Reality Check

This afternoon I spent a couple of hours going through old journals looking for favorite quotes. If I find a quote I like I often put them in my journal. I know it would be easier to put them in one book, but I have tried that and all that would result is a book, -actual many of them- with a few quotes in them and then I would forget I have the book to put them in, and end up putting them in my journal that I was using at the time.  I was looking for these quotes because I am starting a file on my computer so they would all be in one place.

As I was doing this a few things occurred to me.

1-      That I have written a lot and have a lot of journals

2-      That I have come a long way

3-      That I really do have many different forms of hand writing in my journals.

While I have known that I have different forms of hand writing, I guess I didn’t realize how many different forms of handwriting. I also think that now that I am more “together”- now that most if not all my parts are working together- I am able to see more of the whole picture. As opposed to the past where the parts were not working together and I could only see “bits or slices” of the past, and present.   

It was with fascination that I saw writing in my journals as block letters-where they are all capitals, very small printing, cursive script in different sizes and styles, block letters in different sizes, kid’s writing- meaning very primitive like a little kids when they first learn to write. Some printing/writing is  very tiny and neat, others big and sloppy. I have used different writing implements, pens, pencils, crayons etc… It was also interesting because a lot of what I was reading I don’t remember writing. It’s as if I was reading something for the very first time, just like when one opens a new book- an adventure and the unknown awaits you and the possibilities of discoveries are there.

I have a lot of journals. Lots of adventures and discoveries are written on those pages. Different forms/styles of art work from many different ages. I guess you can say there are many different points of view in these books. There are writings about   good times and bad times, hospital admittances on the pshy ward, life’s struggles and disappointments and great moments of growth and epiphanies.  

This morning I woke up and was feeling pretty good. For the most part I had recovered from my weekend away with the ringette team. As I had mentioned in the last post, it would take longer for my “brain energy” to recover then my muscles, and sure enough I was right. I was finally feeling back to myself and on a level plain this morning. I managed to get some errands done and did not feel exhausted after.  It is on days like this that my illness is not “up front and personal”. That could be why what I saw in my journals today was a bit of a reality check.

I do plan on writing my memoirs. My journals are full of treasures from “everyone’s point of view” and their stories are full of wisdom and can teach us much. Right now their stories may be scattered through my many journals, but like my collection of quotes, one day we will all be on the same page.

Those are my thoughts for today.

Until next time

Cheers and be well

Recovery Time...

Recovery Time…

Well, I am slowly recovering from my wonderful weekend away with my ringette team. I am sure that I, like my team mates, have become friends with our Tylenol or ibuprofen for the next day or two. I had a great time, got to know my team mate’s better and learned that they are a great bunch. And I got to know myself better as well.

Anytime I go away I have to be vigilant that I get enough rest and down time. When I am at home and get to busy or too much on my plate I will notice I get discombobulated, switch, and not be at my best. When this happens I stay home and sleep or rest until I am back on a level plain. However this is harder to do when I am away and am part of a team and have responsibilities.  That is why I have been vigilant this weekend.

Before leaving I talked with my therapist and put plans in motion. This plan was basically talking about things I need to do to help me be my best, how to get the best sleep, remember to eat before I get to hungry or cold - which can be a trigger in itself as I was hungry  and cold a big part of my childhood-  and because I am diabetic/hypoglycemic. When I get hungry and my blood sugar drops I get grumpy and don’t always make the best choices. This is normal for anyone who is diabetic/hypoglycemic, however put D.I.D. into that combination and it can make life very interesting!!! So with my plan in place off to the tournament I go.

It was a good weekend. I had never played a ringette game before and there were a few times I switched, but it was momentarily. This would show as being discombobulated as to what the score of the game was that we played a couple of hours ago. What I mean by this is not a big deal that I couldn’t remember the score but more that I couldn’t remember what game we played two hours ago. The confusion was if we played that game two hours ago or if it was the game from the morning before. Another time I got confused on the ice a couple of times, but the team took it all in stride, and I know the more I play the less this type of thing will happen. I also noticed I was being hyper vigilant and when that happens I am not always able to take in my surroundings.  I noticed by the third day I was pretty much ok.

