Set Backs……

For the last 6 weeks  I have been training for my Outward Bound course in September.  It is a backpacking course in the Rookies, so I have been walking around with a loaded pack and slowly increasing the weight. I am now walking 9-12 km with a 30 lb pack a few times a week. I have a route I take through the town, it involves a few hills and some inclines, as well as flat ground and at the end of each walk I finish with a 2-3 km walk through some wooded trails that runs along a creek out to the ocean. This trail also has ups and downs and stairs. I cannot walk as fast in this terrain and it is wooded and cooler, so it is a nice way to cool off and end the walk.

A couple of weeks ago I was walking through this trail and a memory surfaced from a hike way back in my youth.

I had not done any hiking as a kid but I did love nature. In grade 10, the school I was in formed a hiking club and I joined it. We had done after school hikes, and a weekend hike in the local mountains. The year-end hike was going to be doing part of the famous West Coast Trail, on the South west side of Vancouver Island. It was built in 1907 to facilitate the rescue of survivors of shipwrecks along the coast, which is part of the treacherous Graveyard of the pacific.

There were only space for 14 students to go and since this was a big club I figured I had no chance of getting picked, but I was wrong and was thrilled. We would have 3 days on the trail, walk in the 1^st day, 2^nd day we spend there and back out on the 3^rd. 

Back then, -were talking about 1975-, the pack I had was an aluminum frame with the pack and straps attached to it by a pins and “O-rings. A few hours into the first day, as I was trekking up a hill on a shaded path, through some huge pines and western cedars the O-ring that held my left shoulder strap to the frame broke. I could not believe it; I had 8 more hours of hiking to do and it was going to be a struggle. So what do I do? Do I ask for help from one of the teachers, let them know this had happened? No. I do what I had always done..put my head down and keep going, holding one side of my pack up with my left hand and keep trekking. It was not until we had a break that one of the teachers noticed what had happened and asked me “why didn’t you tell me.” He then pulls out a repair kit which consisted of a bunch of these pins and O-rings, it seems this sort of thing happened all the time. In a few minutes my shoulder strapped was once more attached to the pack and we were off.

So why didn’t I tell him? I would have loved to have told him the truth, but back then I didn’t even really know the answer. All I knew was that life had showed me to trust no one, even this teacher who understood to some extent what my life was like. I had been trained that if anything went wrong it was my fault, I was dumb, stupid, and besides, I had learned very early on, that even if I did tell, no one would do anything, or, things would get worse for me, so I learned  early on that asking for help was not an option . I know many people can relate to this. 

As I was thinking about this during my walk, I thought of the rest of that weekend and how amazing it was to be able to be there. The challenge was something I thought I could never do and the scenery was breathtaking. Standing on the west coast of Vancouver Island and realizing there is nothing between you and Japan but the Pacific Ocean really does give you a new perspective. It really was an experience of a life time.

As I was thinking of that time , I thought of how different it is  now. During my Outward Bound course I know I will have setbacks and be challenged but I also know it’s safe and  asking  for help is an option and it is  safe to do so.

While I have been doing my training this past 6 weeks, I have also been getting more and more tired. I have a problem with low iron causing anemia, thus being tired. Last October I had 3 iron infusions- via IV-and life was great. I had lots of energy, slept well and it was great. My feriton ( iron stores) were good, but over time the levels have dropped and have continue to drop. My Dr. is concerned about this and is trying to figure out why my body is not absorbing iron. My levels are down again and I talked to my Dr. about my concern that my levels will be way down again when I go on my course. before  I got my infusion last year my levels were at 6, it should be at least 50.  My Dr. agrees that I should not have to wait until my levels get that low before I get another infusion and we have been keeping an eye on the level and he said because my levels keep dropping he will get me a top up before I go on the course. 

Three  weeks ago, I saw my Dr. signed the papers for the infusion and waited for the call. Two weeks later I phone the hospital and they have not gotten the request, so I phone the Dr’s office, he is away for a week, I talk to the Locum, he faxes the papers and I get a call the next day and the times are set up. I was really looking forward to feeling better. The day before the procedure, the hospital phones and the pharmacist at the hospital has cancelled it. The hospital phoned the Locum, he phoned me and says that I need to wait until my own Dr comes back to talk to him. Needless to say I was not a happy camper, I was mad as hell and sure as not, some of the old thoughts and beliefs and triggers came back.

To make a long story short, I saw my Dr. on Tuesday, he was not told of any of this, and had no idea why it was cancelled. I told him what happened and I had my blood work done a couple of days before. My feriton level has gone from 34, four weeks ago, to 18, two days ago. He said he will talk to the hospital and see what the issue is and will send off the required papers again, and yesterday I got a call to reschedule the infusions. Hopefully it will happen and I will be feeling better.

