One Step at a Time... Repeat...Repeat...Repeat...

It has been 4 weeks since my last blog post, and like my life, what I plan on doing and what ends up happening is often two different things.

The month of April was pretty busy for me, actually really busy, and I thought I would have a nice quiet May. Since May is Mental Health Month, I had signed up for a blog challenge, #Blog4MH , and thought I would write a blog every two weeks. As you can see, it did not turn out that way. But, I am learning that is fine, and I have learned a thing or two about myself on the way.

I have come to the conclusion that life, everyone’s life, is made up of millions of single steps at a time. I have also learned that if I look at life and what I want to do, one step at a time, it helps ease my panic and anxiety about “having to get it done now”

Let’s start with my garden.  I really enjoy my garden, I grow flowers because as I told someone asked me “Why don’t you grow food, it could feed you,” my reply was “I grow flowers because flowers feed my soul.” My poor garden was pretty much neglected last year, I had no energy and the flowers and weeds were having a great “Love In,” and by this spring the crab grass was so high I could sit down in it and no one would see me.

It was a daunting task when I looked at it, and seemed overwhelming, there was so much of it. This was a challenge as in the past if things seemed overwhelming I would give up- this is an old defence mechanism from childhood- But, one morning I think “time to get going on this.” I spent two hours out there the 1^st morning, and it was a mess. As I am pulling, digging and yanking out the crabgrass and weeds, it seems like I am getting nowhere there is so much of it. The Sweet Williams that in the past covered most of the garden with its amazing display of scent and colour, were few and far between. They were being chocked out.  When I finished it looked like I didn’t even put a dent in it. I go back out for a couple hours in the early morning the next day. I continue this for the rest of the week then on a Saturday spend 2 hours in the afternoon, and 3 hours that evening, and the garden is ready for more seeds.

For me, gardening is very therapeutic. While pulling the weeds I thought taking care of my garden is like taking care of my mental health. My garden will always have crabgrass, once it’s in your garden, its roots travel far and wide and come up all over the place. I will always have my mental illness, and it will be far reaching, and show up in unexpected places, but if I can keep on top of both, I will benefit.

 I planted some seeds and have started to water them, and of course, as soon as they come up- which still amazes me- some crabgrass starts to pop through. It’s good to pull the young crabgrass out, but doing so would pull up the seedlings, so I have decided to leave the crabgrass there, until the seedlings are big enough and strong enough so that they will not be disturbed when I pull out the grass.

This reflects my life in so many ways. I only have so much energy. As I told a friend the other day, “I only get so many M.P.G. - (Miles per gallon,) - and some days the mileage is worse than others. I need to be mindful of what my mileage is every day, and act accordingly. Some days I will start off with a full tank but it will be empty by lunch time, some days it will last me the whole day, and some days I start with an empty tank. I have to be very mindful and self-caring those days when my tank is empty. If I try to do too much on those days, even if it’s something I want to do, it will take longer for me to recover and fill my tanks.  Just like disturbing the young seedlings, it will take the plant more energy to get re rooted.

The middle of this month I had about 10 days where I didn’t have much gas. It was frustrating to say the least and I was stressing about doing another blog post. This stress only came from myself, no one else, but it’s an old deprivation behaviour- “if I don’t get it done now it will never get done,”  and the good ole Complex P.T.S.D. “ I have to get it done because I said I would and I will be in trouble etc. if I don’t.

I realized neither was true, but my nervous system felt different. So it took a lot of self-care, energy and mindfulness on my part to not get so worked up about it. And, as you all see, I did survive, the world did not come to an end because I didn’t write the amount of blog posts I said I would.

This month, being Mental Health month, I have been busy with speaking engagements. I have spoken to 4 groups or classes so far and I have two more coming up this week. I LOVE doing this, I get so much out of it and the youth and adults I have spoken to have been amazing and asked great questions.

Every time I come away feeling amazed, grateful and honoured that people and youth have stepped out of there comfort zone, and welcomed me and we have had some amazing conversations.  I have received emails from the facilitators or teachers.

… “"AMAZING.
thank you a zillion times over and over.
You rock.
kids talking about you in the halls all afternoon.""

…”Thank you for your time and amazing insight, stories and perspectives. The students have been coming up to me – telling me that you have made the most impact on them out of all our speakers. They really appreciated how you made your presentation real for them. They took away useful information that they could immediately use.”

“ She was taking a lot in. Her life sucks and she feels helpless. I believe you gave her back some Hope. Thank you so much for that.”..

