless piece of crap and ugly. I learned I was not to blame for all that happened to me, and that I definitely DID NOT deserve any of it.
And along this journey of peeling the onion, I learned who I really was, and I learned to love myself. Until I learned to love myself, I could not really accept that anyone could love me just as I am. And I learned who my real friends were!
These friends stuck with me, supported and encouraged me. As much as I know they wanted to fix it for me, they could not, so they did the next best thing, they stuck by my side! This support came in many forms, be it a cup of tea, listening, going for a walk, sending cards or e-mails, quietly sitting with me or visiting me while I was at the " St Joseph Spa and treatment center "- aka, the psych unit at the local hospital. Some quietly waited while I did my work and welcomed me with open arms once I resumed my activities.
And I had amazing professional help. They have no idea how much they have helped me in my recovery, but that's another blog.
Along this journey I noticed that the more I loved and forgave myself, and the more authentic I became, the more love and support came into my life. This continues to this day.
My relationships now have a deep, rich connection. The love touches my essence, my soul, the very core of who I am, and I am a much better and ricer person for it.
The other day I explained it like this to someone.
Before, my life and relationships were like paint tubes sitting, unopened on a cold white canvas. Each separate, on their own. Then with my work, they were slowly opened, paint started to come out onto the canvas, but they were still one dimensional, separate. The more I worked the more paint came out and now it is being turned into an amazing picture, multi-dimensional and now with multiple materials and textures. It is deep, rich, and amazing, just like my life.
Its been an amazing birthday, I have been sent, and felt love from across the country, and this afternoon I am meeting with more friends to celebrate over a coffee.
For all of you who are on your journeys- ( and lets face it, everyone is on their own journey, but not everyone realizes that)-be it the beginning, middle or end, please believe me, it is worth all the work. When the old beliefs and cognitive errors come to visit, to sabotage your work and progress, tell them to take a hike and that I have told you it can and does get better, and your life will be better and much richer for it. When you learn to love yourself, its amazing what doors start to open. Doors you didn't even know were there.
When those old beliefs and cognitive errors ask you "well who the hell is Suzy", tell them this...
I was born on Friday the 13th. My parents were told I would not survive, and if I did survive I "would be a vegetable." I guess that just shows that I have been a rebel since the second I was born! And that you have my support and energy sent your way, wherever you are in your journey.
I send you all love and support in your journey.
Those are my thoughts for today
cheers and be well