How can You Be Tired, You’re the Youngest One Of The Group…..?

If I here this one more time I am going to scream…..

I know that the people that say this to me do not mean me any harm; I know they are not being mean to me, but I also know they do not get my illness and the daily struggles of living with this condition. Now that I write this I also realize it’s from people that don’t know me really well, or understand my condition or how it affects me.

Also, these folks did not know me at the beginning of my diagnoses. The beginning when I could hardly function and thought I was losing my mind, and could not remember what I did 2 hours ago, let alone the day before. They did not know me when every muscle in my body ached, when every night I was treated to nightmares and terrors, waking up in a sweat and trembling. They did not know me when I could not function enough to read, or write, follow a recipe or hold a conversation. A time when getting out of bed and having a shower and getting dressed was called a victory.  That seems like another life time ago and shows me how far I have come.

Tomorrow I am going with two friends over to the Vancouver Art Gallery. I am looking forward to this; it will be a long day as we have to drive down to Nanaimo to get the ferry over to the Vancouver. I feel very comfortable with these friends because they understand and accept me for who I am. I will enjoy myself with them and am looking forward to seeing the exhibitions. I will also remember the entire trip, which is like magic to me. I have had conscious linear memory for a couple of years now, but it’s still feels magical.

I am looking forward to tomorrow’s adventures, it will be a long day, but it will be fun and I’m sure I will learn a lot. I know I will be tired the next day, and I know the friends I am going with, and those that are in my life will understand why I am tired, and accept it, as they accept me, with love and understanding. I am very fortunate to have these people in my life. Yes, I have come a long way and as my psychiatrist would tell me " things are unfolding as they should."

 

Those are my thoughts for the day…

Happy adventures

Cheers and be well

Suzy

This Is Your Life...

Back in the early 1950’s there was a TV show called This Is Your Life. An unsuspecting guest would be tricked to come to a location near the studio and would be surprised to learn that they would be the featured guest of this show. They would then be brought into the studio where significant people in this person’s life would come on stage to tell the audience stories about the guest. At the end all the people would gather around the guest and the guest would receive a gift, which was always a scrapbook of memories and a 16mm projector and camera.

Last week I was talking to my son about how I had misplaced my watched. “Your Mickey Mouse watch?” was his reply. I said I never had a Mickey Mouse watch and he said, “Yes you did mom, you use to give it to the kids in the daycare to look at while you changed their diapers.” I have no recollection of any of that.

A few days later I mentioned this to my friend and she said- yes, you had a Mickey Mouse watch. So I guess I must have, but cannot recall any of this. This evening my husband and I were out having dinner for our anniversary (which I did remember)-and we got talking about coverage when you rent a car. He talked about the time I rented a car and the dealer said I had scraped one of the rims of the car. I have a very, very vague memory of that, but not why we had rented the car, what time of year it was, what kind etc. And its not like we rent a car all the time. He also talked about  a restaurant by the marina in a town we lived in, I had to ask him where the marina was, he told me, I cannot picture it and have no memory of that either.

 These are just a very few of the things I don’t remember, others do, but I don’t and yes I could write a whole book on times like this. It does impact my life, my family and friends and the people I care about.

 These are once more examples of how D.I.D. has affected my life. I can only imagine what it must have been like for my son.  When I talked to him one time for the C.B.C. radio piece I did on this disorder he told me, “Mom, I thought you lied a lot because you would say you would do one thing, like help me with my homework, or we would go to the beach etc., but it never happened so I learned  young not to trust or count on anything you said.”

 I guess you can say I am frustrated with this impaired memory. It is getting better as I now have conscious linear memory. I can now remember how I played some of the holes during my gold games, on good days I can remember all of them, on bad days I have trouble remembering them as I play them. People in my life understand this and know if I forget, it’s not because I am ignoring them or have found something more important to do, and for that I am very fortunate.

So, the last few days I have been reminded once again "This is Your Life," I just wish someone would give me a scrapbook of memories to fill in the years of blank.

Those are my thoughts for today

Happy memories

Cheers and be well

Suzy

Something I wrote on a mental health blog....more of a rant..

Something I wrote on a mental health blog....more of a rant..




Mental illness is NOT a character flaw!!!!

I have had issues with depression and anxiety and have complex PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID - formally known as multiple personality disorder). The stigma from having the depression and PTSD was bad enough but put in DID and it's a whole new ball game!