There was also “ah ha” moments. These are epiphany, or moments of clarity. One of the biggest ones was that I was part of the team.  Now this may sound strange and you may say..”well of course she’s part of a team, she is on a team.”. I guess I could clarify it by saying I feel part of the team.

Growing up I learned not to try anything because I was not going to be any good at it and I would be put down for it. Now as an adult I know that when we all learn something new we are all on the same beginning level. An example of this is a ten year old who is an amazing artist and has a talent and has been drawing for years. Now along comes the adult who had never drawn and wants to learn. This adult may have never held a pencil in their hand, and we know they will not be as good at the ten year old. But if the adult draws a circle for the first time it will look much like the child’s circle the first time they drew it. We all start from the same point.  So when I started to skate at the age of fifty, I had the same skating ability of a five year old that put skates on for the first time.  

But growing up if you were not the best at anything you tried then you were a failure. As an adult I know that this was the adult’s issues, not mine, but as a kid I was not able to know this. I grew up believing that if I was not the best at anything then I was no good so I never tried. I guess the moral is that if you beat a dog enough times it stays down, and I had been beaten down enough times that I learned not to raise my head and try anything. So what does this have to do with this weekend…..

Well, I am captain of my dragon boat team, I am a strong paddler and when the team is paddling we are all doing the same thing.- or that’s our goal !  This is not the case in ringette or other sports. What I mean by this is that in ringette one is part of the team but we all have individual jobs to do. I have only been skating for a few years and playing ringette for just over a year.  I felt that I have to be a really strong player to be of any worth to my team. That is the mis belief I was brought up with. My psychiatrist would call this a “cognitive error”.

This weekend I learned that I don’t have to be the strongest player or skater to be a contributing member of my team. I did not get any goals, but I did get three assists. That is contributing to the team. I also learned that by just being myself, I am a contributing member of the team.   

It took me planning and extra energy to prepare going away this weekend. It took planning and extra energy to stay in the moment and function this weekend. It will take time for my muscles to recover, and probably more time for my mind energy to recover, but it was worth it. This weekend I gained some personal growth, had a great time and learned how wonderful my team mates are. I saw caring, acceptance, encouragement, compassion, understanding, support, strength, courage and integrity from my team. This once again shows me that, unlike I was taught as a child, the real world can be a wonderful place to be.  This will help me grow and I will be forever grateful. I truly am fortunate to have them in my life.

I guess that’s it for now, time for another nap.

Until next time

Cheers and be well

Suzy

Emotional Regulation....

Well, I am a week or two late with this blog post. I do get frustrated that I am unable to be consistent, but it’s not for lack of wanting. This is how my brain works.  I have posted in previous blogs about the frustration with this, and it is, for me, one of my biggest challenges. Between this and my memory issues it is pretty frustrating.

But, I am doing better than I have in the past.

It has been a busy few weeks. 

Three weeks ago I did a presentation on Dissociative Identity Disorder to a grade 11 psychology class at one of the local high schools. The teacher also allowed people from outside the school system to attend the presentation. People from my dragon boat team, (as well as one of their husbands)-and my therapist attended. It was an amazing experience and from all accounts I did a pretty good job.  Not only did I stay in the present I can also remember pretty much the whole presentation. 

Then there was the busyness of getting ready for Christmas and all that can go with it. I worked hard to not get caught up in the craziness of it all, and remain in the present and stay grounded during this time. When I could feel my anxiety creeping up I would drink vanilla steamers instead of coffee when I met friends at the coffee shop, go for walks and be mindful of my feet moving on the ground, stop and listen to the birds etc.  Not go shopping on the crazy busy days and things like that. 