“Your message is very powerful; not soap boxy or victimizing, but empowering. You are doing the work you were meant to do and the rest of us need to hear it. You really do have a gift.”

More than once someone once asked me how did I end up speaking about mental health, sometime my answer is just taking one step at a time, not knowing where I was going, but knew I needed to keep moving forward.

And, speaking of one step at a time, I am going on another Outward Bound course.http://www.outwardbound.ca/

This is a Women of Courage course, for women who have had violence at some time in their life and I am doing a backpacking course at the north end of Vancouver Island. 

http://www.outwardbound.ca/results.asp?CourseRID=327 

 I didn’t know about this course until April 27^th when a friend sent me the info- we had both been on the one in the Rookie Mountains in September of 2013. I thought about it for a few hours and said ” "Suzy, sometimes the universe sends you a gift and you have to step forward and take it.” So I sent in an inquiry, they sent me the forms, I filled those out, then there was the hour long interview on the phone, then they talked to my therapist, and yes, I am accepted and the course starts 2 weeks today.

This is going to be a huge challenge both physically and emotionally. When I did the one in the Rookies I remember on the 1^st day saying to self…”You should have practiced more on the stairs at the Spit” By one of the beaches here, a set of stairs has been built that you can go up, and the view is amazing.

 So as soon as I sent in my application I started to go up them. The 1^st morning I went up I could not believe how hard they were, I was only up the 20^th step and I had to take a break. “Wholly crap” I thought, “How the Hell am I going to be able to do these?” Well, I did do them one very slow step at a time. And I have done them 5 times every Monday, Wednesday and Friday morning since then. 

I am not fast or run up them, but I do get up them and I am getting stronger in the legs and lungs each time I do it.  When I start to get tired I take a breathing break and then carry on. These breathing breaks have gotten shorter and the recovery time is quicker. I still get tired when I do them and when this happens I focus on the stair in front of me and tell myself “One step at a time”

Last Saturday I received confirmation the course is a go and I am going, so I started to walk around town with a loaded pack. I am now carrying 37 lbs. for 4 miles. It’s not easy and once again I  have to break the walk down to one step at a time.

I will not have the amount of time to train as I did for the trip in the Rookies, and I was worried about that, but then realized, I am in better shape than I was a month ago, so that helps.

I have been on other Women of Courage Courses, the one I mentioned in the Rookies and I took a canoeing one in Ontario in 2005. They have all been amazing, challenging and I have recovered a part of myself on each trip. But I think this one will be the most challenging emotionally for me. 

The other two trips took places where I had never been, but this one, being on the island, is taking place “In my back yard” I grew up on the island and this is where all the abuse, trauma and terror happened. I love being in the woods but as I wrote in my safety/support plan for the instructors …

“I grew up on Vancouver Island, and this course is taking place in “my back yard” meaning, this is where 20 years of severe and horrific abuse, neglect and terror happened to me. The smell of a rotting cedar log, sound of wind through the maples, smell of the ocean can all bring about flashbacks. I am usually fine with these but in moments of stress they may flare up….. Being short of breath, cold, wet and hungry is another trigger…”

So as you can see this is going to be a huge challenge in more ways than one. But I know the Outward Bound staff are experienced, supportive and they have my support plan to help me through these challenges. They know I have Dissociative Identity Disorder, and Complex PTSD, and I know I will come back a much stronger, whole happier person for taking this trip.

Some people have asked me “Why would you want to go on something like that?” I guess the answer is that it is another step forward for me. Yes, I’m nervous, especially about the 24 hour solo section of the course. I’m nervous about being cold, wet and hungry and being triggered, and running out of breath. But I also know, this is an amazing opportunity for me to push myself a little further- actually a lot- in a supportive environment, and take back my life, take back that part of myself that loved the smell, colours and textures of the outdoors before the trauma happened. This is an amazing opportunity to start “Taking back my home.”

Yes I will get frustrated, angry, upset and ask myself many times “Why the Hell did I think this was a good idea.”  “ If I had known it was going to be this hard I would not have signed up” There will be moments of elation as I survived being pushed further then I thought possible, and I’m sure moments of laughter and connectedness. And, I’m sure there will be times where all I can focus on is moving one step at a time.

But I know it will be worth it.

I think back to my garden and pulling all the weeds. I was sitting crossed legged in the grass pulling and digging at the chunks of crabgrass and swearing at it when something pricked into my hand. After swearing again, I took a look, and there in amongst all the weeds and tangle, was a tiny rose bush I had planted a couple of years ago. And growing upward through all the grass and weeds was a thin branch with a single beautiful pink rose on it. I stopped, looked at it for a moment and thought, “There is always hope.” This plant had never flowered before.

