Sticks and Stones….

A couple of days ago I was out grocery shopping with my son. I ran into a husband of a friend of mine. This friend also had D.I.D. and she died April of 2006. The autopsy report said it was 99% accident and she died of hypothermia.

My friend had her demons and issues but she really was a sweet person. When things got tough for her she would take off in her vehicle and take whatever over the counter  drugs she had , be it Gravol, painkillers, or  whatever medication’s she had saved up.  Her plan was to sleep, until the demons subsided, and she most likely dissociated at these times. This was one of her ways of trying to stop the pain. There were times no one knew where she was when this occurred and the police would be out looking for her. 

This may not have been the best way for her to deal with her issues, but she was trying. The last time she went missing she died. The police had been out on many occasions and knew her. The day she was found the husband goes up to that spot and one of the first things the cops tells him is “Well it’s about time she died.” No ‘sorry to hear this has happened” etc.

Now I’m not writing this to blame the cop, I understand her frustration. I’m writing this because we may never know how profound of an affect our words may have on another human being. This happened six years ago and the husband is still carrying this with him.

This person may have been a pain in the ass to the police and ambulance service, but she was also someone’s wife, mother, sister, daughter and friend. She was much more then what people saw in her times of distress. Hell, her actions frustrated me, but I also knew it was her actions and not the person the frustrated me. Also part of the frustration was with my inability to help her and stop the pain she was in.

I am sure there are times we have all been frustrated, and said things we should not have. I know I have. I’m not perfect, all I can do is try to learn from these times and be more mindful of what I am saying.

 I know how deeply words can hurt and the damage it can cause.  I heard it all growing up, how I was a piece of shit, ugly, stupid and would never amount to anything etc.  Being told this enough times I started to believe it was true. In fact, in my 40’s, my password for my computer was “Fuck Up!” I truly believed that was who I was. I now know differently.

Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones…..however when the bones are broken, the support is there. They are seen to by doctors, set and put in a cast to help heal and they are stronger at the broken places-

But Names Will Hurt Me…they hurt and scar ones psyche and being, the more this happened the more damage is done. The person often suffers in isolation and silence  and one is not made stronger at the broken places!

Words are a powerful tool. They can be used to help, heal, soothe and support, encourage and help ones soul sore. They can empower and make wonderful things happen.

They can also damage, repress and destroy ones soul.

Choose your  words wisely, I know I will try to.

Those are my thoughts- and words- for the day.

Cheers and be well

Suzy

Reality Check

This afternoon I spent a couple of hours going through old journals looking for favorite quotes. If I find a quote I like I often put them in my journal. I know it would be easier to put them in one book, but I have tried that and all that would result is a book, -actual many of them- with a few quotes in them and then I would forget I have the book to put them in, and end up putting them in my journal that I was using at the time.  I was looking for these quotes because I am starting a file on my computer so they would all be in one place.

As I was doing this a few things occurred to me.

1-      That I have written a lot and have a lot of journals

2-      That I have come a long way

3-      That I really do have many different forms of hand writing in my journals.

While I have known that I have different forms of hand writing, I guess I didn’t realize how many different forms of handwriting. I also think that now that I am more “together”- now that most if not all my parts are working together- I am able to see more of the whole picture. As opposed to the past where the parts were not working together and I could only see “bits or slices” of the past, and present.   

It was with fascination that I saw writing in my journals as block letters-where they are all capitals, very small printing, cursive script in different sizes and styles, block letters in different sizes, kid’s writing- meaning very primitive like a little kids when they first learn to write. Some printing/writing is  very tiny and neat, others big and sloppy. I have used different writing implements, pens, pencils, crayons etc… It was also interesting because a lot of what I was reading I don’t remember writing. It’s as if I was reading something for the very first time, just like when one opens a new book- an adventure and the unknown awaits you and the possibilities of discoveries are there.

I have a lot of journals. Lots of adventures and discoveries are written on those pages. Different forms/styles of art work from many different ages. I guess you can say there are many different points of view in these books. There are writings about   good times and bad times, hospital admittances on the pshy ward, life’s struggles and disappointments and great moments of growth and epiphanies.  

This morning I woke up and was feeling pretty good. For the most part I had recovered from my weekend away with the ringette team. As I had mentioned in the last post, it would take longer for my “brain energy” to recover then my muscles, and sure enough I was right. I was finally feeling back to myself and on a level plain this morning. I managed to get some errands done and did not feel exhausted after.  It is on days like this that my illness is not “up front and personal”. That could be why what I saw in my journals today was a bit of a reality check.

