I Have Sent My Baby Off Into Cyber Space…

 I have now put my baby together and sent her out into cyber space with the faith that it will end up where it is supposed to be…it’s an interesting feeling, this feeling of accomplishment, and completion and sending it off. Now all I can do is wait and see if it is accepted for their publication…

 I am now sitting at my local coffee shop and slowly recovering from the writing experience and enjoying a much deserved coffee.  It has been a very interesting experience writing the piece to send to the magazine.  I have come to the conclusion that it is much easier to write a research piece then it is to write about one’s life, especially when you only have 1500-1800—words. When I first started working on the piece I found out that it’s much easier for me to stand up in front of a group and talk about this condition and how it has affected my life, then to write it. I found out that I have a lot to say and many words of wisdom around this subject, so the pieces that did not go into the article I have put aside and they will go in another article or my memoirs.

It has been a week of wonderful discoveries for me.  I mentioned in the last blog the challenge of trying to find one voice for this article, as there are so many aspects of me that want to speak and they all have their reasons, and they are  all very good reasons.  While this has a challenge we also discovered some wondrous things….

I  discovered that when I  write I do not need to dissociate!!

I have two friends who are artists. One works with paints and sculptors, another works with stained glass. I have watched them as they do their work, and what has fascinated me is how they can leave their work for the day, or go for a coffee and then come back later and continue. They seem to do it seamlessly and I always marveled at this skill, and I must admit I was somewhat envious. It was amazing to me..

I have discovered this last week I am able to do this. It was amazing to me to be able to write a few paragraphs, go do something else, come back a few hours later and  be able to continue on. What I mean by this is that when I came back to my writing I did not have to start at the very beginning of the article, read it through to try to get the thread or theme and then continue on. 

To say I am elated is an understatement.  On the outside I am walking around with a big grin on my face, on the inside we are doing the ‘hot dam we can do it’ dance!

This time last year I was taking a writing course up at the local college and I did not need to dissociate as much, by this time I had been working on having a co-existence within myself. So the writer would be beside me, working with me as opposing to taking over. However whenever we went back to work on a piece I had to reacquaint myself with what I had written as I would often forget a good portion of what I had written, so I need to get reacquainted with my writing…this was better than before and I was ok with that- what choice did I have…

There were many times I e-mailed my instructor to ask him what the assignment was or to get clarification (this was set up ahead of time as an academic accommodation to help me succeed)-I needed to do this because even though “I” was at class, I had dissociated sometime during that class and could not retrieve what was talked about. I look back now and realize how much energy it took to take and succeed in that class. 

Another thing that was different was that I did not have the feeling of “panic” that I needed to get it all done now. In the past I would have to dissociate to get the writer to come out, and I never had any idea how long the writer would be out so I had to get as much done as I could, because I never knew when she would retreat back into my subconscious where  I would have no conscious access to her. Once she retreated I had no idea when she would be out again. So, in the past I would continue to write, usually all in one sitting then  get ready for bed with every intention to continue in the morning, only to wake up and totally forget I had written anything. 

As you can see this would cause havoc with my classes, and my life.

This last week it was amazing to me that I could wake up in the morning and often have thoughts or ideas for the article, or what direction to take it. This is truly amazing to me, this connection, this thread of thoughts that I have access to anytime during the day and night. I cannot describe the feeling of wonder and awe and elation with being able to do this. All I can say is WOW!!

Needless to say it was so much easier for me and less stressful to write this article. I did have a few moments or blips where some of my “inside folks” panicked a bit and thought we had to do it all now, but I reassured them we no longer need to do that and that we will have access to the ideas and thoughts if we take a break or go to bed. It was a learning experience for them also.

This past week I have learned how far I have come, it makes me wonder what possibilities for my writing lie ahead, let alone what potential and possibilities lie with in me. This truly is a magical place I never thought I would be.

Those are my thoughts for today-keep your pencil sharp.

Cheers and be well

Suzy

Trying To Find “ONE” Voice…

I have been siring here pulling my hair out trying to write an article.  I have a wonderful opportunity to write an article for the magazine “Insights Into Clinical Counseling,” which is published by the B.C. Association of Clinical Counsellors. As you can imagine I am very excited about this.  Never in my wildest dream when I was first diagnoses did I ever think I would be able to do something like this..