When I speak to the parents, youth, and write my blogs I like to think I give people hope and encourage them to keep moving forward one step at a time. Life can be hard, it will be full of challenges, trials and tribulations, but it is all worth it.

I went an watered my garden this morning  and the seeds I planted are coming up, and the Sweet Williams that were choked out, are coming back, finer and stronger than ever.

Those are my thoughts for today, may you all be safe in your journeys.

Cheers and be well

Suzy 

The best Laid Plans of Mice and men.....

As Robert Burns Wrote in his poem “To a Mouse”  “The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry”

(The saying is adapted from a line: “The best laid schemes o’ mice an’ men / Gang aft a-gley.”)

No matter which way you can say it, it’s a bloody understatement!!!

As I mentioned in my last blog post, I had been struggling, and was doing a lot of self-care and asking for help. I had talked about seeing my Dr. and hitting a bad patch, and requesting admittance into the unit at the local hospital. My Dr. and I agreed this is what was needed, I had my support plan in place, I had pulled away from activities etc. to work on my stuff and do what I needed to do to take care of myself, and hospital admittance was the next step. 

Well….”The best laid plans of mice and men”…….it sure the Hell went awry…..

I had an appointment with my Dr. in the morning and with my therapist in the afternoon. After seeing my Dr. he contacted the hospital and then my therapist to tell her that the hospital did not have a spot and it looked like they would not in the near future. When my therapist told me this I felt like my world had fallen apart, I had worked so hard to stay safe and had been proactive and it was not working-so I thought.

Needless to say I went through a range of emotions in my therapist’s office, everything from anger, sadness, fear, anxiety and a range of other emotions.I was scared, I had no idea what else to do. I did not want to get to the crisis point I have had in the past, but my plan had suddenly been derailed.

Then my therapist talked to me about making a new support plan, calling in the resources of my friends and family. Needless to say this scared the crap out of me.  I had no idea how to do this work outside of the hospital. I kept thinking back to the beginning of my work, and how bad it went, and how hard it was. My friends and family had seen me struggle, but with this work, I had done it in the hospital.  I was afraid for them to see me this bad, and needing the supports I would need.

But, I had two choices. I could try to keep it together on my own- (which I knew was not going to happen, and I would end up in crisis mode, end up in emergency many times, and be the worst for it) or I could reach out and ask for me help.

I opted to ask for help. Believe me, this has been one of the hardest things I have ever done, and on many levels I was terrified. Terrified to have people see me in this state, see the ‘real me” terrified to feel this vulnerable.

Let me explain a little about this fear. I grew up in a family where the caregivers were not mentally healthy themselves. One moment they would be loving and take care of me, another time they would ignore my needs, neglect or abuse me. Now imagine a young child trying to figure out what to do when they are hurt- do I go to the person who is supposed to take care of me, wait- I can’t do that because this is the same person that hurts me. This creates what is called disorganized attachment. Here is a link to learn more http://www.psychalive.org/disorganized-attachment/

So, needless to say I have no idea what to do. So my therapist and I talk about why it helps me when I am in the hospital, we write these down. Then my therapist and I put together a support plan to give to my Dr., family and friends to let them know what was going on with me, that I could not get into the hospital and what they could do to help me through this very difficult and challenging time. We wrote this out in rough draft and later that day, my therapist sent it to my e-mail. I read it, made any changes if needed and then the time came...to send it out into cyber space…..

Let me tell you…I walked back and forth, telling myself why I should and should not ask for help. My heart was racing my palms were sweaty, I was light headed, I felt like I was going to throw up. I had many conversations going on in my head why this was not a good idea and why it would not work-“no one will understand, no one cares, if they see how broken I am I will lose the friends I now have, they will think I am weak, it’s not really that bad, they won’t understand,  they will say they’ll help, but they won’t, just like before  etc, etc, etc. ” all of these “stories were wrong by the way!!!!!

So, with beating heart, trembling hands and sweaty palms, I sent my support plan out into cyber space having no idea what the result would be. I sent it to friends I thought might come on board and to my ringette team. 

I have posted the plan at the end of this blog post.

The response was amazing, I am blown away and still get tears of gratitude when I think back to that time. The unconditional love and support I received, and continue to receive still moves me to my core.  They all pitched in and helped me through a very dark and tough time. One friend even brought me a nightlight in the shape of a tea cup, and in the card she wrote-“So you will never be alone on the dark again.”

