Im Going Outward Bound Once Again- Well, Sort of

Im Going Outward Bound Once Again- Well, Sort of

Friday, 17 August 2012

Welcome To My Slogfest

According to the World English Dictionary

Slog-) to work hard; toil, to move with difficulty; plod, long exhausting work, etc. 
This last weekend I was in my clubs golf tournament, it’s a two day event. I have been going in it every year since I have been playing golf, -( I think it’s been eight years now)-some years I do well, and some years I don’t. That’s the nature of the game. This year it was like slogging through mud. I had no feel for the game, could not putt, had a hard time hitting the ball of the fairway, my short game stunk, all in all, I just could not seem to do anything. I was tired and sore and everything seemed to hurt, my knees, hips, back, I had a slight migraine and as I felt like I was slogging through the whole two days. I thought to myself.” self, this is much like therapy, you’ve  got to keep slogging through it and keep going, there is an end in sight.” It was a tough couple of days.

I have been exceptionally tired these last 4-5 weeks. Like this last weekend, I am sore much of the time, cannot focus in anything, and seem more scattered then normal for me. I am forgetting and misplacing things, could not remember what I did the day before. I would go to get something to eat, open the cupboards and am too overwhelmed with choices and can’t make a decision, so I close them and then go make a sandwich.  Its taking way more energy to do the basic things let alone golf, dragon boat, read, hold conversations etc. I have had ideas for writing, want to paint etc, but have neither the energy or the focus. These are all “red flags” for me and its moments like this that remind me why I don’t work.

As you can imagine I find this all very frustrating. I had an appointment with my therapist and as I was talking about how frustrated I was. I was also talking about applying to the Canadian Arts Council for a grant to help with funds for writing my memoir, to take writers workshops and retreats, how I want to write more articles, how I would love to have a small studio/room to have a private writing space etc…then it occurred to me, I am getting ready for my next chapter, to start taking my writing seriously and be a serious writer.

I never ever thought I would get to this stage and be able to dream this let alone do it. But to be able to get there, I need to work through the issues I am working on- stuff that put me in the hospital- take good care of myself and be patient. 

My brain is working away at processing and rewiring. I may have said it before, when I am in this stage I think of toddlers and teenagers. When they are about to hit their next developmental level often one of their main skills will regress somewhat, they will be more tired and irritable, need more sleep, become somewhat clumsy, be fine one minute then in tears or angry the next etc. It takes an enormous amount of energy for them, and this work takes an enormous amount of energy for me. One advantage I have over the toddlers and teenagers is I know what’s happening. –all be it, only once I started talking to my therapist!

So, where does this leave me? It leaves me slogging through however long it takes to get through this. It leaves me frustrated that I can’t blog as often as I want, or be as efficient in other areas in my life. It also leaves me realizing I need some down time where I spend quiet time on my own, having naps and reminding myself to eat well. It leaves me needing a walk or two through the woods and reground myself with nature once again.  It leaves me realizing what wonderful family, friends and support systems I have and I am grateful for them all.

Like my golf game this weekend, it’s a slogfest and I will get through it and appreciate the discoveries I find along the way. Yes, this weekend’s golf tournament was ” much like therapy” and by going through it you find many discoveries and treasure’s and you never know  what the next day holds.

On Sunday, the 2nd day of the tournament , I was on the 2nd to last hole, I Hit the ball and it  landed in front of the green and we all lost sight of it. I figured it had either rolled into the sand trap or off the green as it has done many times. We got up to the green and discovered I got a Hole in one on a 178 yard par 3. 

I have never had a hole in one before. 

I may not be able to see in therapy or during my many slogfest’s where the next turn will lead me. But like that golf ball, they have led me to many discoveries, treasures and “first times.” I will continue to slog through them and appreciate when the path is clear and I have clarity.

I wish you all well on your journeys through your slogfests. Don’t give up, keep going for you don’t know what  treasures await you around the next bend.

Those are my thoughts for today

Cheers and be well