The last couple of weeks I have been working on being able to feel the "Happy Anticipation" of the season. I love the Christmas Season, the magic and wonder of it all. I also have great anxiety come up this time of the year.
Growing up, there was never a good Christmas. It would always start the same, with a promise of "this year its going to be different". But with the drinking and violence it always ended up in violence and tears. So, each year I would be in hyper alert mode that looked very much like high energy but in reality I was spinning like a top and wound as tight as a spring.
I also found it hard because I was reminded of what I didn't have, and still don't have. I do not have a big happy family of origin, or all the other stuff that society and TV/advertisers tell us the season is all about. I do not have "wonderful childhood memories that warm the heart."
Christmas day was very hard for me and at times, it was a very difficult day and I felt very alone, even if I was with people who loved me. To try to keep these feelings away I would dissociate or be in a very hyper alert stage that must have looked like manic behavior.
Thankfully through therapy I have been working on these issues. I am for the most part, able to stay present and in the moment, but I am also aware that I am more likely to get triggered and stressed this time of the year. I also tend to have "spikes" where my anxiety peeks and I become anxious and go into hyper alert mode. However, unlike the past I am able to notice- for the most part- when I do this and am able to notice this and do what I need to do to ground myself and remind myself I am in the present and we are safe and not dissociate.
This year I have much to be thankful for. I have been able to start and keep healthy family traditions that my son and I look forward to. I am able to feel the love of those that care for me, weather they be here, or somewhere else. I have a wonderful husband who has supported me and helped more then he will ever know. I have a son I am very proud of as he has grown into a very fine young man. I have a wonderful circle of friends who love me just the way I am. I have my health, a wonderful support circle and am very happy with my life and who I am. I look forward to the future, something I never thought I would feel, let alone have.
For those of you who are struggling with this time of year. Hang in there, it will be finished soon. Hang in there as it can get better. You may feel alone, but I want all of you to know that you are not alone. Life can be good, this season can be good, the world can be good.
I wish you all a very Merry Christmas, or what ever holiday you celebrate this time of year. May you all find Peace, Love, and Contentment in your corner of the world this season and always. I want to thank you all for being in my life, be it in real life or on line.
I will be thinking of you all and sending out loving metta-( multi-significant term meaning loving-kindness, friendliness, goodwill,
benevolence, fellowship, amity, concord, inoffensiveness and
non-violence. The Pali commentators define metta as the strong wish for
the welfare and happiness of others)
May you all be protected from inner and outer harm
May you all be peaceful of heart and mind
May you all be healthy of mind and body
May you all have peace attain the path you walk
May you all have an ocean of compassion for your suffering
May you live your life joyfully
That is my wish for this season and always.
Cheers and be well