 I had people checking in with me via phone, text, Facebook and in person. One friend phoned me 4 times a day at a scheduled time, mid-morning, mid-afternoon, early evening and later evening before bed.

Another friend- who is a pshy nurse texted and checked in with me throughout the days and let me know she was there any time, day or night. My ringette team set up a schedule of daily visits with me and to make sure I got out for a bit of a walk every day- no matter how reluctant I was.  People scheduled me in their days for visits, -e-mails, phone calls, texts etc. This was a great example where social media worked and pulled everyone together to support me. One of the ringette players who now lives in another town, sent me a card every day for 2 weeks, it was amazing.

 I had 4 people, some friends, some professionals (one still practicing, and one retired who is now a dear friend)- I could call in the wee hours of the night when things were dark, both figuratively and physically. Believe me I did call them.  It was hard for me to do so, and the old tapes of the past would creep into my brain telling me that I would be bothering them, why can’t I do this on my own etc. - but I did call them and it made all the difference in the world.

 People brought me cards, flowers, goodies, breakfast and lunch, hugs and I had someone visit every day. I visited my family Dr. every day and he told me I could have daily check-ins’ with him for as long as I needed. A good friend picked me up and made sure I got there and back safely.  My therapist visited me or phoned me every day. I had an amazing amount of e-mails, messages and texts of love and support.

I guess in some aspects it was a giant love in and I was the center of attention.

It was a challenging time, and as I said reaching out for help, was challenging, actually scared the crap out of me, -it’s a long story to do with past trauma and disorganized attachment issues- but on so many levels I’m glad I took the risk. To put it simply, it showed me once again that the world is much safer than I ever thought possible and I am now connected and connecting with people, and myself, on a level I never thought possible.

And, it once again showed me it’s safe to talk about my mental illness and the challenges around it, and once again, I see by doing that, it allows others to talk about it.

I am recovering, and once again life has shown me that I never know what is around the corner. 

  On the 21^st of February I received notice that I was nominated for The Canadian Alliance Champions of Mental Health Award, I was so surprised that you could have knocked me over with a feather.  To think that someone thought that much of what I do was, to say the least, a pleasant surprise. One of the  local paper also did a piece about. http://www.comoxvalleyrecord.com/news/295948621.html

Last week a friend took me to see Shane Koyzcan, an amazing spoken word artist. I had heard and watched him on Youtube, read some of his stuff but I had never seen him live. It was amazing. He was powerful, funny and authentic. He spoke about what is often unspoken. I laughed, and I cried and that was ok. Here is a link to some of his work http://www.shanekoyczan.com/

Next week I am going to the Child and Youth mental Health and Substance Use ( CYMHSU) Collaborative next week in Vancouver. I am being sent by The Force Society http://www.forcesociety.com/about-us and am looking forward to learning more and re connecting with the amazing people I met in Kelowna last September.

I am still struggling. I don’t know how long I will continue to struggle, but I do know I need to take the time it takes. There are no manuals for what I am dealing with, no maps or instruction booklets.  I often feel like I am going through this blind, but I do know…I can and will ask for help, and it will come. I know that even if my loved ones do not understand they are here beside me, to hold my hand, make me a tea, and give me a smile or a hug. I know the professionals in my life will make time for me and help and support me through this, and any other rough time.  I know, that this too will end, I will come out of this, I will see the bright side. This, like life is a journey, and I have an amazing team to help me through it.

I am on a voyage of discovery, of who I really am. There will be good times, there will be tough times, doors will close and new ones will open….and all along I have an amazing support team. And when things get rough I will remember Shane Koyzcan words in his poem ``Instructions For a Bad Day``…  Realize every dark cloud is a smoke screen meant to blind us from the truth, and the truth is whether we see them or not - the sun and moon are still there and always there is light. ``

Those are my thoughts for today- I wish you all well on your life’s journeys

Cheers and be well

Suzy

My Support plan sent to friends, family and Dr.

 Hi folks,

Your friend Suzy needs your help this week. 

In the past, when she’s had emotionally stormy weather, she’s been able to go into St Joseph’s “Spa” as she jokingly calls it. That’s not an option this time – gatekeeping of the beds is tighter and tighter as budgets tighten. Since there’s “no room at the inn” she’s going to do this personal work at home. She’s found this inner work process usually takes 5-7 days.

You need to know that both her physician and her counselor are confident that this will be a safe process – in fact probably a pretty important breakthrough to feel safe and vulnerable at the same time with her chosen family (that’s you!).

