Welcome To My Brown Out....

According to Wikipedia....

A brownout, sag (in American English), or a dip (in British English - the terms are equivalent) is a drop in voltage in an electrical power supply. The term brownout comes from the dimming experienced by lighting when the voltage sags. A voltage reduction may be an effect of disruption of an electrical grid, or may occasionally be imposed in an effort to reduce load and prevent a blackout.^[1]

^ Alan Wyatt, Electric Power Challenges and Choices, The Book Press Limited, Toronto, 1986 ISBN 0-920650-00-7 page 63

Welcome to my brown Out. 

The last few days I have been tired and in a bit of what I call a " brain clog" This is when it feels like the brain function is slowing down and it seems to be hard to get thoughts through etc. Its kind of like truck oil trying to work in -40 degree weather..its thick and sluggish until it warms up and then it works fine and does its job well. Right now my brain is in the thick and sludgy mode.  I noticed this starting to come on last Friday, I don't know why- I have given up trying to figure that out. I now accept it as it is, this does not mean I like it any, but it is what it is. This is one of the many challenges and frustrations for me with this condition. I'm not saying this is the same for everyone with Dissociative Identity Disorder, but it is for me.

I have learned to notice when this is happening sooner, and making healthy choices such as not pushing myself to hard, resting when I am tired and remembering to eat. The frustrating part is never knowing when this is going to happen, which makes  planning  ahead a little hard, as I never know what shape I am going to be in.

I have also learned that this usually happens when the brain is rewiring itself. At one time scientist believed that the brain was hardwired by the time you were twelve years old and it could never change, we now know different. My brain, like myself is a work in progress. Every time I learn new ways to cope with triggers, old beliefs  or intense emotions, I am re wiring the brain. Instead of dissociating, going into hyper vigilant- the fight/flight  response-( being on guard for any danger, even when there is no present danger)-, or hypo vigilant-freeze response -( meaning bottoming out/freezing  and not doing anything, ignoring the world and whats happening around me), I am re wiring my brain. Believe me it is hard work and takes tons of energy!!!

Sometimes  the issues and triggers are clear as a bell and it feels like I have been knocked off my feet and  sent flying through the air only to stop when I hit a wall.  Other times its  more subtle and gentle seeps into my subconscious. I never know what it will be or when it will happen. People who are close to me will often notice when this happens, as I don't have as much energy, find it hard to meet friends for coffee or hold or follow a conversation, will have circles around my eyes and my face becomes pale and generally I look like crap. I am unable to read and find it very hard to concentrate.

I have learned to be respect this process, to be kind to myself and not beat myself up for not being able to do what "other people" seem to do with no effort. I have learned to honor my past while at the same time realize I "am not" my past. At times I am still  amazed that at such a young age I as a little kid  learned to dissociate to help me survive. Dissociating saved my life. The mind is an amazing, wonderful and mysterious thing.

How long this Brown Out will continue, I do not know. I do know that when the power supply is back up and running smoothly and the circuits are cleared  I will be getting back to my life. Until then I am going to be gentle with myself, rest, take it easy  and send loving kindness to that little kid  that kept me alive.

Until next time

cheers and be well

Suzy