Rattling Around Inside Myself...

Rattling Around Inside Myself…..

On Monday it will be 3 weeks since I got out of the hospital, but it seems much longer then that. I have also noticed that this time round, it seems to be taking me longer to bounce back to my normal self and get back into the swing of things. I thought maybe it was just me thinking this, but my friends have also noticed I am not back to myself and have mentioned that I seem to be “a little rough around the edges.”  I have been wondering what’s going on and have been working with my therapist on this.

On the way into therapy the other day it came to me that I feel like I am rattling around inside myself.

 What I mean by this is that their seems to be a part –or parts of me – that no longer fit, or not that they don’t fit but, maybe they are now loose as they are no longer locked into another place or  time.

Each time I do a hospital visit I recover a lost piece of myself.  During this last hospital visit, I visited a time which was one of the first, if not the first time I fractured, and I have recovered that part.  This part is no longer covered up, pushed down, or stuck in another time or place.  Each time a part of me is recovered they may feel a bit lost and bewildered to find themselves in a new world, with new rules.

 I am thinking that this new part has come home but has yet to find a place where she fits in or feels comfortable. She is like a stranger in a strange land and is rattling around inside of me. As I thought of this the other day, I thought of a stained glass piece I am doing.

I had signed up for classes in January and I am almost finished my project. I have cut the glass, sanded the edges so that they are no longer sharp, and I have foiled all the pieces. Most of them fit nicely together but there is a small piece or two that are somewhat loose and rattle around a bit. I had not yet decided if I was going to cut a couple of new pieces to replace the loose ones.

I went to therapy and talked about feeling like I was rattling around in myself, like the glass in my stained glass piece. We came to the conclusion that, this piece may be rattling around inside of me for a long time to come.

When one has a great lose, it affects us for a long time. Our world may no longer make sense, and we may feel lost and alone. We may feel like life has cut a hole in our heart, our soul and in our life. This is how I felt during the incident that caused my first fracture, and that  little, lost part of myself continued to carry those feelings around all these years.

I can’t take away what happened to me, anymore then I can take away losses my friends and loved ones have experienced.  And I will always feel the loss of what should have been. What I can do is give myself what I give my friends and family when they experience a loss. I can give them love, support, understanding, compassion, a hand to hold, an ear to listen and a good cup of tea.  And, maybe, maybe with all that, in time, the loss will become a little dull around the edges and the hole in the heart, soul and life may become a little smaller.

This afternoon I had my stained glass class. I have decided to keep the small, rattling pieces in the project. This is to honor the newest part of me, and all the other lost parts that have come home. As I soldered the pieces in place I thought of the newest member. I can’t change what happened to her, but I can love her, and maybe like the solder that fills the holes and holds the whole stained glass project together, life will lovingly hold her and make her stronger and she will no longer be rattling around or scared. 

Next week I will finish this project and start a new one, and I know in the next couple of weeks,with work,  I, like the cut pieces of glass, will be smoothed around the edges and become stronger.

Those are may thoughts for today and may you stay strong

cheers and be well

Suzy