Sure I was mad, pissed off, upset that the infusions were cancelled, and especially as no one was really explaining to me what the reason was. I was so looking forward to getting this done and feeling better and being able to once again enjoy the things I do. I have worked very hard over the last ten years on my therapy and issues, I have not gone to drugs or alcohol to try to hide from them, I have met them head on and worked unbelievably hard, to get the supports I have and to get where I am now. At a place where I meet with my therapist once a month to touch base and work on any issues that may have come up. 

So yes, I was pissed off that someone would deny me my chance to feel better to get on with my life. Then I noticed the old though patterns and triggers kick in, but that is progress because I noticed them, and I did not dissociate I was able to “get back on track” in the present. To remind myself, this is a trigger from all the broken promises as a kid, that I can trust my Dr.  etc.

But, unlike when I was on the West Coast trail, I knew I was safe to ask for help. I knew I would be seeing my Dr. in a few days, and I could talk to him about it and I knew that he would advocate for me and do what he can. I have a great friend who asked me over for tea and let me talk about how pissed off and upset I was and she totally understood why, and understood why it would be a trigger for me. It took a couple of days for me to relax, but I did relax, did not dissociate and that is a huge thing. I allowed myself to be mad, and upset, and I was ok with that. Pushing emotions down does no one any good. 

And, when I saw my Dr. on Tuesday I let him know what’s going on and he did his job. My Dr., therapist, friends, family and support systems are my version of the West coast trail, they are there to help facilitate this survivor during my travel and I do not have to do it alone!  However, unlike during that hike, I know I can ask for help, it is safe, often wise and no one will think less of me because of it. 

Like those sailors who survived because the trail was there, I am very grateful to my supports and I know help is there. 

I am looking forward to going “Outward Bound “even though I am nervous I know I will be safe, and help is there if I need it. That in itself is life changing.

Those are my thoughts for today.

May you all have safe travels.

Cheers and be well

Suzy

The Right Equipment….

I am going on an Outward Bound Canada course in September.  “What is the Women of Courage Course? The Women of Courage course is an exciting, 8-day wilderness program created for women who are involved in the process of healing that follows the self-acknowledgement of an experience of abuse.”

I have been on a W.O.C. course in Ontario in 2005 and it was amazing. This one is happening in the Rocky Mountains beside Banff national park. It is an 8 day wilderness backpacking course. I have not done any serious backpacking since I was 16 years old and I was 100 lbs lighter, so needless to say, this is going to be a challenge in more ways then one.

Yesterday I went down to Victoria to get a pair of good backpacking boats. I got them and am in the process of breaking them in. On the way back from Victoria I was thinking how nice it is to get a very good quality boot for my course, and how nice it is to have the right boots, and not have to settle with “good enough” ones that would not do the job. I then started thinking about how important it is to have the “right tools for the job”, be it work or play. Then I started to think how this is also important in mental health matters.

People with Dissociative Identity Disorder are,on average, in the mental health system   for 7-12 years before being correctly diagnosed. That’s a lot of time spent with the “good enough.” In my case, nothing seemed to work for long, because there was no correct diagnosis, no one knew what the matter was. It was not until May of 2003 that I was correctly diagnosed, and once that happened I had the right tools to help me and my journey began. I was being offered the right tools, to learn the right skills, to have the right support to help me get to where I am today. I don’t need to tell you how this has made all the difference in the world to me and my family.

I have spent the last week preparing for my course in September. I have been walking around the area with a back pack with 20 pounds of gear in it. The first time I put the pack on I could not believe how heavy it was, I have to work up to 45 pounds. The next day it was a little easier and I slowly increased the distance. 

Yesterday I got my new boots and last night I went for a walk with them, pack and all. Oh my, does it ever make a difference, these are great boots, great grip and amazing support and very, very comfortable. In fact, after the 4.6km walk this morning and 5 km walk this evening I can honestly say that my feet were the only comfortable part of my body. 

These boots are going to play a very important supporting role on my course. They will be supporting my feet, which will be supporting my body as I carry a 45+ pound pack over hill and dell and who knows where. Like the supports I have for my mental health, these boots will carry me along this 8 day journey of discovery. And like my mental health journey it will take time, time  to build up my stamina and strength to carry 45 pounds for a great distance, this will take time, and I’m sure I will get frustrated, have moments where I think I cant make it and give up, but like my mental health journey, I will make it.

I look over at my boots and I think how far I have come. There was a time I was lucky if I could step out of the house, let alone go on an 8 day wilderness trip. Like back then, all I could do was put one foot in front of the other, not knowing where it was going to lead. But unlike back then, I dissociate less and less and I am looking forward to staying in the present during this course and being able to remember all of it. That is a gift.

I am excited, I am nervous; I have some trepidation and wonder what the Hell I have gotten myself into. But I will do it none the less.