While I tried to not get caught up in the craziness of it all and relax and enjoy the season, why was I so tired? The answer came to me today.

Growing up, Christmas was craziness, mom hated it as it was added pressures, and more craziness to the already crazy home life, and if we had a good Christmas then that meant we had money and that meant there would be alcohol, and there was never any good that came with that. So while I knew all these triggers, - which are more memories then triggers now-would be front and center and I did tons of self-care and was careful with not overdoing it and mindful  of my energy level, I was still finding myself tired.

On the outside it looked like I was calm and collected on the outside,  on the inside I was working my butt of trying to regulate my emotions so they would not get either high energy which looks like mania, or bottom out, which looks like depression, but to stay in the "mid-range" of emotions. Imagine a piece of paper divided horizontally in three sections. The hyper mania is the top third. The bottoming out is the bottom third, and the mid range is the middle third.

What is emotional regulation? Emotional regulations are something we, as children, learn from our parents and the adults around us. Good parents, and even “good enough parents- (a topic for another time) - show us how to watch, recognize, acknowledge and deal with emotions.  As an infant we have many emotions and needs. A tuned in parent can usually tell the difference between a hungry cry, a tired cry and a cry of pain and will act accordingly. As the parent is acting accordingly and seeing to our needs there is positive verbally and physically communication. There is eye to eye contact between the baby and parent and we learn to trust the parent and know they will meet our needs and help us if we let them know we are in distress. If we are tired they put us to bed, if hungry they feed us, if in pain help alleviate that and if comfort is needed they hold and comfort us. If we are getting too excited and hyper,  the parent will not let us get to the point of where we are “off the rails”,- ( the top third portion of the paper)- meaning a place where the child is not able to regulate themselves. If this does happen the caregiver will usually find a quiet activity, remove the child from the stimuli and help the child settle back down. If the child bottoms out and disconnects-( bottom third of the paper)- the parent will interact with the child and bring the child to the present moment.

As we get older the parent slowly slides the responsibility of regulating our emotions to ourselves, so that by the time we are adults, we have a pretty good idea of how to do this.

In my case, as a child this never happened. I lived in chaos. I was surrounded by adults who themselves could not self-regulate their emotions and they could not show me how to do it. I remember one Christmas morning being woken up at 2:30 am so that we- the kids- could open our presents. The adults were not able to self-regulate their emotions-(their excitement about Christmas) - and wait until at least day break before getting us up. They, at that point in time needed instant gratification. These adults could not put a “stopper” on their emotions of excitement and would get more and more wound up. Children learn by example.

We have all seen kids who are so overtired they become hyper and cannot stop running around, or being active and over stimulated that they are “wired”.  This does happen to most kids occasionally, but for me, this happened all the time and let me tell you this is not a fun place to be. I had no idea how to pull myself away from the chaos, neither did the adults. The only way they knew was to drink, bottom out-(surrender and give up) - and be disconnected with what was going on around them or dissociate. Once again children learn by example. I learned at a very, very early age to surrender and dissociate. At the age of twelve I started drinking.

It was not until I was diagnosed with D.I.D. and able to understand my coping mechanisms and how much they cost me in the long run, that I  was  able to learn new ways to cope and learn to self-regulate my emotions.  It took time and hard work but it sure was worth it. In the past I would dissociate outright,with no memory,  then I got to the point where I would notice after the fact when I dissociated, then I was able to notice the emotions and not dissociate, but would still be hyper/manic, or bottom out. I am now able- for the most part -to notice when my emotions are getting to hyper / excited  or bottoming out and adjust accordingly. I now know how to self sooth and relax without the need to dissociate or drink alcohol.

That being said it takes a lot of energy to do this, especially this time of the year. But, the benefits outweigh the cost.

This year I asked Santa to give me some magic pixie dust so that when I skate I would be able to do cross overs and when skating forward, pivot, so I could skate backwards without stopping, but there was no pixie dust in my stocking.