When she went on the Women of Courage course there was a “solo” challenge – a day alone and an overnight alone, with support staff camped nearby. She’s on a different kind of solo this week, and she’s asking for your support to be nearby…

What support is needed?

-          Friends who can step forward and offer to be “on call” for one or more nights in case she needs to make a late night phone call to hear a loving voice remind her of her strengths & her circle of support – (call or e-mail if you can do this, with the night you’re able to wake if needed)

-           

-          Other friends who can step forward and call to check in on her (help break any trances of aloneness or numbness) on a schedule. We need volunteers to call morning, mid afternoon, early evening, and a before bed (9pm call) – someone to coordinate this would be great!

-           

-          Visiting – Suzy can set some visiting hours – to make a cup of tea, to hold her hand or offer a hug, just “be” – no need to “fix” her – she’s not broken, just in a recovering stage that makes her a little more vulnerable than you’re used to.

-           

-          Cards & letters – visual expressions of love & support are great to re-open and re-read in the darker hours when she needs to remind herself of her current world that’s “camped nearby”

-           

-          Reminders that she’s probably going to be “rolo-dexing” through defense patterns (Fight Flight Freeze Submit/Collapse, Attach)so she may need help just labeling and letting go of storylines and just witness the defense:

-          • angry ranting or frustration = Fight

• thoughts of ending it, numbing out, putting up a wall = Flight

• terror of facing this week out of the hospital = Freeze

• numbing out, abject sadness = Collapse

• feeling abandoned by the system = Attach

This labeling helps defuse, helps soothe, helps make sense of the emotional storms. 

-          reassurance that this process has an end -- this is not a setback – this is progress and it’s only a few days.

-          Folks who might invite her out to walk each day (regardless of reluctance J)

-          You don’t need to ask what happened in the past -- that’s not the work. The work is trusting the present and trusting the fact that she is not alone – that her support system is here even when she’s more vulnerable and perhaps more needy than usual.

-          Suzy will be in daily contact with her counselor. She’s arranged to keep in close contact with her physician.

If you have questions or concerns about this you can e-mail me,  or call the office  (I check messages morning and night).

This is a sad but always sacred process that yields increasing wellbeing and joy.

 To be invited in is a profound endorsement of trust.

Following my own advice....

Yes, it has been a couple of months since my last blog here. Life has been busy, with its ups and downs but overall it’s been not too bad.  

Last week, on Thursday Jan 28^th, it was Bell Canada “Let’s Talk” day.  http://letstalk.bell.ca/en/  there were messages and tweets flying through the air and lots of great dialogue and support around mental health and how we need to get rid of the stigma that surrounds mental health. Needless to say, I was tweeting away like crazy, hoping to help and support others and get some discussions going.

So, now it’s time for me to give myself some attention and much needed self-care.

I didn't plan on this, but after all these years I have learned to go with the flow.

 I know what is coming and what I need to do. It does not mean I have to like it, but it’s a much needed process.

In some aspects, winter is hard for me. I do love playing ringette with my amazing and supportive team, going for walks, having coffee with friends, and Christmas. But is also a time of year where I get flooded with flashbacks of past trauma, and it still amazes me how much energy it takes to deal with this stuff.

The last couple of weeks, things have really been ramping up, and I could feel some stuff coming to the surface. I have written about this process in some of my past blogs, it’s a rough ride, but it is also a much needed process for me.  

This time last year I was in the St Joseph “Spa and Treatment center”- what I call the psychiatric unit at the local hospital. As I wrote it was a tough time, but also a time of deep work, that has allowed me to become a happier, healthier, more whole person.

I guess I was a little naive when I thought my work was done!

 But a couple of weeks ago, the old familiar pattern started. The brain fog, irritability, body memories, nightmares, flashbacks etc.I was pissed off to say the least. I thought, “Shit, here we go again. I thought this crap was done with.”

I was getting angry and for a brief moment started to get into the “If I keep busy I will be fine mode” I’m glad to say that only lasted about 20 minutes. That in itself is progress.

These emotions are going to come up, weather I want to or not, and as I wrote in my journal this morning..”yes grasshopper, we have been through this before and we know we do ourselves more harm if we fight it. “

What I mean by this, is that if I fight my emotions, ignore the memories that are coming up, the only thing I'm  doing is harming myself. I can stay as busy as I want, run from them as fast as I can, but in the end, they will catch up to me, and I will still need to process them, feel them, acknowledge them to lay them to rest and allow me to move on.