To say it has been a challenge is an understatement but I have never felt better.

One of the best days of my life was in 2003 - even though it did not feel like it at the time - when I was correctly diagnosed. I have been very fortunate to have knowledgeable, caring professionals and supportive family and friends who have traveled with me on this journey. I also know that not everyone is so fortunate.

As everyone knows, having the right diagnosis for any medical condition is a must. It allows us to understand and treat the ailment in the best way possible that allows the patient to have the best chance in having a quality life.

Having the correct diagnosis in mental health is no different!

So what's stopping people form having the correct diagnoses?
Stigma.

The stigma and belief that it's a character flaw, and if they had a mental health issue that meant they were crazy. That if they tried harder, pulled their socks up, were smarter, were not lazy, dumb or stupid the issue would go away. It doesn't; I know this from personal experience.

My illness became so debilitating I could no longer work. Our family lost our home and were very close to being homeless. My husband's pension was $50 more than we would get on social assistance and worse, none of us knew what was wrong with me. I knew I had issues with my past, the depression and anxiety and PTSD, but there was something else. I thought I was crazy. I have since learned I am far from it.

Like other medical issues, being correctly diagnosed for a mental illness - the operative word being illness - can save one's life. I'm sure it has for me. And like any "medical" issue, the correct diagnosis not only helps the person with it, but their family and friends, as they can learn more about it and how to best support their loved one.

I look back now and realize that my father had an undiagnosed mental illness, and he, as well as his wife and every one of his kids paid the price. I think of how much damage this has caused all of the family and what it has cost society in terms of health care and lost potential.

As I said, I have had knowledgeable and caring professionals and I feel very fortunate for that, as I know not everyone is this fortunate. My family and friends (for the most part) have stuck by me during the ups and downs and the times "I am not feeling myself today."

That is why I advocate and educate about mental illness and DID. I have this condition but it is not who I am. As I tell my friends at the golf course, "the quality of my golf game is not indicative to who I am as a person". Meaning I have good game and bad games, but it's not who I am. Just like I have good days and bad days, but once again it's not indicative to who I am as a person.

The people in my life know I have this condition, it is no secret.
I am captain of my dragon boat team, play golf and ringette and am working on my memoirs. I volunteer in various organizations and am a much loved member of my community. I have spent the last few years advocating and educating others about DID and mental health. I meet regularly with my family doctor’s medical/practicum students and let them know what this condition is all about and how best they can help their future patients. I have done presentations at the local high school and college. I have a blog about living successfully with DID (http://suzy-livingsucessfullywithdid.blogspot.ca/) and a Facebook page (Building Awareness About DID), and this summer I am having an article published in "Insights to Clinical Counselling" (the BC Association of Clinical Counsellors journal).

It's been a long and sometimes very painful journey, but I am thankful for it as life has never been better.
I may have a mental illness, but it does not have me, and it is not who I am, or is indicative to who I am as a person.

Cheer and be well and I wish you all well on your journeys.

Suzy

I WONDER WHAT MY BRAIN IMAGES WOULD LOOK LIKE….

When I have gone into the hospital I have often said to the staff, “I would love to have access to a MIR machine because I would love to know what my brain image would look like, I would love to see what it looks like when I come in, and what it looks like when I am ready to go home, as I feel a shift has happened and things in the brain have been busy.

The brain is an amazing thing and we still don’t know a lot about it. Sure we know more than we did 100 years ago; even 50 years ago, but we are still just scratching the surface. With the help of the MIR/CT  machines we are learning more.

We know for example that people with ADD/ADHD have less blood flow in the frontal cortex of the brain, the area that controls impulse, memory, concentration etc. And this knowledge had helped with understanding and treating of this condition.  We now know and have proof that people with ADD/ADHD are not lazy, dumb or just “don’t want to do the work.” There is a physiological difference in the brain and we can now see that.

Studies have also had DID folks and non-D.I.D-( actors) people  have had their brain scans, the non-DID people got into their roles and  pretended to be someone else and their brain image did not change However  the brain images of those with DID  showed their neuronal patters changed with the different persona. (I will post the info to the studies when I am feeling better

So where does this leave me, and others?  Hopefully with a better understanding of this condition and that it’s not something “put on, or something I am doing to get attention” It also helps me understand that there is stuff going on in my brain and this is not a character flaw. I have known that, but when I get in funks like this it reminds me that I will get through this, that I am tired because my brain is working away like crazy and there is a good reason I am tired. 

