R & R……
Usually R&R stands for rest and relaxation. But for me
it is recovery and reflection…
A few days after my last post I did go into the “St Joseph
Spa and Treatment center”- known as the local hospital pshy unit, I needed a
very contained space in which would allow me to process past events. It was very hard work and when my work was
done I posted the following on my face book...
“I am in the R&R
stage..Recovery and Reflection on this epic journey of mine, it’s been a huge
journey physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. One cannot go
through what I have just gone through and not be changed...it will change me
for the better or the worse- I choose the better.....I am a more whole and
better person, thank you to everyone who has helped me with this journey.....”
The staff were wonderful and very
supportive and I came home a week ago today.
Last week I cancelled all my
appointments and am taking it easy and am very slowly moving back into life. Each
day gets a bit better. I still have moments throughout the day where I get what
I call the “prickly fuzzies”, which I describe as a shiver traveling through my
body, and it’s more just under the skin as opposed to traveling along the top
of the skin. I still get some blurred vision, tremble and shake some but it is
much better then when I was in the hospital, and it’s only bits of the day and not
painful like it was when I was in the hospital. I do have some moments of “being
in a funk” which I will keep an eye on, as I have suffered from depression in
the past. As I did some journaling this afternoon it occurred to me this funk,
like the above symptoms have been temporary.
As in every time I visit “The Spa”
I come out with a little bit of myself that was lost so long ago, thus a more
whole person. And, as always I have a new perspective of the effects of the
conditions that caused me to dissociate, and the dissociating itself.
It is during this time of
Recovery and Reflection that I look at that new perspective. What is my new
perspective you may ask.
Well, for many years now I have understood- on the
surface- the affects dissociating has had on my life. I knew it had interfered
with my schooling, relationships, jobs, the way I saw myself, the world and the
way I interacted with it.
With my new perspective I see all
the above but at a much deeper level. What I mean is that until now I had
understood how my condition, and that circumstances that caused me to dissociate,
have affected me, personally, but now I understand and see a much bigger picture
how it has affected my life. I “knew” it had affected my life, but until I was
ready I could not “fully understand and take in how it affected my life.”
You may ask..”What the hell is
she talking about?” I will try to
explain.
We can “know” something, and we
can “understand” something. Here is an example. Someone can tell us – "know"-the ingredients
that make up a cake, but until we see what the ingredients are and see them put
together and bake, we do not “understand”- what makes up a cake and how it is
made.
I now understand more fully how
this condition has affected my life. I wanted to be a doctor, a nurse, a
teacher. But I believed it when I was told- for many years- that I was dumb and
stupid. I had very hard time learning because I would switch and not remember
the previous days school lessons.
I now “understand “how this condition
affected my life because I now remember and can see how my switching affected
my relationships, jobs, interactions with the world etc. Along with these understandings comes the
realization of loss! Loss of what could have been, loss of potential, loss of
myself to survive. And along with these
realizations come grief.
I am able to look at all of this
because of all the work I have down in my healing journey. As many of you know, therapy is like peeling
an onion, we start on the outside and work in, because if we cut right through
the onion to the core of it- it stings too much and we have to close our eyes
because it gets to painful. If we cut
right through to the core of why we are in therapy- it to will become too
painful and we could not deal with it.
I am getting to the very core of
my onion, the time in the hospital was a very gut wrenching time and it still
amazes me that one can hurt so much and survive. It was an extremely painful
time but it was also a much needed journey if I am to move forward
in my healing journey.
I have spent many, many years
finding my parts and aspects of myself. I
look at it like collecting the ingredients to a cake. Aspects of myself are the
dried ingredients, some are the wet ingredients, when I have them all I will
gently mix them together and bake them so that they become a whole.
I wish you all well on your journey.
It may be hard and painful at times, but it is worth it.
Until then
Happy Baking.
Cheers and be well
Suzy
