Welcome To My Brown Out....

According to Wikipedia....

A brownout, sag (in American English), or a dip (in British English - the terms are equivalent) is a drop in voltage in an electrical power supply. The term brownout comes from the dimming experienced by lighting when the voltage sags. A voltage reduction may be an effect of disruption of an electrical grid, or may occasionally be imposed in an effort to reduce load and prevent a blackout.^[1]

^ Alan Wyatt, Electric Power Challenges and Choices, The Book Press Limited, Toronto, 1986 ISBN 0-920650-00-7 page 63

Welcome to my brown Out. 

The last few days I have been tired and in a bit of what I call a " brain clog" This is when it feels like the brain function is slowing down and it seems to be hard to get thoughts through etc. Its kind of like truck oil trying to work in -40 degree weather..its thick and sluggish until it warms up and then it works fine and does its job well. Right now my brain is in the thick and sludgy mode.  I noticed this starting to come on last Friday, I don't know why- I have given up trying to figure that out. I now accept it as it is, this does not mean I like it any, but it is what it is. This is one of the many challenges and frustrations for me with this condition. I'm not saying this is the same for everyone with Dissociative Identity Disorder, but it is for me.

I have learned to notice when this is happening sooner, and making healthy choices such as not pushing myself to hard, resting when I am tired and remembering to eat. The frustrating part is never knowing when this is going to happen, which makes  planning  ahead a little hard, as I never know what shape I am going to be in.

I have also learned that this usually happens when the brain is rewiring itself. At one time scientist believed that the brain was hardwired by the time you were twelve years old and it could never change, we now know different. My brain, like myself is a work in progress. Every time I learn new ways to cope with triggers, old beliefs  or intense emotions, I am re wiring the brain. Instead of dissociating, going into hyper vigilant- the fight/flight  response-( being on guard for any danger, even when there is no present danger)-, or hypo vigilant-freeze response -( meaning bottoming out/freezing  and not doing anything, ignoring the world and whats happening around me), I am re wiring my brain. Believe me it is hard work and takes tons of energy!!!

Sometimes  the issues and triggers are clear as a bell and it feels like I have been knocked off my feet and  sent flying through the air only to stop when I hit a wall.  Other times its  more subtle and gentle seeps into my subconscious. I never know what it will be or when it will happen. People who are close to me will often notice when this happens, as I don't have as much energy, find it hard to meet friends for coffee or hold or follow a conversation, will have circles around my eyes and my face becomes pale and generally I look like crap. I am unable to read and find it very hard to concentrate.

I have learned to be respect this process, to be kind to myself and not beat myself up for not being able to do what "other people" seem to do with no effort. I have learned to honor my past while at the same time realize I "am not" my past. At times I am still  amazed that at such a young age I as a little kid  learned to dissociate to help me survive. Dissociating saved my life. The mind is an amazing, wonderful and mysterious thing.

How long this Brown Out will continue, I do not know. I do know that when the power supply is back up and running smoothly and the circuits are cleared  I will be getting back to my life. Until then I am going to be gentle with myself, rest, take it easy  and send loving kindness to that little kid  that kept me alive.

Until next time

cheers and be well

Suzy

Now that The World Knows- I wont Be Voted Into Any Public Office!!

This early morning the above tittle phrase came to me. I said it to myself with a sort of ironic laugh- because it is sad and true at the same time. This is one of the many reasons I am doing this. What have I got to loose. I do not hold office anywhere, or am in a position of authority, I do not have a job to loose etc. This is a sad statement as there are many people out there with D.I.D. who are very capable, responsible upstanding citizens with full time jobs, that, because of the myths, misconceptions and misunderstanding and fear of mental illness/conditions  in general, will very likely loose their jobs once the fellow workers or bosses find out. It does not matter that this would be a legal matter. Look at the hysteria that happens when this subject gets into the media, for the most part its sensationalized and arguments erupt - especially on line and people will verbally attack the person who discloses their condition. Seeing this happen, why the hell would they risk their job and livelihood.


Last year I was taking a creative writing class up at the local college. The instructor was talking about writing from different perspectives,and asking the class  how does one get into the head of their character, to get to know who they really are. One of the young people in class said..." well if you start to get into different persona's then you become a multiple and then go psychotic and go nuts"..the instructor knew I had D.I.D., he looked over at me and all I did was look at him and shrug my shoulders. I was not about to get into it, I have learned to pick my battles and choose my "educational moments". Now that I look back I would like to have asked this young man where he got his information from. This , I realize is a very minor incident and nothing like what it can be like, and other people have experienced. I have been very fortunate to have knowledgeable, caring professionals who have helped and continue to help me on my healing journey. As well as a supportive husband, son and friends.