I know I can do this, that’s what drives me nuts.  As I have said before, living with D.I.D. does tend to complicate one’s life as nothing is ever as straight forward as it might seem. There is no such thing as just going out to Dairy queen to get a Blizzard, or what colour of top would I like, or what chocolate bar am I going to get today. These are not straight forward because it’s not just “me” that makes the decision. Behind me are a whole cast of characters wanting to have their say. I have told someone it’s like having a whole daycare inside me; it’s always busy and there are many different needs and wants. To say this is a balancing act is an understatement, and as with all balancing acts, sometimes it does not take much to knock us off kilter.

I guess that’s where I am with the writing. There are many “internal” views on what direction and which way this article should go. Some who have had people tell them this condition does not exist and who were not believed as children want to get all the studies out and “prove” that it does exist. The time we were in emergency and told the doctor we had D.I.D. and he asked what that was and I told him they use to call it multiple personality disorder and he instantly pushed his chair (it had wheels) to the other side of the room like he was going to catch something or I was going to hurt him. If I was thinking straight  I would have told him it’s not contagious, but I was not in a great state of mind- that’s why I was in emergency!!- - Others want to tell about how it affects the family and the people we care about. Others want to tell about how it makes life very complicated. One wants to tell them all about the times we were hospitalized on the pshy unit because we thought we were going crazy, and because we needed a safe place to reprocess what happened to us so that we could get on with life. About how before therapy the password on my computer used to be “fuck up” because that’s what I truly felt like I was and I knew that would not forget that word. How I always thought I was stupid.   

Another wants to tell them about how it feels when we switch, how it is this all-encompassing feeling, but only one feeling, be it anger, sadness, joy etc at a time. It feels like this because behind every one of my alters , the happy ones or the very angry  “get the fuck out of my face or I will beat the crap out of you" one is a very freighted little child, and little children can only feel one emotion at a time. They can feel anger because their blocks got knocked over, or sad because of it, but they cannot feel both anger and sad at the same time. Also, these alters were developed when I was a child so they are all operating form “kid Logic”. They do not have the awareness and ability to view the world in the more complex way and adult can.  We want to tell them all that and more.,but we have 1500-1800 words…so, there also so inner resistance because we are once more going out onto the limb to tell people about this…

So as with pretty much everything I do in life- there is a challenge, but I also know I will emerge from this challenge a much wiser and competent person.

Therapy was a challenge and at times I felt like someone had reached down to the very bottom of my being and ripped my soul out and fed it to the dogs. I did not know if I could handle it and my friend told me that I had already survived it- which I did. But I needed to stay in the moment and feel the emotions and sensations from those times, now in the present to be able to lay it to rest and move on. And move on I did.

We want to tell them this and more, tell them everything we have written on this blog, …so I will be spending the next day or so processing all of this and figure out away “all” my voices, can become “one” voice. 

We will keep you tuned in on the process.

Cheers and be well

Suzy

I Am Happy To Be Just Sick

You may read the above statement and think “what the hell is she talking about”, who is happy to be sick. The fact is I am happy because I was “Just Sick”. Let me explain….

For the last three or four weeks I have been fighting the cold bug from Hell. It came to visit me and liked me so much it called all its friends and family to come stay with them. They invaded my head, sinus and lungs. They had a great time partying and would not leave until they were good and ready, no matter what I wanted. My head and lungs hurt and I was tired and slept and rested a lot. I was not able to play ringette and had to pull back from other activities. I am starting to feel better and get back into activities; I am still tired but that to will also go in time.

So, why am I happy to be just sick- well, because that’s all it was, being sick. It was caused by some germs and viruses that was it. I  could take something to help alleviate the symptoms and felt like crap, but with  sleep and rest and time it would pass.

This was not a time where I had to reprocess something form the past. I did not get discombobulated and loose chunks of time, or have horrible body memories, or feel like someone had reached down to the very soul of my being, grab it and ripped it out. I did not feel like I had tons of tiny cuts on my skin and then thrown into a vat of salt brine and sting all over. I did not have horrible flashbacks where I woke up trembling, soaked in sweat and my heart racing and not know if I was in the past or in the present. I did not need to go back down into the abyss of hell and re visit and re process  my past.

I was so tired and sick I went from the bed, to the couch to the bed and back and forth. I was too sick to read and could not watch TV for long. So, I spent a lot of time in bed and sleeping and resting. I did know where I was; I was in my home, I knew and felt I was safe. This meant that when I heard someone in the house I knew it was my husband and not some abuser from my past. Because I felt safe- which is different than knowing you are safe-  I was able to relax and allow the body to use the energy it had to healing me, instead of the body using its energy to  stay awake  and on hyper alert.

Yes, I had the cold bug from Hell, but compared to the other stuff, I will take it any time.

Those are my thoughts for the day…

Hope you all stay “bug free”

Suzy