As I prepare for this Outward Bound course I wish you all the best on your journey, be it physical or mentally. Be it taking on something big, or trying to make it to the next day, let alone the next hour. No matter what your journey is, I hope you have the right equipment to help along the way. Be it big or small they all have something in common, they all start with the first step!

Those are my thoughts for today and I wish you well on your journey.

Cheers and be well

Suzy

PS- here is a link to the Outward Bound Canada program

http://www.outwardbound.ca/results.asp?CourseRID=245

Planting Seeds....

A few weeks ago, when it was a nice, warm sunny spring day, I planted some sunflower seeds in my garden. I have been planting these flowers in the garden for about 6 years now. The 1^st year I planted them as a bit of a border/fence between the back of my garden and the road, to give me a bit of privacy when I am out in my back yard. It was a lovely crop of sunflowers and I would watch as the bees visited and had trouble flying away because their pollen sacks on their legs were so full. 

Across the road is a complex for seniors. These folks told me numerous times that they very much enjoyed the sunflowers. One day my husband was outside and a women walking by and said..” thank-you for the sunflowers, I pass them every day on my walk and they always make me smile.” The next spring I was working in my garden and the folks in the senior’s complex were coming up and asking me if I was going to plant sunflowers again this year. The tradition had started.

I worked and prepared my garden a week before planting the seeds. I rototilled the dirt, leveled it and pulled out the weeds. I put zinc stripping around the edge to help keep the slugs away, and on a warm sunny day I planted the seeds. As I was taking the seeds out of the package it still amazed me that these dried shriveled things were actually going to become a plant. As I was putting them in the ground I kept thinking to myself, “these are never going to come up, there’s nothing to them.” But my rational brain kicked in and reminded me I say this every year. It still amazes me when they come up and I am still somewhat surprised.

After planting I watered them and wondered how they would do. It has rained pretty much every day since, so I have not had to water them.  I go and check them every day to see how they are doing and low and behold they are coming up. I am still amazed, that some dried thing I put in the ground and watered is poking their little green sprouts through the dirt that is now their home.

As I was looking at them today I was thinking about the kids I will be talking to tomorrow at one of the High schools here.

I will be talking to the grade 11/12 psychology class about living with Dissociative Identity Disorder, what it really is, and how it affects me and my family.  I will help de-stigmatize this condition and create dialogue around this and other mental health issues. I will encourage them to ask questions, and they always ask great ones.

 I enjoy these presentations and the class seems to also. Last semester, after a visit from a soldier who talked about P.T.S.D., a therapist talking about self-harm, and my presentation, 3 students in that class went and sought help. I hope by telling them that having a mental illness is not a character flaw, that there is no weakness in seeking help, and that 1 in 4 youths will have a mental health issue, they see that they are not alone. I will also tell them, as I told the last group, that there is a gem inside them and when the time is right the light will shine and they will grow.

I was thinking of this when I looked at those little seed heads poking through the ground. I then thought of all the kids I had worked with over the years as an early childhood educator. I worked with many, many challenging children, children from dysfunctional, chaotic and sometimes abusive and neglectful homes. I could not change their home life, but for the time they were in my care I could keep them safe, let them know they are worthy and that I believed in them. I hope they have been able to carry that with them.

I then started thinking of the people in my childhood who were safe and let me know they thought I was worthy. These people could not change my home situation, but they did make a difference in my life, if even for a small amount of time. And, growing up I held onto that with a fierce tenacity, like a terrier with a bone and I would let no one take that away with me.

I then thought how working to prepare the garden for the sunflower seeds was much like my therapy. 

When I got into therapy, it was much like a rototiller going through my life and turning it over and bringing things up to the surface to see the light of day, often for the first time.  As issues came up-(weeds)- I would work through them and get to their roots, some were deeper than others  and pulled them out. In time light was hitting the original surface and the real me (seeds) could start to sprout. With support, and self-care I have been able to grow to who I am now.

I know I can’t change the home life of the students I talk to. I do hope that I shed light on what D.I.D. really is, that having a mental illness is not a character flaw, and it is never a weakness to seek help for anything.  I hope I help create an environment in which they will become more comfortable talking about mental health issues.  I hope I give them hope and that I plant some seeds in them, so when the time and circumstances are right they will sprout and grow into a beautiful wondrous thing. 

Those are my thoughts for today

Happy planting

Cheers and be well

Suzy

It's All In The perspective....

A couple of weeks ago I went and gave a presentation to a girls youth group at my old high school. The members of this group have challenges with drugs/alcohol and are trying to cut down or abstain from it all together.  Along with that they have the challenges of being a teenager and all the issues and conflicts that go along with it, and I imagine they have issues and challenges that I am not even aware of. 