I do plan on writing my memoirs. My journals are full of treasures from “everyone’s point of view” and their stories are full of wisdom and can teach us much. Right now their stories may be scattered through my many journals, but like my collection of quotes, one day we will all be on the same page.

Those are my thoughts for today.

Until next time

Cheers and be well

Recovery Time...

Recovery Time…

Well, I am slowly recovering from my wonderful weekend away with my ringette team. I am sure that I, like my team mates, have become friends with our Tylenol or ibuprofen for the next day or two. I had a great time, got to know my team mate’s better and learned that they are a great bunch. And I got to know myself better as well.

Anytime I go away I have to be vigilant that I get enough rest and down time. When I am at home and get to busy or too much on my plate I will notice I get discombobulated, switch, and not be at my best. When this happens I stay home and sleep or rest until I am back on a level plain. However this is harder to do when I am away and am part of a team and have responsibilities.  That is why I have been vigilant this weekend.

Before leaving I talked with my therapist and put plans in motion. This plan was basically talking about things I need to do to help me be my best, how to get the best sleep, remember to eat before I get to hungry or cold - which can be a trigger in itself as I was hungry  and cold a big part of my childhood-  and because I am diabetic/hypoglycemic. When I get hungry and my blood sugar drops I get grumpy and don’t always make the best choices. This is normal for anyone who is diabetic/hypoglycemic, however put D.I.D. into that combination and it can make life very interesting!!! So with my plan in place off to the tournament I go.

It was a good weekend. I had never played a ringette game before and there were a few times I switched, but it was momentarily. This would show as being discombobulated as to what the score of the game was that we played a couple of hours ago. What I mean by this is not a big deal that I couldn’t remember the score but more that I couldn’t remember what game we played two hours ago. The confusion was if we played that game two hours ago or if it was the game from the morning before. Another time I got confused on the ice a couple of times, but the team took it all in stride, and I know the more I play the less this type of thing will happen. I also noticed I was being hyper vigilant and when that happens I am not always able to take in my surroundings.  I noticed by the third day I was pretty much ok.

There was also “ah ha” moments. These are epiphany, or moments of clarity. One of the biggest ones was that I was part of the team.  Now this may sound strange and you may say..”well of course she’s part of a team, she is on a team.”. I guess I could clarify it by saying I feel part of the team.

Growing up I learned not to try anything because I was not going to be any good at it and I would be put down for it. Now as an adult I know that when we all learn something new we are all on the same beginning level. An example of this is a ten year old who is an amazing artist and has a talent and has been drawing for years. Now along comes the adult who had never drawn and wants to learn. This adult may have never held a pencil in their hand, and we know they will not be as good at the ten year old. But if the adult draws a circle for the first time it will look much like the child’s circle the first time they drew it. We all start from the same point.  So when I started to skate at the age of fifty, I had the same skating ability of a five year old that put skates on for the first time.  

But growing up if you were not the best at anything you tried then you were a failure. As an adult I know that this was the adult’s issues, not mine, but as a kid I was not able to know this. I grew up believing that if I was not the best at anything then I was no good so I never tried. I guess the moral is that if you beat a dog enough times it stays down, and I had been beaten down enough times that I learned not to raise my head and try anything. So what does this have to do with this weekend…..

Well, I am captain of my dragon boat team, I am a strong paddler and when the team is paddling we are all doing the same thing.- or that’s our goal !  This is not the case in ringette or other sports. What I mean by this is that in ringette one is part of the team but we all have individual jobs to do. I have only been skating for a few years and playing ringette for just over a year.  I felt that I have to be a really strong player to be of any worth to my team. That is the mis belief I was brought up with. My psychiatrist would call this a “cognitive error”.

This weekend I learned that I don’t have to be the strongest player or skater to be a contributing member of my team. I did not get any goals, but I did get three assists. That is contributing to the team. I also learned that by just being myself, I am a contributing member of the team.   

It took me planning and extra energy to prepare going away this weekend. It took planning and extra energy to stay in the moment and function this weekend. It will take time for my muscles to recover, and probably more time for my mind energy to recover, but it was worth it. This weekend I gained some personal growth, had a great time and learned how wonderful my team mates are. I saw caring, acceptance, encouragement, compassion, understanding, support, strength, courage and integrity from my team. This once again shows me that, unlike I was taught as a child, the real world can be a wonderful place to be.  This will help me grow and I will be forever grateful. I truly am fortunate to have them in my life.

I guess that’s it for now, time for another nap.

Until next time

Cheers and be well

Suzy