But what I did receive was more  magical and precious .

This Christmas I was able to enjoy the time with my family and friends, and feel the connections I have with them. I enjoyed the lights and music, the cheerful greetings, the excitement of the season and all the magic it brings. I had the energy to go play ringette and hockey and golf and marvel at the Trumpeter Swans as they flew overhead.  I had made time for myself to go for quiet walks in the woods.  I can remember it all.

For me, that truly is a gift of wonder.

Until next time cheers and be well and hopefully it will not be so long between blogs.

Suzy

PS- when I say the energy it takes to self regulate I mean the energy it takes me  to re wire my brain. Think of some stroke patients and the energy it takes them to re wire their brain and get it working again after a stroke. everyone knows it takes energy and makes them tired. The same is for me when I am re wiring my brain.

Dissociation Affects All Levels of Emotions.

Later this week, I will be giving a presentation about Dissociative identity Disorder to a grade 12 psychology class. I am very excited about this and looking forward to it.

This all came together on Thursday, so I have not had a lot of time to think about what I am going to say, which is probably a good thing as I do not want to be to clinical about it. I want to be able to give the students a different perspective, a perspective form “the front lines” as they say. I want to give them an idea of how it has affected my life and what this condition is really about.  It is about a very effective defensive mechanism the brain uses to allow the individual to survive extreme situations. If there was any danger or perceived danger I would dissociate.

This afternoon I had a meeting with my mentor, to get some ideas and have a general talk with him  about what I want to present and how best to do it.  I was discussing about how to start the presentation. I told him I was thinking of asking the students three questions and that if they feel comfortable enough, put your hand up if any of the following has happened to you…

• ·         How many of us in this room have gone to a movie or read a book and have been so immersed in the movie that we had lost track of time? – I imagine everyone’s  hands will go up, as well as my own

• ·         Who in this room have driven home from somewhere, having something on our mind only to find ourselves safely parked in our driveway with no recollection of the drive home?- once again some hands, as well as my own will be up

• ·         Have any of you experienced an accident or seen a fire or been involved in some other event  and found that you have either felt as if the incident was happening in slow motion or to someone else?- I imagine maybe a couple hands will be up- as well as my own

• ·         Has anyone in this room been involved in an accident or seen an accident or some traumatic experience and found you have lost some memory or time, or have  little recall of the incident?- Maybe only one hand will be up as well as my own

• ·         Has anyone in this room sat down and started to play the drums with a group at a party, and the group starts to end the jam and you have only been playing for a few minutes the slowly realize you have been playing for 3 ½ hours but have no recollection of that time. This is not due to any drinking or taking of drug? - (As I posted in a previous blog) -- The chances are that I will be the only one with their hand up.

It was when I was talking of this that it came to me that I didn’t only dissociate when I was afraid or felt fear, I dissociated when I felt any emotion, Fear, anxiety, sadness, grief, joy, shame, guilt, etc.  I could not believe the clarity of this realization.  I knew that I dissociated, that I have huge gaps of memory in my life. I had assumed I dissociated at those times because of danger or a threat of danger.

But as I was talking about dissociating when I was playing the drums I wondered why would I do that. Why would I dissociate when I was having fun and was doing something that I enjoyed?

 It then occurred to me that as a young child there were times I felt sadness and I was vulnerable and some took advantage of that.  When this happened I would once again dissociate and I created an altar or persona. This alter would deal with emotions. From this time forward, anytime I felt any form of emotion this persona would deal with them while at the same time the “core” me would be able to stay on hyper alert and keep an eye out for any form of danger.

While this was a very effective defense mechanism for a moment of danger or to deal with growing up in a very chaotic, abusive and neglectful household, it has interfered immensely in my life. As a child I always felt that I didn’t fit in, like there was this glass partition between me and the rest of the world. I just could not seem to connect with others or fit in.