I had graduated from that school 35 years ago and it was a little surreal being there again. Who would have known that 35 years later, I would be talking to kids the age I was, and letting them know there can be a future. 

As I drove up the long driveway to the parking lot I noticed that the bushes on the left hand side were much larger now. I use to sit behind them when I skipped class.

 As I waited in the office for one of the class facilitators I was amazed at how much smaller the office was. Sure it was arranged differently but I swear when I was a student  it was much bigger than that. As I sat and waited I even studied the construction of the walls to see if it had been changed, it had not. I looked out into the hall where the pay phone use to be and of course it’s no longer there.

One of the group facilitators met me and we walked to the room where I was meeting everyone. As I walked down the halls I noticed they looked and felt smaller and when we walked past the cafeteria I swear it was half the size. The library was in a different section of the school, the lockers looked smaller, and the students looked so much younger.

I met the group and the other facilitator, they were all very welcoming. The young women were all bright, articulate, smart and of course beautiful. They were very open and asked wonderful questions. 

I explained to the group about my D.I.D., that it was a very creative defense mechanism and that in some way it was my way of “numbing” from the world and my reality. I talked about starting to drink at the age of 12 to help numb and deal with what was then my life. 

I told them the same thing that some instructors at the hospital psychiatric adult day therapy program told me when I was talking their program. That I need not be ashamed of the way I had been coping with my life. It may not have been the most effective or healthy way but it was the only tools I had to deal with life, and most importantly it kept me alive.  What they could do was give me a new tool box and new coping tools that were more effective, healthier and could lead to a brighter future. 

I also told them that if they had friends or family members with substance abuse issues, that it was not their fault. They were also not responsible for the actions of these very same people. I gave them examples of how as a kid I believed if I did or said the right thing then my father would not drink and there would be no violence, lack of food or heating. For years I carried around the guilt that it was my responsibility. I now know different.  

I told them that having a mental health issue is not a character flaw, and is not indicative to who you are as a person. 

I talked about how my D.I.D. affects my family, friends and especially my sons childhood years and how any mental health issue affects the whole family.

There was much more I talked about and the great questions they had. I wanted them to know that there is hope, there is help, and there is a tomorrow, no matter how dark the present moment may feel.

I told them that each of us is born with a sparkling, beautiful gem inside us. If we are fortunate to be raised in an environment where that gem is treasured and cherished, or even just acknowledged, we will shine at a very young age and grow and be part of the world and see all the possibilities before us.

Sometimes because of life situations we do not see that gem, or even know it is there. But no matter what happens it is there. People may dump their issues, shame and guilt upon us and we will carry it around, and that gem may be covered up, but it is still there. It’s always been there, and it will always be there. Some of us may take longer to find it- it took me 45 years-but it is there. And when the time is right, it will break through and its energy and brilliance will shine for all to see.

 I then gave each of them a small glass crystal to represent the gem in each of them, to remind them that it is there and when the time is right it will show. 

After the presentation it was the lunch break. A friend- who is a teacher at that school- met me and took me to lunch in the staff cafeteria. I remember this room being much larger then it was. My friend showed me her classroom and we went and found my grad class photo on the wall by the office. It was good to see her again and catch up and I enjoyed our time together.

It was an amazing couple of hours and I spent the next week or so processing my time there, past and present. Who would have known what a gift it was for me to be there again?

When I was attending that school, I was a terrified 17 year old who did not know if I was going to make it through the next day, let alone even think about a future or my school work, I was just trying to survive. Everything was so big, the class rooms, the office, my terror and fear , life was just overwhelming.

Now that I am older, much older you might say, the office, class rooms and the whole school is smaller. But in reality, the school has not changed, I have. I now, as an adult, am able to see the school for what it really is. As this came to mind, I thought about my therapy and the issues I have worked on. 

When I first started therapy I was terrified to look at my issues, but with help and guidance, and a hell of a lot of hard work, I have been able to look at and work through them. And, now, I am able to see them for what they are, and they hold much less power over me. Some issues are no longer bothering me, and some may pop up now and then, but I have support and can deal with them. 

My past will always be my past, that will not change. What has changed is the way I deal with my past, and the fact that I now see it as part of my life, not my entire life. It is not who I am any more then my illness is who I am, it is part of me, but not all of me. I can say I see it in a much different perspective then when I was going to that high school. 

 

I enjoyed talking to the group and I'd  love to do it again. I like to think that the students now realize they are not alone, that there is help available and there is no shame in seeking help. I hope I have been able to give some of them a new perspective on what their life can be like and that it will not always be like it is now. 

I hope I gave them hope, because hope is a very powerful thing.

I will leave you with the following quote, and I wish you all well in finding your gem.

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new lands but seeing with new eyes."
—Marcel Proust

Those are my thoughts for the day

Cheers and be well

Suzy