So, I am taking it easy, have pulled away from some much loved activities to take care of my mental health. It’s sad that I need to do this, but it’s what I need to do to take care of myself. It’s also a reminder that I am not “normal”, and can’t expect to be able to be like non D.I.D. people. As much as I love doing things and being part of life, I still have to be very careful of my energy output, and have to have respect for my limitations.Some days it’s easier to accept then others. I guess this is part of learning to be gentle with myself

I guess that’s it for now,

Until next time, be gentle with yourself

Cheers and be well

Suzy

Welcome To My Slogfest

According to the World English Dictionary

Slog-) to work hard; toil, to move with difficulty; plod, long exhausting work, etc. 

This last weekend I was in my clubs golf tournament, it’s a two day event. I have been going in it every year since I have been playing golf, -( I think it’s been eight years now)-some years I do well, and some years I don’t. That’s the nature of the game. This year it was like slogging through mud. I had no feel for the game, could not putt, had a hard time hitting the ball of the fairway, my short game stunk, all in all, I just could not seem to do anything. I was tired and sore and everything seemed to hurt, my knees, hips, back, I had a slight migraine and as I felt like I was slogging through the whole two days. I thought to myself.” self, this is much like therapy, you’ve  got to keep slogging through it and keep going, there is an end in sight.” It was a tough couple of days.

I have been exceptionally tired these last 4-5 weeks. Like this last weekend, I am sore much of the time, cannot focus in anything, and seem more scattered then normal for me. I am forgetting and misplacing things, could not remember what I did the day before. I would go to get something to eat, open the cupboards and am too overwhelmed with choices and can’t make a decision, so I close them and then go make a sandwich.  Its taking way more energy to do the basic things let alone golf, dragon boat, read, hold conversations etc. I have had ideas for writing, want to paint etc, but have neither the energy or the focus. These are all “red flags” for me and its moments like this that remind me why I don’t work.

As you can imagine I find this all very frustrating. I had an appointment with my therapist and as I was talking about how frustrated I was. I was also talking about applying to the Canadian Arts Council for a grant to help with funds for writing my memoir, to take writers workshops and retreats, how I want to write more articles, how I would love to have a small studio/room to have a private writing space etc…then it occurred to me, I am getting ready for my next chapter, to start taking my writing seriously and be a serious writer.

I never ever thought I would get to this stage and be able to dream this let alone do it. But to be able to get there, I need to work through the issues I am working on- stuff that put me in the hospital- take good care of myself and be patient. 

My brain is working away at processing and rewiring. I may have said it before, when I am in this stage I think of toddlers and teenagers. When they are about to hit their next developmental level often one of their main skills will regress somewhat, they will be more tired and irritable, need more sleep, become somewhat clumsy, be fine one minute then in tears or angry the next etc. It takes an enormous amount of energy for them, and this work takes an enormous amount of energy for me. One advantage I have over the toddlers and teenagers is I know what’s happening. –all be it, only once I started talking to my therapist!

So, where does this leave me? It leaves me slogging through however long it takes to get through this. It leaves me frustrated that I can’t blog as often as I want, or be as efficient in other areas in my life. It also leaves me realizing I need some down time where I spend quiet time on my own, having naps and reminding myself to eat well. It leaves me needing a walk or two through the woods and reground myself with nature once again.  It leaves me realizing what wonderful family, friends and support systems I have and I am grateful for them all.

Like my golf game this weekend, it’s a slogfest and I will get through it and appreciate the discoveries I find along the way. Yes, this weekend’s golf tournament was ” much like therapy” and by going through it you find many discoveries and treasure’s and you never know  what the next day holds.

On Sunday, the 2^nd day of the tournament , I was on the 2^nd to last hole, I Hit the ball and it  landed in front of the green and we all lost sight of it. I figured it had either rolled into the sand trap or off the green as it has done many times. We got up to the green and discovered I got a Hole in one on a 178 yard par 3. 

I have never had a hole in one before. 

I may not be able to see in therapy or during my many slogfest’s where the next turn will lead me. But like that golf ball, they have led me to many discoveries, treasures and “first times.” I will continue to slog through them and appreciate when the path is clear and I have clarity.

