It has been a busy month, lots of good stuff, and in between that good stuff , there has been struggle,lots of struggle. But I have been coping.
I am working through some heavy duty stuff, and have been able to have moments where I function pretty well. That is good news. In the past, processing what I have been working on "would have taken me out at the knees" my functioning would have been at a much lower level.
In between the struggles I have have participated in 2 ringette tournaments, given 2 school presentations, written a couple of press releases, had therapy, checked in with my family doctor, gone for walks, had tea and visits with my friends, and enjoyed the company of my family.
And battling with my computer!
To make a long story short, I received a new lap top for my birthday in November, as my old one was on its last legs and screaming at me.
The new computer had a frozen pixel, so I took it back and got an exchange, came home and within 3 days the computers video card went, took it back and exchanged it for another computer, brought that one home and within 2 days its started to randomly shut down on me. It would start up right away again, so it was not over heating. I went back to the store, told them what was happening and they told me to go home, re set it to the factory settings and see what happens. The next day the same things happened. I later took it into the store, they could not figure out what was wrong, I took it back home and the next day, yep, it happened again.
There was a bit of "difference of opinion" between the store and I on what we should do, I was pro-active, sent the store headquarters a letter and in the end the store offered to exchange it with the same kind of computer, give me my money back of get a different brand of computer.
Now, I don't know why this shipment of computers kept breaking , I don't know if it was unhappy workers at the factory or if it was a Monday morning or Friday afternoon line that made these computers. But something was not right, and it was time to change tactic, and with this, I went to another brand, and so far so good.
When something is not right, and what you are doing is no longer working, its time to change things up.This pertains to both computers and life!
As I said I have been working on some heavy duty stuff, been functioning OK, but I feel a change coming.I have noticed that it is taking more and more energy to function and do the things I was doing and enjoy.
I have seen this pattern many times and recognize it for what it is. It means a monumental amount of work needs to be done, some hard core, deep inward journeys await me, and I need to prepare for them.
These past couple of weeks I have increase my therapy sessions and touching base with my family doctor twice a week. They both know that when I am having difficulty, I increase my visits with them. This keeps them in the loop, and up to speed on how I am really doing. It gives us both a chance to talk about how best they and others can support me through this process.We work on what the issues are, and take note of how I am handling all of this. Am I dissociating at all, how are my P.T.S.D. symptoms and sleep patterns. Am I remembering to eat, forgetting to do day to day things, cutting back on my socializing etc.
I am being pro active for myself and have learned that I don't need to deal with all of this on my own.
This past week has been a struggle, and I have cut back on some activities that I enjoy, and socializing with people I care about. I hope these people realize its not about them.
I have a limited amount of energy, need to take care of myself and I am preparing for a deep inward journey.I have had many of these journeys, they are hard, painful, and I have to look at the past and process it, to have it no longer affect my present and future.
Yesterday, was an amazing sunny day. We do not get many of them in the winter, and especially this year with all the fog we have been having. I took advantage of the sunshine and went for a lovely walk down to a local beach, then up the flight of 170 or so stairs, and continued on the path that went further and steeper till I reached the end of the trail. On the way back down I stopped and enjoyed the amazing view, and took a couple of pictures of it. I noticed out over the strait a fog bank was approaching.
I continued down the trail and stairs, walked along the beach for awhile till I found a place that felt right, sat down and did a smudge. As I was doing this I could feel the fog coming in, and the temperature drop. I sat still, felt the fog as it touched my face and hands, and became one with the smudge.
When the time was right, I quietly packed up, walked along the beach, listening to the gravel speak to me as it crunched under my feet till I got to the road, then walked home in quiet contemplation.
I know there is a personal fog bank coming, I know the journey will be hard and painful and I also know that I will come out of this a much stronger and better person.
I also know, I am not alone. This inner journey may be solitary work, but I have many supports and loving people that will hold my hand, make me a cup of tea, or sit and listen as I do what I need to do. I do not yet know if this journey will happen at home, or if I will need to go into the hospital. I will make what ever is the best choice for me, and I know I have support for wherever this work happens.
I also know that the smudge will be a big part of it!
Yes, I feel a fog bank coming, but I am getting my ducks lined up, being pro active and prepared to do what I need to do to come out the other side a much stronger, happier and healthier person.I know, that right now, something is not working so its time to switch things up and do what I need to do to get back into the swing of life once again.
I will keep you posted
May all your journeys be safe.
Cheers and be well