I do realize this is easier than done.

When I first started working on my stuff, I was so numb, I wouldn't know an emotion if it bit me on the nose. I had spent years protecting myself by not feeling anything. The very thought of feeling any emotion scared the crap out of me. I remember the countless sessions with my psychiatrist, the hours and hours we worked together, to help me feel an emotion.

Little by little I allowed myself to feel. It was hard work, it was gut wrenching work, but it was much needed work I needed to do if I was to move forward.

And, all those years later, here I am once again. But it’s different now.

I no longer need to numb myself from the emotions and memories. This has made my life so much easier.

Think of it as a dam. It does its job holding back the water and letting it out at a certain rate. Now add a huge rain and wind storm that goes for days and days. Because of the increased water levels and pressure, the dam needs to open up more to allow the extra water through. If this is not done, the dam will overflow, and it may break, either way, no one has any control of the water.

By no longer numbing out, I am able to notice the emotions sooner. I am able to feel when something is amiss and all is not well in the Land of Suzy. With this knowledge, I can put steps in so that the pressure does not become too great, and the dam does not overflow.

When these moments arise, I work at being very mindful and intentionally staying with my emotions. I let them come, and I let them go- which they will, be it anger, fear, sadness etc. Think of yourself on a surfboard and your emotions the waves.  They – (emotions) - waves come at you, then they crest, then they leave, you are still floating on the top. Some waves may be bigger than others, you may fall off the board, but you will always rise to the top.

A couple of weeks ago when I noticed I was a little off kilter and disconnected I had a choice. I could use a ton of energy and run from this, and in the end I know it will catch up to me and I will still have to acknowledge and process this. Or, I could choose to be loving and kind to myself, stop what I was doing, and make space for the work that needs to be done. I have chosen the latter.

I did not go to my last ringette practice, I have not done a lot of other activities. I have pretty much cleared my calendar, pulled in my supports, and giving myself permission to rest. I figured I had better take my own advice and give myself a ton of self-care.

How long will this last? I don’t know. But what I do know is that I will lovingly  hold and support whatever emotions come up. I will not rush them or belittle them. I will honor them, make space for them and hold them close to my heart. These emotions and flashbacks are my story, I need to honor them, whatever they may be.

I don't know how long this process will last. I will light candles and do smudges for the duration, and feel what I need to feel. I know I am safe, I am loved and I am supported.

I do know one thing, it’s always an interesting journey.

Those are my thoughts for today

I wish you all well on your journeys 

Cheers and be well

Suzy

Growth and Change.....

Well, I knew it was some time since my last blog post, but I did not realize it has almost been two months. It has been an interesting time, it has been a challenging time, it has once again been a time of growth. And, as I have learned, growth does not come easily.

In my last blog post I spoke about going to the congress in Kelowna. I was sent by F.O.R.C.E. http://www.forcesociety.com/  and it, like the organization was amazing! Do look at their website for some amazing mental health resources.

It was unreal to be sitting in a room with 300 other people who felt like I do, that we need to start talking about mental illness, to bring it out of the shadows and into the spot light. As I had not been to a congress/conference in 18 years it was  a great workout for my brain, and there was a couple of times that I wondered what I was doing there, -( which means self-doubt)- but they went away quickly. I met some amazing people, learned lots, and am inspired to carry on what I am doing.

The rest of October was busy, and things seemed to take more energy. Nothing spectacular happened, just life, family issues, commitments etc. As I said before, I am learning to deal with the day to day things. Sometimes its fine, sometimes it’s really hard, and sometimes I feel like I am walking through mud. Sometimes I can feel all the above on the same day!!!

As I look at my calendar, I see I had also seen the dentist. The last time I had been to the dentist was 20 years ago. So, as you can imagine, going to the dentist it a huge issue for me, and not a good issue.  But I was very proactive, and things worked out, and after one glitch, it all went well.

Then my shoulder started acting up. I have Bicep tendentious, and rotator cuff issues. I have had issues with this before, in both shoulders, but this time round it was unbearable, I could not believe how much pain I was in. I did go to see my Dr. and he ordered an x-ray and an ultra sound. Two days later I was back in his office to get something for the pain as it was so bad I could hardly breathe, and nothing I was taking or doing was helping. So, with some prescription pain killers, rest and Physiotherapy, it has settled down some. I still have to be careful and not overdo it. I can play Ringette now, but I still cannot paddle in the dragon boat. The dragon boat team is now done for the season, and we start up again in the spring, so we will see how the shoulders are doing then.

