Growth and Change.....

Well, I knew it was some time since my last blog post, but I did not realize it has almost been two months. It has been an interesting time, it has been a challenging time, it has once again been a time of growth. And, as I have learned, growth does not come easily.

In my last blog post I spoke about going to the congress in Kelowna. I was sent by F.O.R.C.E. http://www.forcesociety.com/  and it, like the organization was amazing! Do look at their website for some amazing mental health resources.

It was unreal to be sitting in a room with 300 other people who felt like I do, that we need to start talking about mental illness, to bring it out of the shadows and into the spot light. As I had not been to a congress/conference in 18 years it was  a great workout for my brain, and there was a couple of times that I wondered what I was doing there, -( which means self-doubt)- but they went away quickly. I met some amazing people, learned lots, and am inspired to carry on what I am doing.

The rest of October was busy, and things seemed to take more energy. Nothing spectacular happened, just life, family issues, commitments etc. As I said before, I am learning to deal with the day to day things. Sometimes its fine, sometimes it’s really hard, and sometimes I feel like I am walking through mud. Sometimes I can feel all the above on the same day!!!

As I look at my calendar, I see I had also seen the dentist. The last time I had been to the dentist was 20 years ago. So, as you can imagine, going to the dentist it a huge issue for me, and not a good issue.  But I was very proactive, and things worked out, and after one glitch, it all went well.

Then my shoulder started acting up. I have Bicep tendentious, and rotator cuff issues. I have had issues with this before, in both shoulders, but this time round it was unbearable, I could not believe how much pain I was in. I did go to see my Dr. and he ordered an x-ray and an ultra sound. Two days later I was back in his office to get something for the pain as it was so bad I could hardly breathe, and nothing I was taking or doing was helping. So, with some prescription pain killers, rest and Physiotherapy, it has settled down some. I still have to be careful and not overdo it. I can play Ringette now, but I still cannot paddle in the dragon boat. The dragon boat team is now done for the season, and we start up again in the spring, so we will see how the shoulders are doing then.

The month of November rolls around, and I am glad to say this month has not been as busy. Being my birthday month, I have been spoiled by family and friends. It’s been great, I am now 55, and some days I am amazed I have made it this far. I am grateful to the people, past and present who have helped me get where I am. I even entered two writing contests. Now I don’t imagine I will win, but it’s not about the winning, it’s about taking my writing more seriously, and taking back a piece of myself. I was surprised at how much fun I had writing the stories.

My son and I went down to Victoria for a few days to see the Viking exhibit at the museum, and spend a couple of days together. It was fun, and when I got back I got sent to bed with a flu bug. I was disappointed I had to cancel some plans, It took its time, but I am better now.  I have attended two workshops that were presented by The F.O.R.C.E.  http://www.forcesociety.com/  and look forward to working with them in the future.  I have had lunch with friends, and enjoyed some quiet down time.

Yesterday I was out with my best friend and mentioned how quickly Christmas seems to be coming up, and how because October was so busy I feel like I lost that month somewhere. Her reply was “Last October you were starting your crash and burn – (I ended up in the hospital in February) - you made it through without crashing and burning this time.” And that was just what I needed to hear!!!

We all go through developmental stages throughout our life. Some are small, some are huge, their difficulty varies, but each one is growth of some kind. Some we notice as it happens, sometimes, it is not until well after the fact that we realize it.

For those of us with D.I.D. or other mental health challenges, it can be even harder and take more time and energy. But, it is just as important and it is always a positive move forward, even if we do not feel like it at the time.

I was talking to my Dr’s medical student last week. I told her that I had stopped dissociating and became “integrated” last spring, and of the challenges of trying to live in the here and now without dissociating. It’s positive, but at times its hard work. I told her, I feel like a snake that is shedding its skin. I have been shedding this one since last March. It’s hard work, and at times I just feel like giving up, but I know that if I stop before I am finished, the old skin will get smaller and smaller and eventually choke me off. As the old skin is shed, the new skin is tender and I have to do lots of self-care until it has toughened up some. Yes it’s a lot of work, and yes, I have and will continue to pull in my supports while I go through this stage.  But, it is a move forward, and I am looking forward to what is underneath.

Those are my thoughts for today, I wish you all well in your journeys and discovering what you find as you move forward.

Cheers and be well

Suzy