So- will I ever be voted into public office- no, but that's OK, I don't want to. Do I have a job to loose, no. Is having D.I.D. a secret I have- no, the majority of people who know me already know this and accept me for who I am and understand that I have this condition , but they also understand  it is not who I am, anymore then someone who has diabetics is their disease.

So, now you know one of the reasons I am doing this. To those out there who have D.I.D. and are unable to disclose, I send you compassion. To those out there who would attack those who have this condition I also send you loving compassion.

Those are my thoughts for today.
Cheers and be well and you will not see me.." Coming soon to a public office near you!"

Suzy

The Next Day

Well I woke up a few times during the night wondering if I had done the right thing starting this blog.    There are a couple  of reasons.  On the surface of it all I am the most computer illiterate person I know. Every time something goes wrong with my computer- which is often- I phone my son to help me out and often he comes over and fixes it for me. Its usually something small, but not all the time. Then  I was thinking I don't know how to add photos etc and that this is going to be really boring blog. I also search and peck when I type, am dyslexic and will miss spelling errors.

However deep down- close to the core is the real reason I was wondering. All my friends know that I have Dissociative Identity Disorder. My dragon boat team, friends I meet for coffee, college instructors, husband and son, ladies I golf with etc. Basically the people that are in my life know and support me and accept me for the person I am. They understand I have good days where I can function and then have off days where I cannot function or am having difficulty. When the rough days come I get discombobulated feel out of sorts and off balance. When this happens I pull back from  my activities,. They accept this and know that when  my energy level  is back up and I am more level I will be back. My closest friends can often see when I am having a tough time, they can see the signs- confusion- which I call brain clog, lack of energy,very bad memory, not remembering what they said to me a few minutes ago,  I will tell them something five times in ten minutes, having no recollection that I had already told them. They will notice me switching and notice that I am  not my smiling happy self etc. Not one of these wonderful people have pulled away from me because of these times. They know the reality of this condition- I have been open and encouraged them to ask questions and hopefully I have helped them understand, This condition is part of me, but it is not who I am and it is not like something  they have seen from Hollywood and other public media....so why am I doubting myself about starting this blog...

Because-( I know you are not suppose to start a sentence with the word " because")- Because in "my world" the place I live , friends I have etc..I have very supportive people around me..but now that I have put this out into cyber space- into the bigger world I have no control over who sees it and their reactions- the folks in cyber space do not know who I am or what makes me  the unique individual that I am. So they have not had a chance to meet me and get to know me before learning I have Dissociative Identity Disorder. I guess I'm concerned about the reactions some  have from reading this. I now realize these are triggers for me because I have had some not very nice reactions from people, all be it, only a few. I now know I have healthy boundaries and just say that I respectfully agree that we disagree.

It just came to me that I am not going to get into a conversation or argument  with anyone about the validity of this condition. There are many fine researchers and professionals who can do that. As my family physician told his fellow doctors one time...

 " call it what you want, this is what happened to her, this is what she did to survive and this is how its affecting her life now"

 Sounds simple enough to me.

Well now that I have figured this out hopefully I will sleep better tonight. I do hope that in the future I will have some links  to some fine organizations and web sites that do a very good job explaining what Dissociative Identity Disorder is .For me, I hope to  give the world a better understanding  of this disorder from  my perspective, and to help others better understand this very creative survival tool.

This blog, like myself is a work in progress.

Untill next time
Cheers and be well

Suzy

The Day Has Come

WELL WORLD 

Here it is, I have finally taken the step to start a blog about living daily with Dissociative Identity Disorder.

This blog will be my thoughts and challenges I have on a daily/weekly  basis while living a very successful life with this condition. I am not going to sensationalize this, Hollywood has done a good enough job of that. This will be a place where the world can hopefully learn the challenges and reality of living with this disorder, while at the same time, I hope they learn not to be afraid of this very often misunderstood condition. I do not plan on writing any of the circumstances that caused me to dissociate as a child, the world had also heard enough of that. I hope in the end this will help educate the public and professionals alike, what its really like and that through hard work and the right therapy one can learn to deal with, learn new coping strategies and live a very fulfilling life.

A little about me..I am captain of my dragon boat team,- for the third time- I play ringette, hockey, and golf and  am working on my memoirs. I  volunteer in various organizations and am a much loved member of my community. I am married and have one son. I have D.I.D.,which will always be part of me  but it is not who I am! Like I tell people about my golf game, some days its good, some days its not..but the quality of my golf game is not indicative to who I am as a person. Like my golf game, having D.I.D. is not indicative to who I am as a person.

be patient with me as this blogging  stuff is all new to me. If I can find my way back to the site you will be hearing from me again.

cheers and be well

Suzy