The month of November rolls around, and I am glad to say this month has not been as busy. Being my birthday month, I have been spoiled by family and friends. It’s been great, I am now 55, and some days I am amazed I have made it this far. I am grateful to the people, past and present who have helped me get where I am. I even entered two writing contests. Now I don’t imagine I will win, but it’s not about the winning, it’s about taking my writing more seriously, and taking back a piece of myself. I was surprised at how much fun I had writing the stories.

My son and I went down to Victoria for a few days to see the Viking exhibit at the museum, and spend a couple of days together. It was fun, and when I got back I got sent to bed with a flu bug. I was disappointed I had to cancel some plans, It took its time, but I am better now.  I have attended two workshops that were presented by The F.O.R.C.E.  http://www.forcesociety.com/  and look forward to working with them in the future.  I have had lunch with friends, and enjoyed some quiet down time.

Yesterday I was out with my best friend and mentioned how quickly Christmas seems to be coming up, and how because October was so busy I feel like I lost that month somewhere. Her reply was “Last October you were starting your crash and burn – (I ended up in the hospital in February) - you made it through without crashing and burning this time.” And that was just what I needed to hear!!!

We all go through developmental stages throughout our life. Some are small, some are huge, their difficulty varies, but each one is growth of some kind. Some we notice as it happens, sometimes, it is not until well after the fact that we realize it.

For those of us with D.I.D. or other mental health challenges, it can be even harder and take more time and energy. But, it is just as important and it is always a positive move forward, even if we do not feel like it at the time.

I was talking to my Dr’s medical student last week. I told her that I had stopped dissociating and became “integrated” last spring, and of the challenges of trying to live in the here and now without dissociating. It’s positive, but at times its hard work. I told her, I feel like a snake that is shedding its skin. I have been shedding this one since last March. It’s hard work, and at times I just feel like giving up, but I know that if I stop before I am finished, the old skin will get smaller and smaller and eventually choke me off. As the old skin is shed, the new skin is tender and I have to do lots of self-care until it has toughened up some. Yes it’s a lot of work, and yes, I have and will continue to pull in my supports while I go through this stage.  But, it is a move forward, and I am looking forward to what is underneath.

Those are my thoughts for today, I wish you all well in your journeys and discovering what you find as you move forward.

Cheers and be well

Suzy

We Hope You Have Enjoyed Your Flight

Well, it’s been a couple of weeks since my last blog. I am back from my “unscheduled flight.” It was an interesting flight, a little bumpy here and there, a bunch of turbulence, but we have made it, and are back.

And, I am glad to be back.  Like always, it will take time for me to get back into the swing of things, but, I am use to that, have been here before and know that self-care and self-compassion are just as important now, as when I was waiting for the flight out of “The Land of Discombobulating.”

It was a bit of a rough landing. Putting it mildly, learning to live in my new skin without dissociating is a challenge.  It’s a skill, that will take time, and I know I will have up’s and downs along this journey.

In the past if I got irritated, the room was too loud, or I was angry etc., all I would have to do is look to the left and I would be gone. I would zone out, dissociate and another persona would come forward and deal with that situation.  While this was a great coping mechanism to help deal with overwhelming circumstances, it was interfering with my quality of life. In time I learned to notice the switching, and now I am at a point where I am no longer dissociating. This is a new chapter in my life, and with each new chapter, comes a huge learning curve and new challenges.

I am now learning to deal with irritability, grumpiness, anxiety, noise etc. As I told my family Dr. “I assume when you were 4 years old and having emotions you started to learn to deal with them, and the ups and downs and challenges of daily life. Well, you’re 52 years ahead of me on this, as I am just starting to learn to do that now”.

As I have said before, the only analogy I can think of is someone who has been using drugs/alcohol to numb themselves for 50 years. And, now for the 1^st time in their life, they are no longer using these substances and the world is so much louder, harsher etc. It’s not that the world has changed, it’s that I am no longer numbing the world out. For the first time in 52 years there are no barriers between me and the rest of the world. And while I find it challenging I find it fascinating. 

A few weeks ago, we had one of the very few days of rain here. I went for my morning walk in the rain and I loved it. It was not cold out, and I could feel the rain hitting my skin. I have felt this before, but not to this extent. I could feel the rain on my skin like never before, because I was fully present, without numbing and there were no barriers between me and the world. It was amazing. I could feel when the rain hit my skin, feel it run down my skin and change temperature as it did so. This was being truly and fully in the present. It was lovely. I now notice that each bird has a different song, that there are many shades of grey, in the grey sky, the many shades of green in the garden, etc. It is like a whole new world that I am discovering.