Sure I had friendships and emotions but it was the alters, other parts of me that had formed the friendships with others. The core me could not have friendships, because for friendships one need to have emotions and be able to make connections.

Here is an example..

This afternoon I went to a friend’s house and had tea. My friend asked me if I had my Christmas tree up yet and I told her no, that I had seen some at the local grocery store but have not put one up yet as it’s a bit early. I then talked about maybe going to cut one down and where to get one and wondering where to do that. . My friend then mentioned to me of a time the two of us went and cut down some trees. I asked her where and when as I have no recollection of this. She told me where we went and when. She then mentioned to me of a year that I got a permit from the forestry permit and my son and I went and cut one down. Once again, I have no recollection of this.

I then jokingly told her that I don’t come up for a visit and tea; I just come visit her so that she can remind me what I have done.

It was not until I got into therapy and had the supports in place that I could learn how to deal with emotions.  I learned how to stay with and feel the emotions and process them, instead of dissociating. This has helped me to stay more in the present and have a linear memory. For example, I do remember the visit to my friends this afternoon and the conversation we had. I am now able to form connections and emotional relationships that enrich one’s life.

Life is full of surprises. I am so looking forward to presenting to the students and hoping that I can teach them something. Little did I know that preparing for the presentation – the students would inadvertently teach me about myself.  For this I am grateful.

Until next time

Feel those emotions, they help one grow.

Cheers and be well

Suzy

Don’t Judge a Book By Its Cover

The last few days I have been thinking about how far I have come with my dissociation. I guess I was thinking about it because Christmas is coming and in some ways  it’s a tough time of the year for me. For me, there are many triggers around this season and I have been working on creating new traditions and new memories. So, I thought about how far I have come and about the times I was hospitalized on the psychiatric unit.

When I was first admitted, I was in crisis mode and my doctor came to see me the next morning. I could hardly talk to him, I thought I was going crazy and I was terrified. I didn’t say much to the nurses either.  When my psychiatrist came to see me he asked me if I was angry with him. I was not; he then informed me that my body language was saying otherwise. It was then that I started to learn  what my body language was saying and what I was feeling inside were two different things, often they were total polar opposites.

This issue is twofold. First, I was so disconnected from my body that I did not even notice what message I was giving the world.  Second, often it was a persona that the world was seeing.

A few years later, during another visit to the hospital one of the nurses and I were talking about how far I had come since the first time I was admitted. She told me “when you first came in here you were so angry and had a huge chip on your shoulder.” I told her that I was not angry, I was terrified. That growing up, if I showed that I was scared I would be in a vulnerable position and this could possible put me in danger. Whenever I  was scared I had a persona that came out and she could be bigger, badder and angrier than anyone could be. This protected me.

At times during therapy, what I was saying and what I was feeling were at odds.  I started writing my psychiatrist letters after the session to let him know what was going on inside of me during the session. These would be things such as emotions, physical sensations and “cognitive errors” or false beliefs that we were struggling with. Slowly through time the defenses were no longer needed and eventually my emotions and body language started to be on the same page.

I have been thinking about how often I must have given the world the wrong signals. As if being dissociative wasn’t enough of a problem, what the world saw and what I was really feeling created more problems. 

I have worked really hard to stay connected to myself and be aware of my body language. I still have times when my body language gives off a different message to how I am feeling. My son is great at pointing this out to me, as are some friends and family, but it is still a struggle. I am now aware that this happens more when I get stressed, tired or have too much on my plate.

There are times my body and I are on different pages, different chapters and hell, even in different books.  That’s OK, because in the past we were not even in the same universe.

It is getting better, and being mindful helps me keep an eye on it. My friends and family have learned to ask me how I am doing and if I say fine, but I look angry they will question it. I am fortunate to have friends and family who feel comfortable enough to ask me, for every time they do it helps me get re acquainted with myself.

They have learned that when it comes to me, they cannot always  judge the book by its cover.

Until the next chapter

Cheers and be well

Suzy