I wish you all well on your journeys through your slogfests. Don’t give up, keep going for you don’t know what  treasures await you around the next bend.

Those are my thoughts for today

Cheers and be well

Suzy

It Has Been Worth All The Hard Work....

I see it’s been 4-5 weeks since I have last posted. What can I say it’s been a trying and tough few weeks. 

I have worked a lot with my therapist on the issues that came up during “my discoveries”, and like my last post, I did not go it alone. As I said in my discovery post, I now know one of the first, if not the very first time I fractured into an alter state and what caused it. I have been spending time working on that and like any great journey there have been times when I found it a tough slog.

I have found it harder to keep up my normal activities like dragon boating and golf, and found that they took more out of me then they normally do. I found it harder to read, keep up conversations, and I have been forgetting to do stuff  and all the other challenges that come up when I am not fully functioning. This is no different from every other time I have had issues I had to deal with. The difference is that this one has taken me so much longer to work through.

 My therapist mentioned that it seemed to take me longer to get back into the swing of things from other times I was in the hospital. This is true. I told her that because it was one of the first times I split it reaches right back to the very core of me. 

It’s like when you hit a cymbal, you may no longer hear the sound but the vibrations resonate for a much longer time and you can feel it. This has resonated right through me and every one of my persona's. And it is also the story of my oldest persona-(meaning this one has been with me the longest) - so she has waited the longest to have her story told, and it’s a very ugly story. But the work has been worth it. 

When I finish working on issues I have more energy than I had previously, and fewer PTSD symptoms etc. It’s kind of like when your computer is overloaded and running slow and it’s got all different programs running in the background and it’s just not working as well or efficiently as it was or could. When I work on my issues, it’s like someone has come and worked on the computer, de-fragged and scanned it and put in a much more effective and efficient operating system. This frees up more RAM and space on the hard drive. It takes less effort to run the programs….I guess I am feeling like that.

This past weekend I took two writing workshops at a readers and writers’ festival.  The one on Friday was with Mark Leiren Young-“Tell Your Story”, and Nikki Tate, “Creating a Good Kid Character”. These were two amazing workshops and man what  can I say. It was an amazing experience to be in a room where each person had an amazing story to tell, and my muse was and continues to work overtime. It was also great confirmation that what I am doing is on the right track. 

It reminds me of the times when I was working with kids and I would go to an early childhood educators conference, and it would be re-affirmed that what I was doing with the kids- which I was working more intuitively then anything- was on the right track. These workshops showed me that what I am writing and the presentations I am doing are on the right track. I will never be famous or rich but I now know that yes, I am changing the world for the better one bit at a time.

There were many wonderful workshops, readings and panel discussions and I wanted to take more but I knew with my condition I needed to test the waters and not overdo it. So what does having to do all the work have to do with this?

Let me tell you…..

Taking those two workshops has got the creative juices going and I have been writing like crazy, and when I’m not writing I am thinking about things to write and composing in my head, and have had tons of ideas come up. I was so excited that on Friday night I did not get to sleep until 3:30 and had to get up at 6:30 to get myself going to get to the next morning workshop. It was and continues to be an amazing experience.

 I have never experienced anything like this before. In fact, I have to take care not to drink too much caffeine, remember to eat and ground myself. It’s like the writer in me that was squashed so many years ago has been set free and wants to do it all now. I now realize, she was not squashed, she just hid away until it was safe to come out, and she had the room to do so.

She-(I)- has the room because I have defragged and have more space on my hard drive. My system is operating more efficiently and this is indeed a wonderful feeling. Now I know what writers and other artists mean when they say ideas just come to them.  This is just so amazing. As my friend said to me today when I was telling her about the workshops and how much writing I have done and how inspired I am etc..she said..” you were ready for this.” 

Yes, I was ready and I had freed up the space to do so.

I guess that’s it for now, I’m getting tired and I still have stuff to do as my son and I are going camping tomorrow for 4 days. I am looking forward to it and imagine I will continue to write during that time. It will be nice to get away from it all- (that’s not just in my head ;)- and be away from the phone and responsibilities. I have a feeling this is going to be a much different camping trip then any I have had, and have a feeling I will be talking about it in my next blog.

I guess that’s it for now, until then

Happy defragging

Be well

Suzy