I also notice more noise, and those pesky emotions. This is a challenge for me. To feel and stay with the complexities of not just feeling these emotions but feeling more than one at the same time. At times, I very much feel like a toddler trying to deal with the complexities of the world, and yes, at times I feel like having my very own, personal temper tantrum!

So, as you can see, living without dissociating is a challenge, but it has its many rewards. This journey, like life, has its up’s and downs, good and not so good. And, I need to remember that yes, believe it or not, I am human, and I have made, and will make mistakes. But, it can be a good life.

When I returned from my “unscheduled flight” from “The Land of Discombobulating” there was a surprise waiting for me. An e-mail from an organization called F.O.R.C.E. http://www.forcesociety.com/  looking for parents who might be interested in attending the “Child and Youth Mental Health and Substance Use Congress.” I didn’t know if I was the type of person they were looking for, but thought, “all they can do is say no thanks.” So I applied and am thrilled that I will be attending.  The congress is in Kelowna, which means another unscheduled flight, but I am thrilled about this one. I leave here on Sunday morning and get back Wednesday night. I am looking forward to connecting with others who believe we need to talk and educate about mental illness, to learn more and be inspired.

And, as always, I am amazed at what the universe has placed at my door step.

As I sit here writing at my favorite coffee shop, The Rocky Mountain Cafe, I think back on this journey of mine, the hard work, dark times, journeys to the depths of my soul and all the loving and supportive people in my life. And once again, am amazed at how you never know what is around the corner. I am glad I never gave up, and look forward to this next chapter of my life.

It’s going to be a challenge, it’s going to be interesting, and I have a feeling, it is going to be anything but boring.

Those are my thoughts for today. I wish you all well in your journeys, and encourage you to keep on going, because, like me, you never know what is around the corner.

Cheers and be well

Suzy

Welcome to The Land of Discombobulating…

It has been on the horizon for about a week now, the flight plan was diverted, without my approval, and I have landed right smack dab in the middle of The Land of Discombobulating.

There are no flashy tourist brochures with pictures of happy, smiling people enjoying the sunshine and having a grand time here. There is no website where one can book their all-inclusive vacation in a luxurious suite with an ocean view and 5 star dining!

Nope, The Land of Discombobulating is a very cold, grey, barren, windswept, lonely place, where, much like altitude sickness, ones senses go askew and the simple process of thinking is harder to do.

 As I said, I have felt this coming for about a week, and no matter what adjustments I made, I could not change the flight plan and this came upon me like a mountain top poking out of the fog at 6000 feet.

The good news is that I have landed safely, I have my survival gear with me and I know what to expect.

I hate being here, and get frustrated every time I visit. Life will be running along smoothly and then for no reason that I can gather, I am back here again. I am frustrated, angry, sad, irritated, tired and generally pissed off! However, I have to accept it, take care of myself and wait for this to pass.

The advantage I now have, is that I know what to expect, how best to get through this and how to set up my camp for the duration.

I know that I will need quiet, tons of self-care, and that I will not be able to function at the level I normally do. I know plans may need to be cancelled, and I will need more sleep.

And I need to remind myself this is not a character flaw!

This is one of the biggest issues I have had to work through. Because I do not fit the mold of a “working” person, or because I take time to care for myself, society sees me somewhat of lesser value and dare we say it..even “selfish”

But, I know this is what is best for me. And, what is best for me, is best for my family, friends and society.

In the past, I would fight these moments, keep pushing myself and run around like crazy, and push myself to exhaustion. I would do whatever I could to stay ahead of the emotions, memories, sensations or whatever my brain wanted to work on. I would keep going until I “crash landed” and I would pay dearly for not taking time for myself and it would take so much longer to get back into the swing of things.

I have no idea why my flight plans have been diverted. It may be the time of year, a trigger, the change of seasons or that my brain is just not working well at the moment. This may last a day, a week or more. Time will tell, but I do know what I can do to help it along.

I do know that being loving, kind and gentle with myself will help speed the process. I know I have resources that I can pull in to help me through this time, and that by staying in the moment, being authentic and not trying to “busy myself up” this too shall pass.

Soon, I will once again be laughing, feel joy and be fully and happily participating in life.

Until then, I am going to set up camp, hunker down in The Land of Discombobulating, do what I need to do and look forward to my flight out of here.

I wish you all well in your travels and remember to be kind and gentle with yourselves.

Cheers and be well

Suzy